I Never Thought I’d Say “I’m Fine Without You”

Without You
Hinder
Take It To The Limit
(Universal)
 
I just wanna be alone tonight // I just wanna take a little breather
‘Cause lately all we do is fight // And every time it cuts me deeper
‘Cause something’s changed // You’ve been acting so strange
And it’s taking its toll on me // It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday
Without you, I’m seein myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then // But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away // Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine // Without you

Called you up ’cause it’s been long enough // And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up // We were never meant to be together
‘Cause something changed, you were acting so strange

And it’s taken its toll on me // It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday

Without you, I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then // But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away // Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine // Without you

Cause something changed, you were acting so strange
And it’s taken its toll on me // It’s safe to say that I’m ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more everyday

Without you, I’m seeing myself so differently
I didn’t wanna believe it then // But it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away // Well I never thought I’d say
I’m fine // Without you
Without you // Without you // Without you
I just wanna be alone tonight // I just wanna take a little breather.
***
 
The letter; always the letter. I’m writing letters to family to announce my engagement and update them on the last year, or so. But there is one in particular that I have to write that dredges up memories that I know I have to face– they’re a part of me. This is an issue I need to resolve before the wedding. There are things that I feel were left unsaid, things that need to be addressed, loose ends that need to be tied off… forever. The part I find difficult is writing the letter without pointing fingers or placing blame. That part is over. All I want to say is that I’m okay, and I’m getting married.
 
I have no doubts about what I’m doing– the decision that I’ve made to promise my heart, soul, body and mind to one person for the rest of my life. I also have no doubts, despite the short amount of time that John and I have been together. I’ve never felt so right about being with someone before, not even with Steven. I never connected with him like this. These days, conversations about the future aren’t all entirely theoretical. It isn’t all about somedays and maybes. When we talk about tomorrow, we mean it. The only theoretical part is the how. Oh and I am so excited to experience things with him, too. He doesn’t want to stay home (unless the whole point of staying in is to ‘keep it up’, hehe). He wants to go out and do things, see things, experience things. I’ve been very complacent, in the past, about living. I love going out. I want to go out. FINALLY, A MAN WHO CAN KEEP UP WITH ME!!!!
 
I would be willing to wait longer to get married, if we had to (for the financial reasons). I’m not afraid to go longer unattached, worried that it gives John more time to fall for someone else and take off. That isn’t a fear I have. My issue with waiting longer is that I want my Dad to be here when I get married. We would only be able to wait until October, at the latest, before Dad would be going back to the Phillipines… otherwise we would have to wait a full year to get married. It is slowly turning out that we won’t be able to do what we expected for the wedding. We know it will be small (roughly 50-60 guests total), and it is looking more and more like it will definitely be taking place in Black Creek at John’s parents’ place. We will likely be staying the night there and then going to Victoria the next day to spend a night in the Empress Hotel (or at least, that’s what we want to do). After that, things are very up in the air. We can’t afford to go to DisneyWorld at this juncture, but we definitely will be in the future (we want to take Gillian). But neither of us wants to get married and then go back to work in the two days that follow. We will likely be taking a week off (not a honeymoon, but a vacation) to tour around. The idea is something local, for now, although we had loosely discussed Los Angeles. That would be very exciting. I’ve been trying to talk him into California for a little while. It may not be DisneyWorld, but DisneyLand is still an experience.
 
Sorry for the lack of picture, still. We haven’t had time to take one. But we are likely doing that tonight or in the morning. I’m sick of working so much, and what’s more, I’m sick of having people around me all the time walking towards me with a hand out, like I’ve got nothing but the ability to give. I’m being leech-sucked so badly at the moment. I’ve barely had time to even bathe. I’m running myself into the ground, working this hard, and I’m headed for a hard crash, here. I would really appreciate it if people in general would just stop calling me if the purpose is to ask me for something. I appreciate the fact that I have responsibilities, but I don’t have a surplus of spare time in my pocket. I am one person. I think I’m entitled to 8 of the 16 hours this week that I get to see my fiancee for. Thanks. I’m available all week, otherwise, piss off. I’ve started screening my phone calls. Leave a voice mail. There is just never enough time. I used to feel like I had nothing but time, and now I’m going all the time. I won’t be at an Open Mic until February. It’s ridiculous. **sigh**
 
It looks like I’ll be working in Victoria during the week in a very short amount of time. Official word has yet to drop, but they’re putting John through LRA training on the 21st. His contract runs out on the 30th, so he will either be getting another extension, or a permanent placement. I’ll be happy with either. If it’s an extension, I will stay in Nanaimo. If it’s a permenent placement, I will be claiming marital EI until I can find work there. We will be coming home on weekends, though.
 
♥Kдśśị
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 01/17/2009.

2 Responses to “I Never Thought I’d Say “I’m Fine Without You””

  1. So I guess I’m considering L.A…. I hadn’t given it a huge amount of thought unless it’s to DisneyLand for the 3 day package I saw for a good price, but then if my fiancee tells me I’m considering it, then I’d better consider it 🙂 And my training is not for level 2, it’s for something called LRA. Level 2 is much more advanced and usually requires a degree, or at minimum a diploma in computer work. I still feel like a fish out of water sometimes as I’m still a welder at heart, though I love helping the other branches of the government that call for tech support. Anyway, Todd and I were jamming tonight. I’d never actually played the guitar before, but he handed me some sheet music, and within 20 minutes, I was playing the bass line for Fraggle Rock pretty well!

  2. I was fairly certain that it was something you had mentioned to me during lunch on Saturday. Not to mention the conversation we had about it again the next day. I’m obviously getting my wires crossed about things. *sigh* I’m not anyone to tell you what to do, and I hope you know that. That isn’t going to be something we’re going to do in the future: me telling you what to do. I want mutual decisions. So I think it will be in my best interest for now to not make any decisions about anything in that regard, or bounce theoreticals around on my spaces. I don’t want to give you the wrong impression– I do hope you’re not upset with me.

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