Passion Rules Us All & We Obey
So here goes: I’m outing my big secret tomorrow, and I’m nervous about the reception. Again, it’s controversial. It’s something that when it began, I wasn’t sure I should be involved in it, and there is a lot of second-guesses involved. Only at this point, I’m so far into my decision that there isn’t a way to turn back. I’m not sure I’d want to if I could. For the first few days, I desperately wished I could take it back, because I’ve worried so much about the difficulties it could cause. It involves other people in my life who mean the world to me, and it has the potential to really effect them. My concern for their feelings is at the forefront of my worry. Of course, there is at least one of you who knows my secret, and to you, I hope that if the time ever arises that you will see it face to face, you’ll remember that it’s what makes me happy.
Too many people this year have accused me of attaching strings to everything out of the impossible effort to make everyone else happy. This time, I threw all of my caution to the wind, and shoved down all of my concern for everyone else. So much of me feels that it was unwise to do so, but if any of you truly meant what you said in telling me that I need to put what I want first sometimes, this was it. There will be hurdles in front of me, and ones I’m not sure I’m ready for. But I’m not sure of the future, we never really can be. I have to wheigh if that uncertainty is worth the risk. So far, I feel that it is.
Moreso, this isn’t just something I never thought that I would do, this is also something I’m not sure any of you would do. Every day now, I find myself experiencing things that I knew other people experienced but that I never thought I would, because I’m so guarded. In this latest endeavor, I don’t feel like I have to be so guarded. I can be completely connected and completely unprotected and feel completely safe. My feelings about it scare me, and terrify me, and thrill me, and pique my senses. I never thought I’d have these feelings about something like this. It’s overwhelming to suddenly turn out to be someone other than the person you thought you were, even in just one aspect. I know myself rather well in these regards, so this was all a great surprise.
But for the sake of the people that I love, who have potential to be… I’m not sure hurt is the word, but it’s in the same ballpark… by what it is that I’ve done– am doing, I can’t tell anyone who might out my secret before I do. I’m sorry I haven’t been forthright and honest, that I’ve had to keep these secrets, refuse to speak in specifics, but I’m discovering that it’s okay to not be perfect. I’m discovering that it’s even okay to be far from perfect. I’m discovering that it’s okay for me to be human– even if you don’t like it. If you care about me, you’ll find a way to accept this new aspect of who I am, even if you don’t agree with it. I accept you as you are, and all the baggage that comes with you. I don’t expect you to carry it, I just expect you to care enough to be kind, understanding and accepting of me, even now. I feel so humbled by my situation, and even humbled by the whole cloak-and-dagger routine that I’ve been carrying on with for the last week.
And to a certain reader of my blog– thank you for encouraging me to tell the truth. I trust you so much, that I couldn’t have shared my secret unless you’d told me that I should. Ultimately, however, future details of my secret will remain so, for the most part. It’s very personal, and I feel like it’s supposed to be.