I Slipped Away Further From You, Trying Find What Is Real

Monday: "Some folk feel sure that there cannot possibly be such a thing as natural justice. ‘If there were,’ they argue, ‘those who are guilty of serious crimes would just drop on the spot. The Creator would take away their breath. We would not need law courts and judges. The living would be, ipso facto, innocent.’ It’s an interesting idea – but thankfully the Universe doesn’t work that way. Wrongs do get righted but only over a period of time. An imbalance in your world, though, is about to be corrected this week."
 
Tuesday: "What is fair? Is that a hard question? One person’s idea of ‘perfectly equable’ is another’s notion of ‘outrageously lopsided’. We can’t just go by our feelings alone. We need to consider each matter in as wide a context as we can. And, as something wouldn’t be fair if it only seemed fair to us, we have to ask others for their opinion. Nothing in this world is completely fair from every perspective – but that doesn’t mean that an effort can’t be made to come as close as possible to a reasonable policy. And that’s what’s happening now."
 
"8, 8, the burning 8.
Between Sunday and Monday lies a day so dark
it will DEVASTATE…"
 
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
 
Please, God. Make me indifferent. Tell me not to care. MAKE ME NOT CARE!!! Show me a way to make it hurt less. Take all of your graceful, transcendent human experiences and tell me they’re nothing. Tell me I made sacred of a petty little thing. Tell me I saved it all in vain. Tell me my heart is just another thing, like any other. Tell me that it all means nothing. Why am I this way when it is so hard? To be the odd one out who sees how painful mistakes are? And I feel the pain they cause even though they weren’t my mistakes. I feel how they have made things seem so inconsequential and meaningless. I feel everything I care about slipping away. I’m going numb and nobody sees.
I’m motherfucking disappearing here. I’m fucking drowning. I am not an animal. I am not basic. I wish I could be. I wish that I could turn around and tell people that I am just like them– that I have extinguished my needs, over and over and over again, with anyone who would have me. I never knew that choosing the hard, honorable road would backfire like this. I thought it all served this great purpose, that someday, someone was going to appreciate what I had done. Instead, I’ve created a sea around myself, of distance. Because nobody cares. It’s all a recycled pretty lie that has been told before and I don’t want to hear it anymore. It is nothing. It is all NOTHING.
 
Sometimes I wish… horrible things. Sometimes I wish that I had never left. I want my sunset.
 
It felt good to feel the blood curling around my fingertips- to see the red as deep and hot as I felt it. I cut myself open to see if there was anything inside. I stuck a pin under my skin once, to see how far it would go before it would hurt. It never did. I was convinced then, that I was turning to stone. Pain, strangely, calms me, when I’m the one who controls it. When the pain I experience is involuntary, only then does it scare me. I have a lot of scars. Some of them, I put there. The truth is, that we can never know what effect the choices we make will have on our futures. A lot has happened to me. A lot has been done to me. But I defy anyone to tell me that any of it was my choice.
 
It’s unfair of me to feel this way. I have no right. Give me time, because I realize that I have no right to it. I need time to accept that the ideals I held once, are impossible. Nobody can be that. I don’t know if I would have managed to if I had not experienced a life of abuse. I would be a drastically different person. I firmly believe that. I think I would be one of those high-maintenance girls, who gossips in failed whispers about absolutely inane things. I think I would have carried my sexuality around, searching for validation. I don’t know what I would have wanted anyone to say to me about it. I think I’m experiencing some kind of grief. I lost something. I don’t entirely know what I’m supposed to do now.
 
K.M.
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/06/2009.

3 Responses to “I Slipped Away Further From You, Trying Find What Is Real”

  1. I’m deeply concerned about you. I wish there was something that I personally could do, but I don’t think there is short of just lending you an ear if you can talk to me about it, if not I understand completely. I don’t want to give you platitudes, or empty reassurance, and I often don’t know what to say, or what advice to give, but I’m more than willing to just listen if you want me to. I’m scared for you,deeply. And I hope this is something that you can work through, I hope that things get easier for you. I love you. Lauren

  2. I don’t always know why I feel the way I do. I’m feeling really insecure right now. Something triggered it, but it isn’t the responsibility of anyone else but myself. Some of my trust is teetering on a wire, and I’m afraid to fall. It’s a snowball. A lot of really positive, happy things for me got lost in the rigmarole of a lot of outside things that were going on. I’ve fallen into a sort-of unexpected depression. I’m working through it. But to answer the obviously implied question: no, I haven’t cut myself in a long, long time. I’ve been tempted to, but it took a lot for me to stop in the first place. I won’t go back there again. A lot of it, too, is the same old, regurgitated problems. I feel that no one can, or ever will really understand. And that scares me. And I worry, that those I should be able to tell, I can’t– not ever. The more I’ve tried to open up, the more I’ve regretted it, lately. The more I’ve tried to communicate, the less I feel like I should.

  3. I want you to know that I don’t expect you to be able to tell me everything. We all have things in our lives that we can almost never open up about. I know it’s not my responsibility, but I worry and I want you to be happy because I care about you, because I’m your friend. I really do hope things get better, I mean that with all my heart.

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