I’ll Stand Up On The Ocean To Show You I’m Strong, But What If I’m Wrong?

I feel myself doing it again, this pattern behavior of mine. I’ve done something completely out of character. I tend to be fairly predictable. Even the things I’m spontaneous about are predictable, in the way that when I do the unexpected, it still makes sense coming from me. But what’s going on lately is so completely unlike me, and when things happen (especially things I’m so responsible for) that I didn’t plan on, expect, or have a firm decision about, I’m left terrified, indecisive and in full-blown panic mode. I am waist-deep in panic right now.
I’m afraid that I’m in over my head, in a situation that I can’t handle. I’m afraid that my reasons for what I’ve done aren’t good enough, and that the consequences for the choice I’ve made are too great. I honestly wonder how I get myself into these situations.
However, this is pattern behavior for me. Whenever I am in a particular situation like this, I panic and I run. I remember this from childhood, caring too much and then pushing everything and everyone away and running from it as fast as I could get there. I wonder if my fears and apprehensions about all of this are justified, or if I just have issues. I don’t know what in the bleeding hell I’m doing, and it has me so beyond scared. It’s been building. Day after day this impressive anxiety has grown and now it’s a bowling ball in my gut that won’t go away.
I’m gripped by this nagging worry that this is all wrong, and there isn’t a happy ending at the end of this corridor.
In other news, I wrote a new song today, and it’s awesome– guitar chords and all!:
(k. staschuk/SOCAN/ChupaChica Entertainment) © 2008
Sometimes I’m so inappropriate that I could scream
Every day I spend hung up on dreams
E                                           D
I spend money on useless things
Sometimes I’m so weak and so naive
Too many thoughts that I can’t take
Hide behind maturity I fake
E                                             D
When I waste time it’s not a waste
This is what I’ve got at stake
‘Cause I’m young and stupid
I feel so useless
I misjudge and make mistakes
I’m young and foolish
I feel so reckless
I rush in too fast and then I break
Cuz I’m too young
Just when I think I know it all
Life puts up another wall
E                              D
I give up and run away
Too scared to leave, to scared to stay
Some days are more than I can take
In over my head with what I face
E                                          D
Sometimes I feel so out of place
When I’m insecure and I’m afraid
And for all that I’ve tried
Every step I take leaves me terrified
E                                  D
I’m so careless sometimes
Can I leave it all behind?
(CHORUS x2 – 1st repetition acoustic strum)

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 09/05/2008.

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