Won’t Change My Attitude, I’ll Never Change The Way That I Speak
I found those in a notebook today. Not necessarily what I feel now, but I thought they were interesting.
I’ve put my finger on a few things. I think I’m suffering from a narcissistic pathology. According to Freud, a narcissist is self-obsorbed because his or her self is a source of pain. Listed amongst the symptoms of narcissistic pathology is this one: Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. Wow. So I’m being naive, idealistic, and narcissistic. In my life, I’ve simply built some things to be more important than the larger percentage of society would say I should. I’m paying for it. I don’t have a rolodex of lovers to file through, when other girls my age have a whole filing cabinet. Should I maybe have spread myself around more? Would that make anyone else feel poorly of me? I’m not implying that I want to, or that I even feel ashamed for deciding to start my sex life as a hardcore monogamist, and maintaining that. I’m very proud that I haven’t given in to societal and peer pressures, or caved to a basic sexual urge every time someone with a y chromosome wandered by. I am most certainly glad that I can tell John that I never, EVER slept with Chris, even when he asked me to. I’ve had a few friends who thought a relaxing bang would make me feel better. Just no.
The point was that I wanted it to be true when I said that making love to my future husband was a sacred, exclusive, private experience. I didn’t want a room full of other people to have shared in that same experience. And I’ve got to stop hating what I look like and accept what I am. I’m beautiful. I don’t need to look like Dolly Parton to qualify as a beautiful, sexy woman. If it ever turned out that what I had to offer wasn’t good enough, then the person who thought so could fuck themselves with a plumber’s wrench.
I need something with alcohol in it. I’m really feeling the need to unwind and stay unwound for a while. I’m in a constantly balled knot, and I’m losing my motivation for it anymore. It’s limp noodle time. Yay lethargy! I’m sick of my job. I’m sick of not sleeping. I’m sick of all of this stress. I’m sick of Deanne. I’m sick of the 5 lonely days a week. I’m just sick. I’M SICK OF BEING SICK! I have simply had my fill of it. My life has come to an utterly pathetic, screetching halt. There is no forward progress anywhere in anything. In fact, I think I may have taken a few steps backward. Hopefully the gridlock won’t last.