The Razors And The Dying Roses Plead I Don’t Leave You Alone

No matter what happens in my life, I always wonder what I am supposed to learn from the things I experience. Every thing that happens in my life happens with purpose, it has a reason for passing, and I cannot help but wonder why. I know that these things will eventually make sense, they will culminate and add up to solve the great mystery that is the grand design of my life. And yet still, I wonder.

I feel like a bridge. I feel like the person people come to in order to figure out who they are, or what they want, or what comes next– people tend to find clarity in themselves and in their lives when they’re around me. I’m not saying that I’m responsible for it, but it’s something I’ve noticed. In some situations, I was absolutely the cause. I’ve been told that I seem to be a catalyst for change in the lives of others. It’s a lonely existence to be the catalyst, the one that people need but not the one people want. It’s a sad, lonely existence to be good enough to just be the one to fix you, whoever you are. Emotional attachments, lately, feel like such a burden. I watch the people I care for trudge through their lives without thought of consequence, bearing the weight of past regrets, the live and very current fretting over the present, and the near future. My soul feels like a patch of skin that hasn’t been touched in too long, like the slightest sensation whatsoever might knock me over. I feel like a bridge you’ve crossed and lit on fire. I am but the bridge you burn.

I’m mystified by the lack of discipline people have. They dream, aimlessly, for the things they desire from their lives but factor in meaningless desire for convenience and ease. I have never known anything worth anything coming easily. I have never seen or experienced a dream occur purely out of want. People have to work for it, sweat for it, pray on it as if it were their lives at stake, eat, drink, sleep and speak it all hours of their lives until they have achieved it. The fruition of any great reward comes attached to the work it required to acquire it. The truth is, refusing to expend the effort is laziness, and people who live their lives lazily deserve the sub-par end that their means earned them. You made your bed, ladies and gentlemen. You’d better hope it was worth laying in.

There was once a period in my life where I walked with walls erected around me that were higher than anyone could reach. Now that I walk without them, I walk in a world where everyone else has squared themselves away with walls of their own that I simply cannot seem to penetrate. Don’t you see? You were my last castle. People often speak of a world that constantly keeps them on their toes. If this world, this life, could dare to surprise me, I would be enormously pleased. However, it has been unfailing in it’s ability to be absolutely predictable to the very end. It’s strange, the things that come should be a surprise to me, a shock. Even when things happen in my life that are unexpected– they’re still predictable. Is this what it means to be somewhat precognitive? If it is, I wish I could will it away. Anything to make me feel alive.

A friendly acquaintance from high school died this week. I don’t even know how. All I know, is that I am thankful for my life–I’m just waiting for it to be something I can figure out, one I can direct. I can’t believe she’s gone. I keep trying to wrap my mind around it, and it seems so senseless. 6 months ago that could have been me. Would there have been a pretentious facebook group about my death, too, full of people who never knew me at all?  In the other hand, a man I haven’t spoken to since graduation got ahold of me this week. I thought about him randomly just a few days before. It was uncanny. I remain unsettled by both, equally.

How Do You?
You’ve got a lovely way of seeing the world
Of being in it
Never one to watch from the sidelines
   Like me
I wonder sometimes
How you do it
Why you do it
When it can hurt so much
Like a lake in early spring
I can only stand to pass a hand through the water,
For fear of getting cold.
You dive in and find the water bracing.
I wonder
How you do it.
Why you do it.
Lauren Spooner © 2008

I’ll never find someone quite like you again, I’ll never find someone quite as touched as you, I’ll never find someone quite the way that I loved you.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 07/06/2008.

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