I’ve Felt The Fire & I’ve Been Burned, But I Wouldn’t Trade The Pain For What I’ve Learned

This whole thing has me not sleeping, now. It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe I’m letting myself get so caught up in all of it that I can’t even sleep at night. Thank God for Gravol. Yes, if you find yourself unable to sleep when you’ve bloody-well got to, pop a quarter or half a gravol– just enough to put you out. It doesn’t leave you drowsy when you wake up, and it won’t give you trouble waking up, either. It’s what nurses use, instead of sleeping pills. I love Gravol for a quick insomnia cure.
I’m feeling really territorial, which I hate. John is not a thing– but I can’t help but want to declare that he’s mine. What I mean by that is that he is my mate, not my possession. We’re meant for one another only. I don’t want that fucked with. I’m so lucky to have found someone with whom I can spend endless hours with, without feeling that I have lost my independence. I never crave time or space for myself when we are together. We share space, comfortably, and share silence in the same manner, without having to marr it or fill it with useless banter. We comfortably coexist, and have a mutual desire for it to be that way.
I feel vulnerable, and susceptible, and like a typical woman when I feel like this. I feel lowered. I feel that I should be above such petty possessiveness. He cannot be possessed. He is a man. He is a man I would give every fibre of my soul to, if I could. The lack of sleep certainly has me filled with distress. I don’t like ultimatums (receiving them or placing them), and I don’t like pressuring people. But I can’t live like this. She has to know. I can’t feel like this forever, with the constant worry that she will speak ill of me to Gillian, that she will speak ill of me to anyone at all, especially Gillian. I can’t constantly worry that she simply won’t relent, and will continue to pursue John, even when he is my husband, and try to manipulate her way into a wedge between us. I need to know that she understands what my role is in all of this, and that I won’t stand for any homewrecking foul play.
I’ve been smashed into an unrecognizeable smear under someone’s shoe before. I’ve had my heart dissected and torn apart. I’ve had my soul dampened and almost completely snuffed out. I can’t do it another time. I’ve invested myself, now. I’ve allowed myself to be in this so very vulnerable position, and now I’m scared shitless at how utterly, humiliatingly exposed I am. I want to run for cover, so much sometimes. But I’d be running from what I really want. I want to be John’s wife, more than I think I have ever wanted anything. My heart sways for him, like the waves of a rising tide. He is my Moon. He is my Sun.
So emotionally wrecked today– there’s a fist-sized knot in my gut that won’t go, and I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat. I miss my love so much more than I ever have so far. Friday seems like light years away. Each moment crawls by like a compartmentalised millenia. Please damn my brain for it’s sensitive idiocy.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/10/2008.

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