Crawl On Me, Sink Into Me, Die For Me (Blood On My Skin, Dripping With Sin, Do It Again)
I’m intrigued. I’m truly intrigued. This was not where I pictured myself a year from the greatest disaster of my life. I honestly didn’t know what to expect, or to expect anything. But every day now, it seems, I’m surprising myself and others. People are often surprised to learn that I’m not shallow, like many of the people I know, or the people my age. I do things because my heart wants them, not because they’re common, or accepted, or encouraged. Sometimes I take the uncommon, terrifying leaps of faith that my heart needs.
People take me for granted. They take the risks that they think they should, based on the strings and conditions they put on priveledges, and are dismayed when it all falls apart and I’m not still faithfully standing there waiting, like a dog. I have my own life, and in it, my own desires. I put myself out there, but I won’t wait forever. I’ve been that dog. I am the master of my own life, and there are no leashes that can hold me.
You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. This is a thing I’ve heard all my life, and been witness to for just as long. I’ve even experienced a certain amount of it myself. However, in saying that, I must also say that through the few brief experiences of it that I have known, I have also known to choose as though today is your last. If you’re going to die wondering, there was a decision that didn’t get made. Be bold, and go make it. I’ve made mine. This is all your own bed to lay in.
Onto shinier, happier things! Despite the fact that I actually needed to go home, keel over and veg on the couch in my infectious state today, I still have not brought me down from my happiness. Love is a many splendored thing. John is the kind of guy who would have loved me from afar (as he has done for months) without letting on that he had any feelings towards me at all. He’d actually resigned himself to it, decided that nothing could ever come of his feelings– denied them. But he said that being near me made denial impossible, and it turned into pure, raw restraint.
The entire family went to his place last night and we all played Wii Fit. I have the cutest WiiMii! It’s crazy how accurate their WiiMiis are. John and Chris’ look like them so much that it’s almost creepy.
I don’t know what lies ahead. I don’t care. In the last two weeks, I have shared so many wonderful things with John that I have done before, sometimes many times, but he makes them feel brand new, like I haven’t ever done them before. We’re going on a trip sometime soon, hopefully. The plan was Tree-Go and Piper’s Lagoon, just for the day, although there was conversation of going caving/spelunking. It’s crazy how mad about him I am. I didn’t expect it. He brings out all of the most exciting, raucous parts of my personality. He enhances my sense of daring. He is going to ruin me for all other men, ever. And I’d be happy if he was the last one.