You Think We Need To Go To War, Well, You’re Already In One

"The truth about a sensitive matter will soon come to light. Don’t worry. We’re not talking about a secret you are keen to keep under wraps. We’re talking about someone else’s secret and the web of misinformation they have created to protect it. Because you have been caught in this web, your own ideas will alter in the light of what you learn. Ultimately, you gain from all this. You will gain even more if you allow yourself to be uplifted by Mercury’s forthcoming passage through your tenth solar house and, rather than demand apology and recompense, you just forgive and understand old deceptions. A power struggle that has been brewing for a while might rise to the surface today. You may feel as if someone is working against you behind the scenes, yet no one will come out and say anything in the open. Your best strategy is to remain as optimistic as possible, even if your emotions get bent out of shape. Your natural ability to cleverly sidestep conversations you don’t want to have can now work in your favor. Look, you could upset someone by being contrary. Perhaps after yesterday they thought you were set on a particular path. Now it might appear that you’re back-tracking. It’s as likely that you’ll be exasperated by someone whom you feel has moved the goal-posts. Whatever you do, make notes about what happens today – you might need these in about 10 days time. You will be feeling more like your old self today, as the influence of water recedes, making things a lot more settled. This is a good day to spend with friends because at the moment you’re feeling even more sociable than usual, and you are the tonic that they need right now! Shiny happy person. Today your individuality will really shine. So for the best day possible, try showing off the qualities that make you different and unique. That could involve wearing your favorite clothes, sharing your hobbies and collections, or even telling others your most unique desires."
Last night went well. The tears are sewn, the holes have been patched. Things are what they should be. It took tears, and hours of confrontation into the wee hours of the morning, but we stand tall, and we stand together, hand in hand. No more walking alone in fear, not understanding. This experience has made me feel, very much, like we are more prepared to be married than either of us knew. In all of the ways that this has been bad, for us, the damage it caused allowed us to find a way to rebuild stronger than we were before. The love, the team, the passion… is on fire once more.
Very seldomly do I ever write without purpose. Sometimes I write, because I have not made my presence known, and I simply wish for people to know that I’m alive. Otherwise, I write, because I fail to communicate as succinctly, and as eloquently with my voice, as I do with my words, and thoughts. Having been raised by very linguistically intelligent people, and having been an English/Art major for most of my life, I find it easiest to explain myself through the written word. I’ve never been able to keep diaries unless I felt someone else would eventually read them. I know how I feel, I have never needed a forum in which to grow into an understanding of my own feelings. I’m emotive. For this, I have encountered people, throughout life, who chastised me for my opennes, my candor, my willingness to be vulnerable, and my inability to fear being myself. I have insecurities, and some of them are big. That said, I am also a very self-confident person, and I’ve lived a great deal of my life not requiring validation from others. I had to believe that I was good enough, beautiful enough, strong enough. I haven’t spent my life fishing for that from others. When you look for things like that, seldomly will you actually find it, and then you are still left wondering whether they were bred out of generosity, or whether they were true. Unless you truly do believe in yourself, nobody’s words can ever validate you for anything longer than the moment. I’ve known many friends who have had to just continue fishing for that. Most of them grew into their own skins eventually. I’m one person. I’m not Hercules, and though I have a massive martyr complex, I cannot be responsible for everyone else’s feelings. I can try my best to be tactful and understanding, and sensitive, but I can’t compromise who I am. I believe that in some circumstances in life, a beautiful lie is necessary. But these are rare circumstances, and usually involve children, who haven’t the life experience to know better. I feel that telling such lies to adults is harmful, because it stops being to the benefit of their development and becomes the act of enabling their downfalls.
I’m a sharer. I don’t air out my history in the hopes that people will pity me. I’ve dealt with my life. It is what it is, no amount of outside remorse, recognition or pity could ever hope to solve or solace what I’ve been through. I am far beyond the acceptance. But it is also a part of me. I am the sum of my own parts, and parts apart cannot be a whole. I was a whole, living, happy person when I was alone in my life. It took a lot of hard work, therapy and time to achieve that. That (and I firmly believe this) is the only acceptable foundation for a lasting future. I’ve seen people get used as emergency patches for bigger problems. Hell- I have been that. It’s unfair. We, as humans, are not meant to live our lives filling the voids of others. I can survive alone. I just don’t want to.
