The Face Of Change
I’ve had several weeks away from the internet, away from the influences of my recent reclusiveness, away from some deep-seeded self-doubt that I’ve been experiencing, to just be out in the world, as I was in the months that preceded the great move. There is this almost umbilical attachment to the past that I seem to have, that never seems to waver as I grow, and as much as I understand that it is a common human trait, it concerns me. I know that some time in the future, it will be this time now that I will miss, and realize then, too late, that I should simply have been in the moment. It’s not so much that I wish I could go back and re-experience things, and even though sometimes I wish I could go back and change things, it’s more that I wish I could experience more moments like those ones now. Today, I went shopping at Woodgrove. I actually mostly just looked around (as my shopping outings usually are).
My first stop was to the Starbucks (of course), to buy my Frappuccino. I haven’t had one since the last time I was on the mainland. I then decided, for old times sake, to wander the Chapters and look around at the books, and ooh and ahh at the stationary and various other office supplies, and then made a beeline to the graphic novels. I bought the new ANGEL: AFTER THE FALL VOL 1, and went to the special interest section and bought THE PSYCHOLOGY OF JOSS WHEDON, which I will be reading and coupling with my WHY BUFFY MATTERS psych book for my podcast.
I then went into Woodgrove, and wandered around for about an hour. I found myself mostly closing my eyes and smelling the place. Passing certain stores (Booster Juice, Shoppers Drug Mart, LUSH, Chapters, Starbucks, HMV, Claires, Ardene, The Dollar Store), some of these places have distinctive smells or sounds. I’d be brought back to hours of waiting in the halls of Metrotown with Lauren, for auditions, or for the next movie to start. I’d see a CD that my ex owned and things would just flood back from the times I had listened to it. I would remind myself that things are better now, that it’s ultimately that I miss how I was in those moments– WHO I was in those moments.
God, Lauren, I feel all wrong in my skin with you so far away. That, coupled with how intensely I miss my neice and nephew. There’s actually a family reunion next Sunday and I have to get out of work so I can go to the mainland for the day. It’s in West Vancouver. This is not going to be an easy trip. A lot of my family hasn’t seen me since just after I got out of the hospital.
I wish there was this simple solution to my going back to Vancouver. I’ve recently been quite glad that hopes I’ve harbored in the last few months haven’t panned out, simply because my love for the city would have ultimately torn it apart anyway. Vancouver is my home, no matter where I’m living. It always was. So many people ask me how I can stand the concrete and the steel and the glass, being so far from the serene presence of nature, the anonymity of the stars at night, the absolute freedom of an empty highway and a silent town. When I see a skyscraper, or a mall, or a neon sign, I don’t see it just as it is. I see art. I see the bones that make up a giant being. I’m so unbelievably homesick that I can’t stand it. I haven’t been myself in months, and I’ve recently remembered her. I remember the person I am in small towns, and I’m very reclusive in small towns. I need things to distract me and keep me out all day by capturing my sense of wonder. I’m a discoverer. I’m a creator. I’m an adventurer. I am an incredible woman who desperately misses the best parts of herself: her friends. Laure, if you move here, it would make so many of my dreams come true. If we all end up back in Vancouver together, we should rent a two-bedroom. Seriously. I’ll even let Tim x-ray me for homework. Radiation be damned!!
On a higher, less whimsical note, we went out for all-you-can-eat sushi tonight at Sake House for John’s birthday. There were 10 of us eating, and we put it all away. Haha. Mom drank an entire flask of Sake and got hammered. She was in a great mood for a little while, then ended up getting boozy and sad. I think it was because Amber was there. Amber is this trussed-up cow who likes to fingerpoint at other people and blame them for her shortcomings. She’s fingerpointed at Mom a few times. We were all quite civil and it went unmentioned. My favorite dishes were the Chicken and Beef Udon (I used to eat it in Vancouver every now and again– they sold it at Queensdale Organic Market), the Spicy Tuna sashimi, the Tuna and Chicken Karaage, and the California rolls. I will definitely be going again. Hopefully I’ll find some decent pricing on takeout. They have amazing food. I officially want to Dojo-ize my room.
Also, very recently, I was dive bombed with a date I didn’t want to be on in any way, shape, or form. Duane and I were supposed to go to the Mexican Cafe for lunch, just to hang out, before open mic, because he wanted to check it out. We met at work, and he’s got this giant, massive bouquet of purple flowers, with orchids and shit in there. I was so stunned and uncomfortable that I didn’t know what to say, so I just thanked him. He then insisted that he’d never been to this restaurant by the beach and had to go, he was happy to pay. So we go, and it’s the Lighthouse Bistro, one of the most expensive restaurants downtown, right on the waterfront. I was so uncomfortable the whole time I just wanted to get the hell out of there. It really seemed like he’d taken me out on a fancy date without asking me. It was completely awkward and I’ve been avoiding him ever since. I feel like such a horrible person.
Anyhow, things are looking up, regardless. I’m feeling quite positively about things.