Shall We Liquefy, Oh You And I? And Vanish Into The Sea…
It has been an interesting couple of days. John came home on Thursday night, and we had a nice evening together. Friday was much the same, and then yesterday I went to work, and we ended up closing by 12pm. The snow is horrendous. People are boxed in by mountains of snow in heights that I haven’t seen snow reach since I lived in Terrace. Nanaimo doesn’t have a maintenance system in place for weather like this. This just underlines how badly we need Mayor Korpan out of office. The guy can’t even find his ass to wipe it, let alone get a snow plow out to properly maintain the roads. The North end looks like it has never seen a snow plow, and the sidewalks certainly haven’t. Store owners along Wallace and Commercial streets are doing their best to keep the stretches of sidewalk in front of their businesses clear, but there’s only so much one person can do, or even afford to do. Home owners have been pulling together and doing the same to the sidewalks in front of their houses. Mom shoveled our sidewalk to up past the neighbours’ house. The gentleman who lives there is in a wheelchair, so she took it upon herself to clear their sidewalk, front walk and steps, and driveway.
On that note, Mom is coming along. We gave her a lot of space to do some reflecting on things that we’ve said to her, and it seems that she’s understanding us well enough. She’s happier. Her temporary falling out with certain friends seems to be over, and that’s good. I do miss her, though on occasion, she gets a sudden, sad look in her eyes, like she’s fighting away the pangs, and I understand. My heart breaks for her when her eyes turn down in sadness like that. I’ve heard that she’s not going to Vancouver for Christmas now. I can’t say I’m surprised. With the weather the way it is, just the trip sounds exhausting, and once she’s there, the house may not offer her much rest. A stay at Kat’s is like short-term incarceration. While you love her, and you love all the reasons you have for being there, they aren’t good at curbing their drama for guests, and a great deal of the time, your presence not only exacerbates the problem, but inflates it to epic proportions.
Anyhow, A&W closed at noon yesterday. We discovered that we were the only A&W in Nanaimo that even opened yesterday. I was forewarned that we might be closed today, as well, but to be prepared to get up early to help open the restaurant. So I got up (or, rather, woke up) at 6am, and called about 4 times (if not more) in the hour that followed, and nobody answered. By 7, I decided that if nobody had shown up yet, but would at 7:30 (when I start), then I would be expected to be there also. I hadn’t gotten a call telling me that the weather was keeping the store closed, so I got up, got ready, put on my snow gear and headed out into the surprisingly mild cold, and trudged down the slippery hill to the restaurant. Well, nobody was there– windows dark, doors locked. Nobody else had shown up. So I went into Co-Op, which closed early yesterday also (4pm) and had reopened early this morning (6am), and waited. I figured perhaps Carolynn (our new manager) had slept in, or wasn’t ready to come in yet, or perhaps was just late. I waited until 8am, then left a note and went home. I just called again, and still nothing. If we weren’t supposed to stay closed today, Carolynn is so fired– and if we were supposed to stay closed today, I’m really pissed that I didn’t get a phone call. That whole hour-long production was a total waste of my time. I could have stayed in my warm bed, with my nose pushed ungracefully into my fiancees pillow (I miss his smell when he’s gone, hence the pillow) and slept. But now that I’m awake, I can’t sleep. Thank God for energy drinks.
I am grappling with something. I think it may be the source of my insomnia (though my complete and utter sleeplessness began after drama with Deanne started). I’m homesick. I’ve experienced this before, and I know I’ll get past it, but it’s true. I miss Vancouver. In all honesty, I didn’t expect to live in Nanaimo this long. I’d given myself roughly a year to get back on my feet, and find my strength and independence. I’d initially planned on moving back– perhaps not as soon as I’d wanted, but eventually. Though it doesn’t really matter, in the grand scheme of things, I do miss it intensely. Vancouver, if any place could be my home, would be it. So much of who I am comes from there, so much of what I love and the experiences I’ve had have been there… so many memories and wishes. I felt a sick flutter in my stomach this morning just thinking about it. I will let go of it eventually, but I think in terms of a place, I’ll always feel the most like my true self there more than anywhere else. I know, though, that I mostly miss the people. Chris, Lauren, Rachel and David more than anyone. It was so stange. I was standing in Co-Op when a box of GoNatural Fruity Nut bars caught my eye. We used to sell them at Chevron in the McSweeney corner, beside the Bread Garden cooler. Suddenly my gut was full of withdrawal, like I’d been away from a great friend for too long. In all honesty, Chevron was the best job I ever had, even when it was so stressful I thought I hated it. We were like a family. We were all great friends, we all pulled together and worked hard to achieve goals. We were very communicative, and we could depend on one another to be understanding when our personal lives interfered with our professional ones. I’m always going to miss that era of my life. It was pretty unforgettable. But I look forward, as much as I can, knowing that this uncertain, scary, exciting new chapter of my life is beginning, and I think that I will love it more than I’ve loved any other part of my life. For all of it’s sadness and extreme drama, and the abuse I’ve experienced, for all of the bad times and the absolute hollowness of it, I have had a good life- most certainly more than a lot of people get, even at its worst. But I must thank Lauren, more than anyone else. Of all of my memories, she gave me the best ones of all, and without making much of an effort. I’m so glad I pushed you to come work at Chevron with me! That decision changed our lives, didn’t it? You are my BEST friend. You mean the world to me, and if I could show you that with something you could touch, I’d give you the chance at the future you want.
On the subject of Deanne, I’m going to be the bigger person. I knew coming into this, that she very likely had feelings for John. That’s why I’d made it so clear that I wanted her to know about me. I never wanted her to find out, like I was a secret everyone was keeping from her. I wanted to find a way to make it hurt the least, because I HATE hurting people. Unfortunately, she did get hurt. I understand the outburst. I actually understand the knee-jerk reaction. What hurt me, was that she could make judgements like the ones she made about me, having never really met me. We’ve met, but she has no idea who I am, or what I’m like. I almost always end up at this place in situations like these, where I can shed my hurt and resentment and simply move on from it. I want to continue to give her my respect– even just as another human being, and especially as Gillian’s Mother, she does deserve it. Everyone deserves at least one opportunity for forgiveness for falling from grace, and I’m giving her a pass on this one. I want to start over. I’m pushing the reset button.
I heard this morning that it will be the first time in 25 years that there will be snow on the ground in every part of BC on Christmas Day. In case I don’t blog again before then (but I might), С Рождеством Христовым! Gilotsavt Akhal Tsels!