I Don’t Want To Be The One The Battles Always Choose
"Whenever Charles Dickens needed an interesting twist in one of his tales, he would shamelessly engineer the most amazing coincidence. All kinds of unlikely people would turn out to be conveniently related. Hopelessly complicated situations would suddenly become stunningly simple. Because he was such a good storyteller, he left us less inclined to believe that such events could really happen in our own lives. We tend to think that glorious serendipity occurs only in fiction. Right now, though, it’s happening to you. For real. Today, your love life heats up all of a sudden, with unexpected romantic opportunities flying fast and furious. You and your partner are filled with energy and enthusiasm right now. You may be thinking about a more formal or secure relationship soon. Alternatively, you may also think that you must make a decision. Yet perhaps you also sense that now is too soon. The fact that someone’s pushing you into commitment doesn’t mean you have to do something before you’re ready. Of course they may feel you’ve procrastinated enough. Another disquieting possibility is that trust has been compromised. Today, a goal or vision you have been working toward comes into fruition, or gains momentum and positive recognition from others. You feel expansive and inclined to take risks, and you may be overly extravagant now. You’ll have heaps of get-up-and-go today, so take advantage of it and do all those odd jobs and put those ideas into action. Someone who’s been ranting and raving over a certain issue finally backs off and gives you some space. A new physical activity could be a total joy. This will not be the best week to make any major changes in your life although perhaps it may be a good time to start to reassess where you want your life to go and to make plans for future changes. You will have an excellent eye for detail at present and this will allow you to see and more importantly understand the consequences of your actions. Being particularly considerate and thoughtful at the moment you may be interested to gather other people’s thoughts and ideas as well particularly people closely involved in your life. You may be feeling rather adventurous today and will probably be eager to have a few interesting new experiences before the day is through. You should also find yourself feeling fairly optimistic and self-assured right now. And you aren’t likely to have much time for people who want to try to stand in the way of your interests. You should be pretty confident in your ability to overcome just about any obstacle at this time."
I’m not sure what exactly is happening to me that would prove to be a twist, in which everything turns out to be stunningly simple, without it also becoming stunningly horrible as a result of that simplicity. Things with John and I have returned to normal, mostly. We’re most effected, at the moment, by the work situation that continues to keep us apart for 4 and 5 day stretches. We both expected that the constant time together in the last few weeks would have satisfied our hunger for time with one another, but it seems to have made it worse. This whole situation, did, however, give us a greater appreciation for being together. I don’t think we realized how fragile such a thing could be.
I am disquieted by thoughts of insecurity that I’m sure I should dispel. After my last relationship, I don’t feel unreasonable for wanting to marry a man who is in love with me, and ONLY in love with me. It isn’t that I doubt that, but once the fear is there, it is a hard thing to ignore. I don’t need anyone to try and convince me that I have nothing to fear. My baggage is heavy, and I don’t expect anyone else to carry it for me. I need to find a way to simply let it go. Perhaps, it isn’t trust in others that I lack, but trust in myself. These unexpected feelings and fears make me doubt myself. I am certain, more than anything, that marrying John is the right thing for me (so don’t go jumping to conclusions, fellow readers).
What I really wish, is that everyone who isn’t me would simply throw out their fear of what everyone else will think, for a few hours, and we can just lay it all out. I feel like I’m the only one trying to communicate, and I’m beginning to feel like I’m trying too hard. Everyone seems too afraid of what they might say, or might hear. I don’t care. I want to get married, clear of mind, knowing that what I know is the truth, and not a half-truth, or a sugar-coated truth. I want it, brutal and unadulterated. Steve sugar-coated all of his feelings and thoughts in the end, and it completely fucked with my head. Right now I feel like my head is being thoroughly fucked with and I don’t know what to do about it. Honestly, I feel cheated out of what I thought I had. I’m not sure what to do about it. I feel wounded, more than I know how to express anywhere but here. I… was loved by someone that I knew, undoubtedly, loved me 110%, without any distraction, or lingering emotion for anyone else. I don’t feel like I have that now. Before, I felt like I was the only one. Now I don’t. Now everything is ideals I don’t fit and can’t live up to, and passwords and secrets. My love for John, my dedication to him is undiminished… but this changed me. I don’t feel like I will ever be the same. I’m mourning that loss, still.
I’m seriously freaked about the intense relevance of a song I just listened to… "Lost In The Sun" by Hinder.
To my hubby: I can’t always say things that will make you feel better or worry less. Sometimes, My feelings will be difficult, but they will be honest. I love you, more than I have ever loved, ever known to love, every believed I could. I trust you, I just need time. Old wounds were reopened for me, also, that were still healing. I was hurt, by things that were done, and I can’t change that. I love you, still, and more. My well of love for you is expansive, and ever-growing in its vastness. Yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever.
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow. -Alice Walker
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. -Anais Nin
The cruelest lies are often told in silence. -Robert Louis Stevenson
A truth that’s told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent. -William Blake