The Beauty Of You Gives Me My Fortitude
Май черный даю света
So I’ve discovered something new about myself that has left me unsettled– I’m lonely. Being in the city was such a lonely thing. I felt like I was reliving a memory instead of experiencing a new one. Within 2 hours of being in the city, I wanted to go home. Now that I’m in Surrey, with Rachel and Les, and going to see my sister, I feel better about it, but I know absolutely that in the last few years, my fixation on Vancouver has been taken away and replaced with pieces of my heart that I’ve given to people I love. The city feels empty and daunting without them. I missed Lauren so much yesterday, it felt like there was this hollowness where I remember such bountiful joy. Lauren, I miss the uplifting joy of your presence. You are the greatest best friend I could hope for. I have an errand to run in Metrotown today, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it without missing you to tears.
Rachelly is more like a Mom to me. I missed her terribly. We feed off of each other and bounce our minds off each other in a way that is so entirely unique. We’re completely incoriggible together. She brings out my mischeviousness like no other. And she is also a fantastic cook. She made me barbecued chicken and corn on the cob. My tastebuds are savoring the memory. She took me to Panorama to see Mike today. I was glad that both Mike and Messay were working, so I got to see them both. I missed them. Mike is practically begging me to move back and has promised me a job anytime I choose to. Again, Vancouver is my wonderdrug. In Nanaimo, I feel an inherent sense of purpose. I get lost here, lost in myself, lost in the vastness of this metropolitain place. In Nanaimo, I feel I’ve begun to shine. This is the time of our lives. I noticed a change in myself almost immediately after I stepped off the ferry. I’m less guarded on the island, I let people closer, I let people in. In the city, I put my game face on and square my shoulders. There’s an attitude that just spills out of me and into actuality that I can’t explain.
Being in North Van was extremely difficult. I love it there. It still feels like home. People remember me. I remember them. But I also remember myself, and how trapped I used to be. I remember how my life felt like a dead end. I remembered the prison that used to lay within me. I’m so very glad that I didn’t run into anyone I didn’t want to see. I was feeling so agressive, I’m not sure they would have walked away unharmed. I have a scathing distaste for certain individuals. Pete was very happy to see me though. He was still keeping my comics on hold. Aww. It’s unbelievable that I haven’t been able to get to Curious Comics on the island, and that I actually managed to go to North Van for my comics first. Haha. Ironic.
Rachel and I were also talking. She’s a very sexy woman and her husband is very sexual as well. They are quite hedonistic, actually, and always remind me that the only time they’re clothed is when I visit. But we’re also very alike. As intelligent as I am, and as sociable and spiritual as I am, I am also a very sexual being. I’m not into gratuitous sexuality. I love being sensual, and I so am, but my sexuality is only ever inherent when my heart is involved. Rachel says I have graceful, catlike sexual prowess. As I said, I’m a tease. The build-up is the best part. That agonizing, tantalizing ache is bittersweet. Damn, sometimes I don’t know whether I have a dominant or submissive personality. Perhaps I’m the best of both worlds. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel: you encourage me to embrace my inner rebel. Damn you, lol.
My favorite Vancouver clothing brand. They sell their
products at Adrenaline on the Granville Strip.
I had to resist.
Onwards with my trip!! I’m coming home tonight…