Time To Make One Last Appeal For The Life I Lead

"Gemini: ‘Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.’ That’s Charles Dickens’ advice. It’s good. You can go a long way on it. All the way, indeed, from here to the success you need. Indeed it’s all you really need to get you there. Are there quicker routes to the destination you wish to reach? Arguably. Possibly. But there are no better routes. And what’s the good of getting anywhere if you hated the journey so much that you can never recover from it. Be your best if you want the best today. Blowups in the domestic sphere are likely, as you aren’t feeling very patient or conciliatory. Passionate feelings of all kinds are aroused. Making your mind probably won’t be a problem: though there’s just another couple of questions for you to ask (nothing new there!). Confidence grows. It helps that someone who has no problems with ‘feeling the fear and doing it anyway’ is behind you: even helping to word a letter or email. You may have to give some commitment or assurance for what you hope to receive just now. People are not as prone to simply handing over information or ideas without you giving them something in return. In other words, today is not a day when things will be given freely to you.
You’re likely to have a great appreciation for the needs of the people around you right now. And you should be very willing to compromise in order to find agreeable solutions for everyone. You might even end up making a few new friends before the day is through. And any romantic opportunities that arise today will probably be based on a solid foundation of friendship. Some greater responsibility may befall you today and you probably feel a little more burdened by the commitments that are around you. Major life changes appear to be near. Shedding old, fatigued plans to make room for new approaches will ensure you do well in this period. You have the ability to forcefully motivate others today. You could be a little more aggressive than normal where it comes to the daily commute or when pushing for paperwork to be completed. Do be careful to double-check any paperwork you have rushed through. Your chart indicates there’s an element of career/professional life development under way… In some cases, this can be a change in profession… And in other cases this can be an intensification or a time of increased learning & understanding… (like the light bulb suddenly appears just like in the cartoons hehe)… One thing is for sure, you have to overcome your own personal wants & desires at times & do what’s in the best interest of everybody. Others around you need to see that you are not only "one-way" and that you’re looking out for them as well as your own interests. You’re being asked to "do the right thing" even if that means additional work or struggle for yourself."
I must begin by informing the readers of this blog that this is not a publicly available place. Not by any means. It is very well protected by security settings, and those I have allowed access to it are people I would have told about everything anyway. Some people in my life I hold few secrets from. There are only 9 people in the world that can read this, and you are one of them.
1) My Father. I can’t say how often he reads this, but I know he has. He lives on another continent, and this is my way of keeping communication between us alive. Time zones are very much a factor in limiting our interactions.
2) My Mother, though I am aware that she almost never reads this.
3) Rachel, my adopted Mum and one of my best friends. We have no secrets. She seldomly comes onto Windows Live.
4) Chris, my best male friend… "mon frere." Though, he has admitted that he has never, never accessed my blog.
5) Lauren, my best girl friend in the entire universe!
6) Conor, a friend in Lazo. Though he has not blogged since last year, and for that I am sure has not read any of mine.
7) John: my fiancee, my future husband, my universe. Of course.
8) Mandi: a growing friend. I hope that continues, sincerely. The "lesbian" extends her hugs.
9) Rory: a step-dad (one of the many I have had) in Ontario, with whom I am redeveloping a bond. I am unsure of the frequency in which he has read my blogs- if ever.
That said, I don’t feel that anyone’s privacy has been invaded, or I am being too personal. If this was public, and available to just anyone who felt the urge to traipse through my blogs, they would not be as substantial as they are. I reserve inconsequential blogging for Facebook. Now onto the big stuff.
To a certain individual, before we dive into this: don’t misunderstand me. I am not throwing down a gauntlet, or drawing a line in the sand. I am not proposing a jousting match. I owe you the knowledge that this is not really about you. I have done what we have discussed. I’ve cleared the air. Of course, that also means that everyone may duck and cover. I wasn’t harsh, and as double-edged as the sword I have had to weild is, as detrimental as removing the pretenses has been for me, reading my letter over and over, spending hours absolutely enveloped in it… there is nothing that I have said that is untrue, nothing I can think of that I have omitted. I don’t know what it will do. Part of me wants to prepare for the worst, pack a bag and round up my funds. The other wants to be an optimist. I am hoping for the best, but as much as