This Life’s Like Living In The Gutter, All This Pain Just Makes You Feel Dead

"…You wonder how your life could get better, When you’re alone you just tear yourself down. "
"…I can’t trust
It’s in my past, its in my path and I can’t go there
Making a mess out of this game
To see it all go up in flames
So tired of being ruthless and wreckless.
Its gut wrenching sometimes
Its life threatening sometimes
Seems like nothing can wash it all away.
Time to dream that love will last
Time to drive my car too fast
Time to walk before I run…"
-Alexz Johnson
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.’ With these words, Dickens began A Tale Of Two Cities. Could we describe the times we are living through now, in similar terms? Most would certainly agree with the second half of the statement. The year, though, is yet young. The influence of Comet Lu Lin, has still to make itself felt. The comet of co-operation may yet awake us to a new spirit of hope and camaraderie as capitalism collapses around us. And in your life? It is about to take you from the worst… to the best. You haven’t got a ‘problem’. You have an incredible opportunity.
It’d probably be a good idea to spend a little time thinking and talking about any kind of career concerns that you might be having right now. Your career will probably start requiring a lot more of your attention at this time. And you could have the opportunity to be making some fresh starts before long. Your independent nature is accentuated today, so it’s important for you to know when to turn it off and on, especially when you’re dealing with others whose egos are as big, but more importantly, less flexible than yours. Try to avoid civil war if you can and act with humility when the occasion calls for it. Relationships with females are highly favorable now, and you benefit from seeking out social and emotional connections with them. Your mood is expansive and open, and you may overdo in some way – overspend, overeat, or commit yourself to something you really don’t have the resources for. A friend or companion may ask you to join them in studying spiritual or religious interests, but be careful of buying into their ideas too quickly. There is a possibility that they really haven’t seen through to the truth of their new thinking. The finer workings of your game plan roll along smoothly and probably get taken for granted if you don’t take extra effort to notice them. Cooperation is a given, and if you give it you will get it. No blame, no strain, no pain. Mutual pats on the back let everyone know that all is in sync, so give them freely. Today’s about big questions: including where you’re headed. You could run foul of someone whose plans for you are somewhat different to your own."
Today has been almost cathartic. I slept in, I didn’t feel great when I woke up, but I slept in anyway. I ran a few errands, and met up with Sarah and Victoria at home. Sarah is much better. Things there have resolved themselves. I’m glad. I have felt like a fairweather friend, not having been available to her in her time of need, but in all fairness (and she understands), even if I had been physically present, I would still not have been any help to her. I’ve been lousy useless with anything but my own problems. I’ve actually wondered to myself recently, if I have the ability to even manage myself.
I think there is a chance that I’m depressed. I’ve been taking my ativan with regularity, just to stop having panic attacks. I hate that anything has pulled me out of my emotional security– I was finally feeling absolutely harmonic. It sucks. When John is with me, and I’m talking to him, I have no more worries, or fears, or stress. Everything feels right again, the way it should be, the way it was before. But then, when he’s gone, my fear and panic return, and I feel gutted. Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t need him to survive, or need him to make me feel better. That I do when I’m with him is coincidental. I know that something is still gnawing at me, though I’m not sure of what it is to put my finger on it. I know something remains unresolved, and the bomb is still waiting to drop.
At this point… I’m considering the possibility that I may have to hospitalize myself. Sarah confronted me about my weight loss, and is very concerned that I’m being irresponsible. I fear, greatly, that she is right. I feel sick all the time… and I feel like I’m getting worse. I’m afraid because of it, and I have acknowledged that my symptoms, put together, are painting a very disturbing picture. I know what I’m headed for, and it’s bad. I’m starting to feel like telling everyone and everything to fuck off right now, because it’s killing me. I’ve reached a point where I’m giving everything else so much attention, that I’m failing to give myself enough attention to get by. This is not on anyone else, it is my responsibility and has been for a year. I’m the one at fault. But my poor behavior about my personal self needs to stop, and I’m considering going on strike in this situation, until I’m dealt with. Stress, especially this much of it (and honestly, not all of my stress is caused by the current state of things… a reasonable sum of it is work related) is physically unbearable for me. Some of my stress has been diffused by spending time with Sarah and Victoria, and through corresondence with Jack and Jan. It is nice to feel so welcomed into my new family, and appreciated. I needed the contact I’ve had today, to be kindly, gently reminded through simple contact that there is a world outside of all of this.
I had the longest, most involved, most revealing conversation with Sarah that I have had with anyone in all of this. It is startling, and I’m left feeling relieved, justified and also terrified in all sorts of new ways. I’ve told her everything. I’ve told her everything I’ve never told anyone else (and I do mean anyone), and also things that I hadn’t even realized or accepted in all of this. She’s very, VERY good at psychoanalyzing me, but that isn’t a surprise. We’re so alike in so many ways. She thinks this is why we met… to help me through this by helping me accept things. I feel more secure in myself than I have. Though the sick knot in my stomach continues to turn, and garl, and my brain is still pounding… I somehow feel better than I did. I feel relieved… that SOMEONE knows how I feel. I only pray that I have not piled my bags onto hers, and made things worse for her. A great deal of my silence has come from my fear of putting myself off on anyone else. She is concerned, greatly, but has told me not to concern myself with that.
I can’t wait until Thursday night. The world will feel so simple again, on Thursday night…
I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence terrifies people the most. -Bob Dylan
Love comes when manipulation stops. -Joyce Brothers
If your heart is large enough to envelop your adversaries, you can see right through them and avoid their attacks. And once you envelop them, you will be able to guide them along the path indicated to you by heaven and earth. -Morihei Ueshiba
It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts. -Robert Schuller
No one can defeat us unless we first defeat ourselves. -Dwight Eisenhower
Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. -Napoleon Hill

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/25/2009.

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