If I Don’t Make It, Someone Else Will Stand My Ground

I can breathe. Things happen to me in life that make my entire body, entire being seize, like I’m in a massive earthquake, and if I move, even slightly, it will take my life. Call it a product of the things that I’ve learned through negative experience. I’m sorry that someone got hurt… but I can’t be sorry for the way things are. I am an easily threatened person, and I will defend the things I hold the most important- the most dear.
I wish that things like this would stop happening to me. I wish I could freely enjoy my life without constant, interfering complication. I’ve encountered this phenomena most of my life. As much as I should be flattered and complimented that my fiancee is loved so enthusiastically, such a thing is also so threatening to me. I’ve experienced this before. Last time, I didn’t come out on top, unscathed. I’ve been too late, too.
I’m marrying John. Come hell or high water, come disease, poverty or impending death- I am marrying my fiancee this summer. If I have to hide a .45 and a shovel under the skirt of my dress, I’ll do it. (Okay… I’m lying, but you get how much I want this). I realize that he is easy to love. He has so many qualities that make him… my ideal match… the one I’ve been looking for, waiting for, suffering for. I deserve this, don’t I? Can’t I want this and want it without having to fear competing for it, since it was offered to me? I don’t swear myself easily.
I feel more secure in myself knowing that everyone knows what the boundaries are, and the status of my engagement is sure. I am in love with John, more than I could ever have imagined, or hoped for, or thought I could allow. I am yours, love. All yours.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 02/17/2009.

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