Watching, Waiting & Wanting

I don’t know what to do about things in my life. It’s strange, to have things in your mind that you know you want out of your life, and in it, and for a change there simply is no way to achieve them. It’s not because getting there is impossible, or even unthinkable. It’s simply that as a human being, you are tied to your desire to be good, and do what is right. The moral implications are too great. So often, it seems, when you’ve jumped off a cliff in the name of shamelessly pursuing something you want without apprehension or fear (or with those things, but in brave stupidity), there is another cliff right under the first one. It’s funny how someone can pull the Earth from under your feet.

My greatest issue for what I’ve been dealing with, is that my feelings weren’t cultivated out of my volition. They were inspired by someone else, and nurtured by them– hell– encouraged by this person to exist. This person wanted me to have these feelings about this situation. As if it was this big shock that they were there, in the twisted, dysfunctional conclusion to the tango we were doing. The strangest part, is that in all of it, I still managed to be myself, and I am very much myself, without pretense, in everything I do. I don’t pretend, or lie. Despite how things turned out, it wasn’t me who changed. It was this other person. I’ve discovered that the other person was the one putting on pretenses, behaving a certain way purely out of their motivations, and their intent. I walked out of an emotionally difficult situation still behaving as I had before, because I was a true friend beforehand. This other person now barely speaks to me and leans on conveniences as escape tactics and evasion strategies. I don’t buy it. Nice personality shift there. How’s that working for you? It seems to me that I’m not the one with the problem dealing with the way things are now. You are. Figure out what you want. You either want me in your life (even just as a friend) or you don’t. Make a decision and get back to me. You know what I hope your answer will be, but if it’s not, know that I don’t need false friends. I’d rather the truth from you.

Nothing ends the way I hope it will. I always felt so sorry for people who feared emotional attachment, who felt suffocated by the idea of commitment. Now, I envy them. I wish I had no desire to be wanted or loved by someone. I wish that the thought of being held made me claustrophobic. I wish that the thought of a simple kiss made me feel ill. It doesn’t. I wish I didn’t need intimacy in my life. But I do. I miss having someone to talk to at night, to sleep against, to open my soul to about how I feel and who I am.

I wish someone would have the stones to tell me where and why I fall short, so at least then I could see these fucking curve balls coming and hold everyone at a distance. I fear (uselessly, because in the end it still doesn’t change anything) caring about anything and everyone. I’m afraid to let people in, and afraid to become involved and concerned. My heart is TENDER, and it keeps taking beatings and getting dropped and being forgotten about, and I feel it turning into stone. My heart feels like it’s two sizes too big and it weighs too much. I feel so much that I feel my heart forcing itself into a frigid numbness.

I don’t know if I can do this again. My trust is such an unsteady thing. Everyone who has it teeters constantly on a frail tightrope across a pane of tissue-thin ice. My trust is just a block of sandstone on the shore of an ocean of deception. It tries, and it has endeavored, but lies, letdowns and bad experiences keep pounding against it in waves. My trust is eroding. If I’m going to live this way, for however many years I have left in this life, please don’t promise me anything. Keep everything unclear and indefinite. Hold me at a distance, don’t let me in. Don’t want me or rely on me, or share with me anything of substance. I live for those things too much, and it hurts me when they leave. I’m left with this cavernous well in my life where I made room for it all, and the memory echoes inside it. Just stay away. Let me be obsessed about stories and experiencing the world and being a little selfish. Let me be bold and reclusive. If I allow myself to be too substantial, it leads to caring about people too much. I care more than I have a right to and obviously more than I should, and it’s DAMAGING to me.

Leave me alone. If you care… if you have cared… (there are exceptions to this rule, but few, and they know who they are).

If I could, I would be stupid and selfish and pack my bags today, call up someone I know and care about, and be irresponsible and reckless, and move to L.A. to find myself, and my dream. I was thinking about it yesterday, and it makes sense. Somehow I feel I know that’s where I’ll end up, with or without accomplishing much else. I went there as a kid. We were on the beach, looking out into the Pacific, dipping our little toes in the water (Katrina and I), and I remember telling her how it was exactly like being in a dream. I never thought about it too much, but I’ve wanted to move there ever since, even if my motives for it changed. I know doing so means excluding everyone else’s opinion (nobody would have me go). But I’ve been told to be selfish before, by many people, since apparently I’m not selfish enough. I’ve tried to grasp the things in my life that I’ve wanted here, and they all slip through my fingers. Maybe I run when things get too complicated. I don’t know.

My life may be inexplicably short. I’m just a girl. I’m just the tall, latina girl, who lives in the house on the block with the black door. I’m just the Cellar Door. I don’t know what people see in me, or what they think of me. I don’t know if I have any redeeming qualities. I don’t know if I’m a good person. Nothing here ever seems to start making sense. The only place I feel like I make sense is behind a microphone. I should go. I should go today.

Alexz Johnson
Don’t You Dare
Dark cloud moving in // Just one fall of rain
Would wash away // Wash away the pain
Just one ray of sun, to warm my skin
Rid me of the cold you’re drowning in

I could say that I don’t care
But the the truth is I’d follow you anywhere
I’ve been waiting such a long, long time
Don’t you dare change your mind

Seems so close to me but still beyond my reach
Calling me and playing hide and seek
Look behind that door I’m the one you been searching for
And I’m not a little girl anymore

I could say that I don’t care
But the truth is I’d follow you anywhere
I’ve been waiting such a long, long time
Don’t you dare change your mind

Don’t wonder round looking // For someone to replace me
Don’t wonder round wasting // The rest of your life
Don’t wonder round waiting // For someone else to save you
And don’t you make the same mistake twice

I could say that I don’t care
But the truth I’d follow you anywhere
I’ve been waiting such a long, long time
Don’t you dare change your mind

"One’s real life is often the life that one does not lead.” -Oscar Wilde

“If only. Those must be the two saddest words in the world.” -Mercedes Lackey



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 07/29/2008.

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