Either Way, Options Change– Chances Fail, Trains Derail…
Today is going to be a long day. Moving stuff. That’s right, I am vacating my living space for another. It has recently been outlined for me that I simply do not make enough money, which I know. I have to sit down with Jeanelle and work on my resume. Despite my distaste for Shaw, I am going to continue to apply, because I could use the money, and I am fully capable of being diplomatic. I am simply going to have to make sure not to mention that I am John’s fiancee. My greatest concern, however, is my ability to get there. I limit myself. I realize that I have made convenience an unnecessary factor in where I work, and that I shouldn’t. Recent events with the politics of management in my current job have simply shown me what they think of how capable I am, and I am above that.
The weekend was short. Too short. It seems to get shorter as time wears on. I’m starting to feel it, and the shortness is getting to me. This is a decision I made to follow through with, though, and I’m determined to stick with it as long as it is required of me. After Christmas, my schedule will be changing so that I can at least enjoy my weekends with John without worrying about work. *sigh* They just never seem long enough.
I let myself be too self-conscious still. Somewhere inside I am still that other person, who feels insignificant, who feels… like an intruder. I worry still, a little, that I’m imposing, that my presence is a distinct overstepping of boundaries, that somehow– I simply shouldn’t be here, not because I don’t want to be, but because other people don’t. I know that this is just more of my nagging past haunting me, but it can be a hard thing to let go of. I wish I had more to offer. I feel I should be capable of that.
Meh. Get over it, Kassi. One thing at a time, one day at a time. I feel, somehow, that I have not conquered this mountain yet. There is more incline to come, more waiting ahead, more wars to be waged and won. Such is life.
"The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief."
–William Shakespeare (Othello)
"The healthy and strong individual
is the one who asks for help when he needs it-
Whether he’s got an abscess on his knee or in his soul."
"There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire,
which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity;
but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity."
–Washington Irving (The Sketch Book, 1820)