that is true, things in my life have never gone my way. They never last, and systematically, I have lost everyone I have ever loved. I have been dropped, forgotten and utterly replaced, outright, by every man I have ever held love for (romantic, familial or otherwise). But in fairness, I have faced my fears in all of this. I have fought my most basic survival instincts in this. In human nature, I believe there is nothing stronger than the will to survive, and I have been willing to defy it in the name of love. I have dealt with my issues head first and taken responsibility for them. I have not continued pattern behavior and hoped that there would be someone else that could fix it. I hope for the best: that he will feel like I was foolish for thinking that I couldn’t just say what I needed to. It was direct, but gentle. In this moment, I am feeling a rush of vindication. I feel alive again.
In life, we are alone with ourselves. We develop relationships, we network, we are known, we have an effect, we fall in love and make life. But we die alone. In death, we take no one else with us. In life, ultimately, we are dependent on ourselves to do what is necessary, and do what is right. In this, I take responsibility for letting things go this far without addressing my needs, or fearlessly addressing my feelings. That was omission. That was unfair and unjust. I cannot condemn anyone for ignorance of knowledge that I didn’t give them. In certain aspects of this, I am aware that I am culpable for things. Sometimes in life, you are required to do something truly selfless. I have already stepped up to that plate once, in life. I have even offered to do it again. I was told that such an offer would not be selfless- it would be the opposite. He once told me that he loved me more, for never making him feel like I NEEDED him, that making him simply feel wanted, had more value than NEED could ever hold.
I realized yesterday, after having admitted that I’ve been sick and depressed, on the verge of actually causing the same illness that nearly killed me a year ago, and after physically falling sick (don’t know what it is, but I woke up, yesterday, with what feels a lot like laryngitis… but I won’t self-diagnose) that I need to recall and follow my own advice: If you are miserable, and things suck, it is your OWN fault. And it is. I have failed to make myself known, to excersise my rights, to be as forceful and powerful as things have called for and put a fucking foot down. THIS IS MY FOOT! This is a distinct line that I have a right to ask to be drawn here. I do not behave inappropriately with even the most intimate of my friends, the ones I have had the longest. I make facetiously flirtatious jokes, but when emotions are drawn up in them, they are no longer facetious. Closure has been established, and established before I was even in his scope. It was established and accepted. I was a point at which a "moving on with ones life" was occurring. And now I am stuck in someone else’s road block. I have places to go and things to do, and people to see. I am not insensitive. I am understanding. I am even experienced. Questions breed more questions. Those questions breed confusion. Confusion breeds frustration. Frustration breeds animosity. Lies breed more lies. Lies breed more questions. Questions breed doubt. Doubt breeds pain. Pain breeds anger. Anger breeds hate. Make it clean.
I know that in part, I am being rash, typing in a momentary feeling. I have not allowed myself to vent, to say what I need to, even if I only mean it for this few minutes. Even if I don’t mean it all right now. But there are vital grains of truth. If the letter I have written and sent cannot be responded to with the same apologetic remorse and understanding as the "letters" that others have written, then it is all below me, and it was never supposed to be. It will hurt me. It will destroy me. But I have lived an outright lie with an outright liar. And I refuse to repeat my damaging history, even if everyone else seems so intent on repeating theirs. This is the day that decides. This is the day that changes it all.


Accept everything about yourself- I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end- no apologies, no regrets. -Clark Moustakas
Be what you are. This is the first step towards becoming better than you are. -JC & AW Hare
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. -Dr Suess
A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. -Maya Angelou
But an accurate definition of the self is impossible. You are more than you realize, more than you can define. And the more time you spend trying to nail down the definition, the less time you spend living right now. …Your past is not your identity… You, living now, is your identity. -George Lawrence-Ell
A desire to be in charge of our own lives, a need for control, is born in each of us. It is essential to our mental health, and our success, that we take control. -Robert F. Bennett
Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got. -Janis Joplin
Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts. -Albert Einstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself. -Harvey Fierstein
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. -Carl Jung

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/26/2009.

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