You And I: Side By Side, You And I: Sanctified
Oh my friggin’ God.
I have reached an unhealthy level of frustration. I’m frustrated that my days with John never seem long enough. I’m frustrated that my days with John are recently filled with other peoples bullshit. I’m frustrated that because I have a medical condition, I have to keep up-to-date tax records, even though doing that means I have to do them myself, in order to not get royally ripped off by H&R Block (or a like company), I’m tired that I cannot find my T4 to save my life. Fuck. I’ve torn through every box I own and I still cannot find it. I swear that I put it in a safe place. I checked where ALL my other tax papers were, down to my EI information this year, and I still cannot find it. Now I’m wondering where my maladjusted brain decided that a safe place for it would be. Fuck, I am going to be here for days looking for it. GREAT.
This whole being an adult thing is fucking annoying. I had my T4 in a safe place for MONTHS, and daily I was going on and on about doing my taxes, every now and again the stupid thing would catch my eye and I’d get uppity about my taxes not being done. Now it’s taxes are due and I have no fucking clue where it is. *cry* Hellllllp! Just in case it has joined the land of the lost, I have written to David and Heather requesting a replacement. Even a photocopy or two of ones that they have would be fabulous. I found my ROE! But no T4. Isn’t that just completely irritating? I think it is!!!!!!
And ontop of it, I’m letting this shit with Deanne totally get to me. In the last two days, I have been approached by at least a few women, who have all voiced similar treatment from her, just for being his friend, as if somehow she was always concerned that anyone could show up and take the position she was vying for. And I’ve heard this theory that Gillian was a method of attempted entrapment more than once. The fact that it ran through my head at least once before I heard it from someone else has me a little upset. I’m not sorry that Gillian exists, I love her. I just can’t stand the thought that someone would try to bring John’s life to such an utter, screetching halt, because they wanted to be with him. What a horrible thing to DO to someone!
But then, at least once or twice today, I was preoccupied by a wonderful memory: The first day after John and I first kissed, he came over, and pinned me against the side of the house beside our basement door, and kissed me like I was the only thing he had ever loved. I was already so in love with him then. In moments, when I remove myself from what is happening, when I let myself get scared, and panic, when I wonder if I’m really doing what I should be doing (because I want to make sure I don’t hurt anyone), I lose the intensity and for a brief second, I’m not myself. But down here, in my body, both feet on the ground– I have never loved like this. John is.. everything I could have ever wished for in life, and if he had to royally fuck up once to become who he is, then how could I wish that he could take it back?
When the time is right, I want to have his baby. I want to be his wife, more than I can describe, or even emote. This is the only thing I want. I want to absolutely just drown in the life that I’m starting. I want to cry, because I never thought I’d ever be this happy again, this in love with anyone. To anyone and everyone who has worried about my decision– don’t. John is the one. He is my only one.