Shotgun Opera, Lock & Load

Do you ever get the feeling that you need to be an absolute asshole to get your point across? Have you ever felt that it might actually be necessary to stoop to someone else’s level and be a complete, threatening scumbag to get your words to make sense to someone else? This is my issue. No matter how I try to tell this person that even so much as having to see her name is offensive to me, and for her to just live her life and forget I exist, somehow I always manage to hear from her now and then, like she has this unstoppable, permeating insecurity about her situation that crosses continents and seas. It has gotten to the point where I have had to tell this person that I will consider any further contact in even the smallest of ways a personal threat, and that if they don’t stop, I will be consulting a lawyer. I feel harrassed. I seriously do.
This is my new beginning. Everyone: this is my new start. Don’t look at my past and consider it too heavily. I’ve been through a lot. I want a fresh slate. I left a life behind to be here and do this and start over. I am not that person. I simply remember her. That isn’t to say that my past isn’t relevant in many ways– it is. But to presume that it should color all of the rest of my days is wrong. I just want to be rid of this pest. I want a chance to disappoint before people assume I will. I deserve a fair trial, too: Innocent until proven guilty, and all that.
I feel like Victoria is disappointed in me. I know I could be more than I am, I know I should have been. Now I feel she scrutinizes me all the time, even when she doesn’t know it. I never stay mad at her, but she’s always ditching out on the plans we make to spend time together, and excluding me from things we could do together. I hope that I’m just being sensitive and it’s just her age. I hate feeling like such a let down.
Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her. But once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/27/2008.

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