Your Eyes Tell A Whole Other Story & I Feel The Weight Of The World

…With Your Heart In A Headlock,
You Know You’re Better Than This…
Somehow I always end up back here… confused, terrified, overcomplicated, worried… my life never stays simple for long. I wonder if that’s a problem that everyone has, or if I’m like the Boca Del Infierno, and bad shit is just instinctively drawn to me. My juju must be seriously cursed. I’m ultimately happy. I, personally, don’t have reasons to be unhappy. My happiness is entire and enveloping and incredible. I can’t wait to share it with you. I’ve been holding all of this in for so long now, it’s all I can do to keep from bursting at the seams and letting you all know what the cause has been. Fret not for my happiness. It is great. But I suppose, at the same time, the struggle that is going on with my Mother, is also personal. So in some ways, my happiness is impacted upon and detracted from by recent events. I try to separate the two, because her unhappiness should not be mine to bear the burden of, unless I caused it. I am still so apologetic for the hurtful words she discovered, but I’m hoping that soon, with the light of new knowledge, she will be able to forgive me.
There is this, that I can tell you:
I did not appropriately address my distress over all of this soon enough, or in enough detail. I didn’t sit and pinpoint all of the reasons why, explain how I am so affected. I don’t remember much of my Mother before I was 14. What I remember is patchy, and a lot of it is centered around a time when she was mentally and emotionally much like she is now, teetering at the edge of the cliff with rock bottom just under her, walking the bumpy road just waiting for the world to fall on our heads. The Mother I knew of then was flighty, and the instability of it all really did stay with me for so long. I think it is still with me. There was a lot I could put off on her– an entire life that I’ve lived as a result of being left behind by her. I had to learn to understand why, and learn to forgive her. That takes a lot of personal strength, and work. I let her back into my life and accepted her as my Mother at 14 years old, because I felt that time had healed those wounds, that we could start anew. I didn’t want to carry that blame and hate and resentment and hurt forver. I wanted to hurt for a little while, forgive, and eventually heal. When I see the way things are now, I feel like all of that progress I thought we had all made isn’t even there.
Because I’ve barely been a daughter to her, and she’s never worn the mantle of parent, she was never there for me in defining life moments. She was not there for any of the big once-in-a-lifetime things that I could have turned to her for support for. I felt that for the first time, she might actually be there for me for one of them. I needed her to be. This life-changing turning point is one that has caused me so much happiness, and how can I say a word about it when I know it will hurt me so deeply if she cannot care? But then, the longer I hide it, the more I resent her for robbing me of my ability to revel in my joy, to shine in the light of a happiness I know I deserve. In that, there is no win. And moreso, to have her turn to me and tell me that everything she told me to help me get through this last year was all a sodding pile of steaming bullshit, that love and trust and honor are all fantastic lies coveted and clung to by fools and morons… with what I am hiding, how do I not feel insulted, or discouraged by those sentiments? It takes constant, determined concentration and work to stay level, and sane, and happy. With no reasons to be depressed, how do I allow someone who should want happiness for me, to infect my susceptible heart with such despondent sadness?
I have felt trapped in an inescapable room of mirrors. I have no answers, only my own frustrating questions reflected back on me, just as confusing as they were before. I don’t get solutions, just more questions. And I am sucked down by this unstoppable, repeating, destroying pattern. Above all, I feel horrible for seeing a sinking ship when I should see a one-man lifeboat. I’ve reached the point of ‘dive or drown’. Tonight, Tori and I went home for dinner. Nothing on the subject was even brought up, let alone discussed. I’m not sure whether it was a peace offering, an attempt to slap a smile on the problems, or complete denial. My heart is really hoping that it was the start of something good.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 11/27/2008.

One Response to “Your Eyes Tell A Whole Other Story & I Feel The Weight Of The World”

  1. I don’t think you’re alone in feeling like life suddenly takes a turn for the worse, while some people may not be as affected by it, it happens to most of them. You are a sensitive person, empathic, if that’s the right word, and it can be both a good and a bad thing. It’s especially hard when the cause of upheaval or confusion in your life is someone you deeply care about, even worse when you aren’t entirely sure how to help that person. I hope you find answers, they are out there, as distant or impossible as they may seem.

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