Now I Know That I Can’t Make You Stay, And I Know There’s Nothing I Can Say

As bad for my body as it is to stay up all night, the way a nocturnal person would (and if you’ll recall– the way I used to) my brain and my body do fascinating things at night. If you factor in enough rest (not too much, but just enough) I am a one-woman machine at night. Last night almost didn’t get there, grant you, I didn’t completely convert my body to the correct time, and I am completely bracing to pay for it this evening. However, I am unusually productive at night. There is nobody around to interrupt me, or distract me, and I actually find myself so bored that I’m looking to get shit done. I got my computer fully figured out last night– with the exception of the internet. Apparently I don’t need to plug in my router, I just network through my Mom’s internet connection. The catch is that unless you’re plugging in a modem, phone cable or router of some kind, getting an internet connection to your computer is simply a matter of anatomical incompatability.
I am slightly miffed, because I wasn’t really given much of an option as to working these shifts or not, or even how many. Angelina was going to work two of them, and I was going to work the other two, but it was decided that the Assistant Manager should not have to work those shifts (which is a bunch of crap, not only has she worked graveyard before, but the Assistant Manager should be the first person to work them if nobody else wants to– that was my job when I had that job title). So now I’m working all four, pretty well without my true consent (I felt I didn’t have the option to say no and it was made pretty clear), after I explained in detail to my employers that I have type 1 diabetes, and that working graveyards has historically been a major contributor to my illness.
So I just woke up, albeit prematurely, but how long was I expected to sleep? I couldn’t sleep anymore. Chances are I’ll sneak in a catnap in a few hours. There is the issue of open mic night. I’m hoping it doesn’t run too late, because I selfishly desire not to miss much of it as a result of when I start work. It has increased in popularity, though, so that’s always a good sign. I hope that Guy is feeling better today. I’m always a little startled when full grown men burst into tears around me, because seeing a man cry is so rare. But this is me, we’re talking about. I’m a magnet for emotional maladjusts.
I’ve been thinking about it quite a bit this week; the mechanics of human behavior and how psychological our actions can be, even when they’re primal at best. We have reasons for what we do, and sometimes not the most obvious. We act, sometimes with immense calculation, like pieces on a board in a very complicated game of chess. We stifle the things we ache to say out of knowing that all our words can do is create pain and suffering, and can solace or fix nothing. We hold back how we really feel as a way to impress upon ourselves the concept of not caring. I wonder if all of this holding back is really the way we’re supposed to live on, every move we make clouded by our persistent, and ultimately facetious desire for security. Sometimes the things we want from our lives are truly worth risking it all for– that last $5 dollars, that 90 minutes of lost sleep, that day off. I’ve lived a life of sacrifice, knowing it was necessary. The universe requires some sort of balance, and one man cannot reap rewards without earning them. I am a big believer in Karma. You earn your way, and you earn your luck– not by believing you deserve it (as everyone, even myself is guilty of believing), but because at best, we are animals struggling to be civilized. We puruse things because we want them, and confuse our desire with entitlement. We’re entitled to nothing. We want. Admit that you want. Embrace the fact that you want and go get what it is that will cure you of desire. I believe firmly that in the bible, when lesser men were accused of wanting, it wasn’t a reference to greed, that these men were greedy and always wanted. It’s sloth. These men wanted and didn’t achieve. They didn’t cure their wants out of laziness. Go get it. Go now.
I am off to seek caffeine. The best to you all.
So many bright lights, they cast a shadow, but can I speak? Well is it hard understanding I’m incomplete? I see you lying next to me with words I thought I’d never speak , awake and unafraid, alive or dead.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 07/12/2008.

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