It’s Gut-Wrenching Sometimes, It’s Life Threatening Sometimes
Another week started, another day off, and John has returned to Victoria. We’re both starting to feel like my inconveniently placed days off are wearing thin. We’re accepting of the fact that it’s the new job that has complicated the situation, and that my current days off may become completely irrelevant, due to my decision to change occupations when I can, nevertheless, when he goes, it’s never easy. I know it isn’t permanent, and I’m completely sure of that fact, however it is that we decide to change it. We’re waiting for things to make themselves clearer. A lot depends on what happens in the coming months with his job.
I keep myself busy during the week by recording at the home studio and watching movies, hanging out with my Mom, who is getting better. Sometimes we forget that parents have a hard time too. A lot of what I’ve said previously is still true, but as their child, you expect them to deal with their own shit as they’ve always done, whilst fully sharing your shit with them. Meanwhile, they’ve come to accept you as an adult, and most of the time, an equal, so they feel they can share with you. It’s hard sometimes when the definition and dynamic of your parental relationships change. Though, my Mother and I have never really had a Mother-Daughter relationship as tradition would have it. She’s never truly been an authority figure to me. I’ve listened to her in the past out of respect for her as an "honorary" parental figure. She was too absent from my life. I grew up before she had a chance to ever really even claim that role, let alone fill it.
Things, despite everything, are good, and improving. I’m still as happy as ever. The next month is going to be difficult. On this day last year I realized that my ex wasn’t in love with me, and was SURE that he was cheating on me. In four days, it will me the one year anniversary of the day I almost died. John, thank God you’re going to be home that day. I’m going to need you. I’m a little bit dramatic, I know. It’s not that I plan to be forlorn, but it’s hard to go through a day when you know that a year ago, you didn’t know that "one year from now" was ever going to exist, or that you could even conceive of being happy. I do get sad sometimes, I remember who I was, I remember what I lost, what I went through… how bittersweet it all was. I remember how GUTTED I was. I wish sometimes that I could just send the bastard a letter and tell him that that day saved my goddamned life, and that now I’m with someone who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I get to be the person in the situation I never thought I’d be the one experiencing. Things have been feeling a little unreal.
Open Mic tonight. I had great reception. "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins is one I’ve done at open mic for several months. It just hit the radio as a single, so it’s been weird to hear it around town. We had a visiting Aussie in the house tonight who heard it and loved it. 😀 Candice wants to collaborate– I am so in.
Wonder (For John)
Opalescent daydreams rise from the cracks around my bed
I surround myself with the very scent of you as you walk away
And as you say goodbye, you imagine me waving and waiting.
It’s just 4 days until I see you again.
Irridescent shimmers tremble in my eyes
tears for the wonder of loving you is leaving me blind
so exciting, I’ve never taken such a risk, such a leap
to fall so far and so hard and feel so alive.
I know there’s a soft landing at the bottom, despite your rough-edged exterior
and your rugged attitude, you are so tender.
My God, is this really happening?
I hope you aren’t simply just a daydream bred from my brain
and its manic, hopeful, fantastic misfirings.
I want you in overwhelming tidal waves,
in tsunamis that wash away everything before.
I collapse beneath the force of your undertow,
and follow your relentless current.
Lemon-flavored dewdrops fall onto my lips
like fallen, salty tears that are salvaged by a lick
of my affluent use of words and the unchallenged opinion of my own worth
and the dragged-in breaths that I take and hold in
inside my heaving chest
to close my eyes, clench my fists
open the heart beneath my breast
and take that leap to fall for you again.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2008