This brings me to an unrelated topic, which I feel needs to be addressed, whether or not it was intended for me: Not everyone is suspicious. We do live in times of fear-mongering. I am not one of those people. I don’t listen to (and most of the time don’t read) emails that warn me not to do things, because they might kill me. Anything in the world could kill me. I’ve already faced death. I refuse to let it destroy my ability to live, and enjoy living. All I really have is today. Tomorrow is no guarantee, and I refuse to live my life afraid to close my eyes, afraid to be happy, afraid because I might die. I will someday… and someday isn’t some distant, unreachable date. That could be mere hours from now. If I board myself up in a prison trying to stave off death, then I never really lived anyway. Sometimes the pain of living is beautiful, too. Without it, I’m not sure I could appreciate the rapture of joy. That’s not to say that I live without fear. I have them, and I try to find the nerve to overcome them. Sometimes they are fears that paralyze. I am not perfect, and despite my declarations, sometimes I have downfalls, and am strong-armed by my weaknesses. I don’t have a perfect record for follow-through. It is that I have the ability to recognize and admit to my weaknesses, to communicate my feelings, to recognize what and who I am, that is one of my greatest strengths. This also tends to lead to my attempts to face those weaknesses and undo them. I don’t read threat and malice into every passing smile and miniscule gesture. I have instincts, and on accasion, they warn me. This isn’t often, as I am threatened by little. I have lived in some pretty scary, daunting places, and walked, head high, without fear. (John is intimidated by Vancouver. I love it. The only eyelash I bat at it at all, is that it excites me). I have never been afraid to walk home alone at an ungodly hour of night. I’ve already looked some of the most horrific things about the world in the face, and lived. Aside from the few things that have inspired fear in me, what else could there be to fear? It isn’t I that should fear the world. It is the world that should fear me.
I am a pattern breaker. I’m the only non-smoker in my family. I’m the only one who ever graduated, I am the only one without an extensive history of recreational drug use, I am the only one with glasses, and the only one with a chronic medical condition, I am the one who has lived the longest without having had children, and I am going to be the only one (at least thus far) to make sure that I am married before I have children. In my family, we’re all born out of wedlock. Believe it or not, I am the black sheep of the family. The world is unpredictable. You are the only element in it that you can truly quantify. Everything else, you cannot. If you fear the unknown, then you fear everything.
Solving life’s problems can’t be quantified by an equation, or a set of strict, generalized instructions. The human element cannot be quantified. The human element is the radical piece that will royally fuck up any equation it is applied to, and sometimes with disastrous results. The only person who will ever truly, 100% know you, is you. The few pieces of information that even the closest person you know is ignorant of, are the pieces that make the equation unpredictable, unstable, and ultimately unfeasible. I may suck at math, but I know people. I’m familiar with the human condition. I’ve met all kinds, known all kinds. I have personally undergone a seriously high level of personality changes, because my life through, I’ve had a keen awareness of myself. I have made it a life mission to ensure that I know who I am. Through that, I know that I can continue to evolve into a better person. There will always, always be room to improve myself. Does that mean that I’m unhappy with who I am? Absolutely not. Knowing that I can always be a better person is what makes me proud to be who I am. That is so fortifying. I wish I could share that with other people. But I can’t. They have to want it, and be willing to believe it. I live in world of fishermen. I am just the fish.
The [US] Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness.  You have to catch it yourself. -Benjamin Franklin
If you want to be happy, be. -Leo Tolstoy
Most people would rather be certain they’re miserable, than risk being happy. -Robert Anthony
Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. -Norm Papernick
The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. -James Openheim
Happiness is a form of courage. -Holbrook Jackson

We are no longer happy so soon as we wish to be happier. -Walter Landor

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it. -Don Herold

To be happy, we must not be too concerned with others. -Albert Camus

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. -Mahatma Gandhi

When a man has lost all happiness, he’s not alive.  Call him a breathing corpse. -Sophocles

Some pursue happiness, others create it. -Unknown

Happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response. -Mildred Barthel


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/27/2009.

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