Your Love’s Like Ultraviolet, I Feel It Burn But I Like It

[Takes a deep breath]. Here goes. If you care about me, you’ll support what I want for myself. So please… care.
I’ve fallen for someone. It’s terrifying, it’s new, and I pushed it down for awhile and tried to ignore it. The thing is, I was even aware that my feelings were completely reciprocated, while I was still in the stages of trying to make sense of what I was experiencing, emotionally. I worried that my feelings were inappropriate, that they should never be acted upon. And what’s worse, is that the concern that I would never be able to realize them outwardly somehow made them stronger. For the sake of allowing him the right to his privacy, I won’t tell you who he is, but I will tell you about him.
He is 12 years older than me. I found that rather ironic, considering that a mere 6 months ago, the idea of dating anyone more than a few years older than me seemed so strange, and made me squeamish with intimidation. But at the same time, in those 6 months, I was encouraged to perhaps seek out someone that much older than myself. At the end of the day, we feel right together. Even when I go from being 27 to 2 in under a second flat, and back, we’re a match. We have this intense emotional and physical chemistry that balances just right. There is no scale tipping on either side.
I’m amazed, because after the last person I trusted with my heart, I worried that I would never be emotionally available enough to give it again. I was afraid I would spend my life unable to love anyone who would fall for me out of my lack of trust. Giving it again filled me with paralyzing fear, that as you may have noticed, sent me on a downward spiral of panic. I knew I loved him before I said it, of course. I knew before he did. I was with him one night, for a walk on the seawall at God-knows-what-time in the A.M., just wallowing in his presence, when the words popped into my head. I stopped them from rolling out off of my tongue, and hearing those words in my head not only took me by surprise for having thought them, but that I wanted to say them and couldn’t. Those words, coming from my mouth, to anyone who isn’t in my family is an enormous thing. Before I say "I love you" out loud, I fall a little. I fall part way, but then once those words are out, and my heart is bare, the rest is like a landslide, and I can’t stop it. There’s nothing left to do but fall completely to the bottom. Part of me is still apprehensive, but I feel myself wanting to believe in him, trust him, be with him. I want to be with him all the time.
The relationship isn’t without its complications. No-one knows, or at least not the people who should. There are valid reasons for it. We weren’t sure until now whether we were going to continue to see one another, or swallow our feelings and walk away. That dilemma is bred from the fact that my family knows who he is very well, but they don’t know about us. There was too much potential for complication, because other people are bound to be affected by this. They are definitely bound to be affected by this. But for a change, I’ve been trying to listen to the advice many people have given me this year. I can’t always make everyone happy. Sometimes, I won’t make anyone happy. What truly counts, is whether or not I make myself happy. This does. So please… let me have it.
He also has a daughter. I never thought I’d date a single parent. Not because I don’t like kids, but because there’s so much pressure, and I’d hoped all my life for children of my own. I never wanted to alienate someone else’s child by starting a family that would make a child feel pushed out or replaced. But with the recent consideration that I may never have children, it almost feels right. I’m not planning on trying to be her Mother. She has one of those, and a good one as well. But I can appreciate her as much as a Mother would. She’s this imaginitive, silly, beautiful four year old who loves funny jokes and fluffy animals, the color pink and her Daddy. And I’m completely okay with always being second to her. She should always, ALWAYS be number one in his life and in his heart.
Who knew that the next person I was going to fall in love with was someone I already knew? I feel like such an ass sometimes. He told me he has wanted to be with me for months… since he met me. That’s a long time to try to hide your heart, to pretend, to push down your emotions, to carry the doubt over whether or not your feelings are okay to even have. And he watched me ignore him for all of that time, to almost fall in love with someone else, to fall apart when the pent-up hopes I had fell apart. And he was there for me then. He held me when I cried.
What I love about him is how good a Father he is. He has so much fear that he won’t be a good Father to his little girl. I keep telling him that what makes a good Father usually begins with the fear of not being good enough at it. It means he cares. He also goes to see her in a town that is 95 minutes away on a religious basis every week. He never misses a visit. He is a wonderful Father. I also love how in the entire time I’ve known him, he has always tried to give me what I want. I don’t mean materialistically, it isn’t like that. When he began to have feelings for me, and for a long time after, he hid them because he didn’t think I would like even knowing that he liked me. And now, even if I work at the crack of dawn, if I want to spend the night wrapped in his arms instead of in my bed, sleeping like someone with common sense will do, he’ll let me cuddle in his arms until it’s time for me to leave. He weighs what is best for me against what I want, and finds a good compromise every time.  And when I told him that this was not a secret I wanted to continue to keep (or rather, a lie I did not want to perpetuate), he supported my decision to tell everyone, even when he was really worried about the reception and response it might receive. He’s good to me. He wants me to be happy even if he isn’t responsible for it. And when he is responsible, he just lets me be happy without trying to take credit, or ask for something back. He gives me happiness without the expectation of it being repaid (which just makes me want to make him happy).
I never thought I would fall in love with someone like him. It thrills me. It terrifies me. It excites me. I don’t know what to make of it all. It makes me wonder about myself, and about what comes next. I worry that I’m not ready to be this grown up. But at the same time, I don’t know if anyone has ever made me feel so alive. When I’m with him, I wonder what the hell I settled for for all of those years. I wonder how I didn’t know that I deserved better, that love shouldn’t hurt. My only worries right now are how the people who still don’t know are going to take it, and that telling him I love him still makes me nervous and a little afraid, and when he tells me.
Now, I’m not saying that I should have to justify myself to anyone. I most certainly don’t. But in my life, whenever someone else has been attracted to me first, I’ve run away until it was dead and gone. Good men have been hurt by me this way. In this, I had to do some soul-searching to realize that it was a self-destructive pattern of behavior that I always ran away from being loved, that I was just an insane control freak about love until now. I may have previously written this, but someone wise recently told me that it doesn’t matter, ultimately, how anyone else feels about my relationship except myself and the person I’m in it with. He also said that it’s time for me to believe that I deserve to be loved, and stop running. Traditional Kassi would not be in this relationship, purely out of having run away. I’m happier than ever that I chose to stay.
Here We Go Again
Katia Zuccarelli & Luke McMaster
Am I, heading for disaster? // Am I, forgetting what I know?
Or am I afraid instead of letting go?
Are we, dangerous together? // Are we, pretending to be sure?
Are we walking into that storm?

Here we go again // Back to where we never been
Take it from the end // Start over
And make it better
Here we go again

Is this what we always wanted? // Is this a beautiful mistake?
Is this the way two hearts are bound to break?
Show me a part of you that’s different
Show me that you know what I need
Give me something we can believe in

Here we go again // Back to where we never been
Take it from the end // Start over
And make it better
Here we go again


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 09/09/2008.

One Response to “Your Love’s Like Ultraviolet, I Feel It Burn But I Like It”

  1. I’m happy for you my dear *hugs* You deserve someone like this.  

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