How Will It End? The Suspense Robs Me Of Lovers And Friends
Things are much better. There will be reminders for me, for awhile to come, that I am… affected. (?) I will not always turn out to be who it is I thought I would, do the things I expected to. I am always taking myself by surprise, with each unexpected reaction and conflicted emotion.
I know I wrote a lot about this last time… the things that have changed for me since I left Vancouver have remained pretty much the same. I’m not sure what to do with what goes on inside me when I visit there. Things feel familiar, but the strange thing is that I do not feel a part of things anymore. I don’t feel like things are happening to me and I’m living in the passing moments. I feel like I’m standing outside of them, watching them. That home just isn’t home anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, when I get back to the Island, I am filled with an uncontrollable, ecstatic sense of relief. I’m not that person anymore. Sometimes that makes me sad.
I wonder how people see me. I wish I was telepathic. I’m so curious about what people are thinking, all the time. I have learned that men are unanimously not big communicators… I find this difficult. My non-telepathic brain cannot read them. *pout*