I Hold My Breath Because You Are Perfect, And I’m Running Out Of Air And It’s Not Fair

In the last week, I’ve had the time to do some hard thinking. I’ve spent the last while out living, experiencing things, soaking up as much of the free time John had left before returning to work as I cold possibly obsorb. But since he’s been in Victoria for a great deal of the time for work, I’ve come to terms with a lot of things that came before him and before all of this.
 
I know that a number of people told me that I would feel this way, but as much as I was forewarned, it feels a little unreal. For the first time, I feel thankful for what I’ve had to experience in the last year. I mean, thank God for it. If I hadn’t known about the cheating, or if I had and Steven had wanted to work it out, if somehow things had just continued on, if I had stayed there, in that life– who knows where I’d be? Just as blissfully ignorant? Just as unhappy and unfulfilled? I still feel sad sometimes when I have to associate feelings like that to my memories of him, but that’s a stamp he put there. Lying invalidates and marrs a lot of things, and makes all belief in a time frame irrelevant. I wish it weren’t so. I am thankful for what I shared with him, I got some great memories out of it, and some experiences that I could never pay back to the universe. Sometimes they’re big things, like walking onto a movie set and meeting the principal actor, and others are as small as a smile… a smell. Those things are irreplaceable. But I deserved more. At the end, I deserved some respect, some humility. I deserved not to be stomped all over like trash. That makes me the better, bigger person.
 
I had to experience this last year, and survive it, to truly know who I am. I needed some first time experiences that I denied myself, some rock bottoms and some extreme highs. I needed to experiment and trip and recover. Now I know who I am. As it turns out, I’m pretty much who I already felt I was. I also needed this last year to know what qualities in a man are ones I should certainly give him poor marks for– and it has saved me more than once. I’ve been on more than one date with a very beautiful, pig-headed dimwit of a man, and that was more than one too many. I’m glad to say that I’ve found someone who is the perfect blend of personalities that suit me. He’s adventurous and active, he loves to go out and have experiences far more than he likes "stuff". But he has no aversion to staying home and staying in and attempting to watch a movie (if our attention spans can fit more than one another into it, that is) and making dinner. He is very fit and athletic, and loves to be spontaneous, mischievious and fun, but he’s also a super-geek who likes LAN parties, geeky gadgets and fandoms. Readers, I’ve found the person I want to be with… and he has gone above and beyond and said it quite succinctly: the feeling is mutual.
 
I’m going to get my Motorcycle learner’s book today. As soon as I’ve had a little practice, I’m going to get my learner’s for it, and then I will consider how much money to pour into lessons. There’s a class here on the island that you can take for it, and they include getting your full license in the price, but it is hefty. I want to get a sport bike. Haven’t decided on which one yet, but not a touring bike. The uprightness of it doesn’t look like as much fun.
 
In the meantime, while things in my life are sunny and rosy, there is a tropical storm forming over Prideaux Street. SHE isn’t happy. I think Kenn broke up with her, and as it turns out, not because he’s leaving, but because of what he’s learned about her. As much as I want to feel for her and be there for her, I constantly feel like someone is in my life trying to suck all of the joy out of my air. I don’t feel like she wants me to be happy, because she spends as much time as she can trying to deflate my bubble and say things that make me feel bad, and I simply can’t handle both extremes right now. Her misery is so contagious, and I can’t take misery when I have so much to be happy for. Especially when she would tell me that what she’s dealing with now would be a waste of my time if it was my problem to deal with. I feel like a jerk saying it, but she needs to be able to clean up her own messes sometimes.
 
***
It’s All Your Fault
Pink
Funhouse (2008)
 
I conjure up the thought of being gone // But I’d probably even do that wrong
I try to think about which way // Would I be able to and would I be afraid
‘Cause, Oh I’m bleeding out inside // Oh, I don’t even mind it

It’s all your fault // You called me beautiful
You turned me out // And now I can’t turn back
I hold my breath // Because you are perfect
But I’m running out of air // And it’s not fair

I’m trying to figure out what else to say (What else could I say)
To make you turn around and come back this way (Would you just come back this way)
I feel like we could be really awesome together // So make up your mind cause it’s now or never (Oh)

It’s all your fault // You called me beautiful
You turned me out // And now I can’t turn back
I hold my breath // Because you are perfect
But I’m running out of air // And it’s not fair

I would never pull the trigger // But I’ve cried wolf a thousand times
I wish you could feel as bad as I do // I have lost my mind

It’s all your fault // You called me beautiful
You turned me out // And now I can’t turn back
I hold (I hold) my breath (My breath) // Because you are perfect
But I’m running out of air (Running out of air) // And it’s not fair
(Oh yeah, It’s all your fault)
I hold my breath // Because you are perfect
But I’m running out of air // And it’s not (It’s not) fair

***

♥Kдssi
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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 10/27/2008.

One Response to “I Hold My Breath Because You Are Perfect, And I’m Running Out Of Air And It’s Not Fair”

  1. The thing with my dad is that really, it was more than just a promise on his part, so now I’ve had to drag my mom into this (though she would have said something even if I didn’t want her to) so she has to go to court and maybe get their whole divorce arrangement reassesed or something like that. He will not even stay on the phone long enough for her to say hello, really if there’s something involving me, he shouldn’t be acting like it’s some big private matter between me and him (or really, just for him, because really he tells me very little about anything financial). My mom took nothing in the divorce to make sure that he would pay for this, when really she could have taken part of his pension and such. It’s frustrating, but I certainly hope it works out. My mom knows most of the ladies that work in the courthouse, and while that may not sway any judgment, it certainly gives her a place to go for sound advice. I just wish I was there to help, unfortunatly I can’t be.
     
    It’s awful but sometimes people in our lives who should care, and understand, simply don’t. *hugs*
     
    And if I can’t visit you while I’m still in Penticton I will certainly do it when I move back to Van, which really isn’t that far off (march/april).  Miss you terribly!
     
     

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