… I Want The Fire Back (Watch Your Fingers, Boys, You Might Get Burned)

I’m blogging anyway, because, who am I kidding? I did something today I haven’t done in awhile, though. I went out comfort shopping, just to get something that makes me feel better. I was considering an iPod alarm clock, but somewhere along the way, I got all frugal, and now the idea of spending $60 on something I don’t need seems insane. I did find something I liked, under $10. The whole experience was unpleasant. Shopping used to be a great distraction, even if I went home empty handed. This time, I was hot and tired and sore and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Shoot me if I’m not strangely motivated, though. I went for a long walk, and I’m itching for another. If only Barsby was closer, I’d be on the track all day. That’s something I miss about being an athlete. Athleticism is good for clearing the mind, like mental wasabi.
I will have my cake and eat it too, just like you.
(The ever infamous >$10 Shirt)
When things get tough I just try to sit back and remember that 6 months ago, I didn’t know I’d be alive today (and how grim is that??). I am so very thankful for tomorrow– just ‘un’ [insert something here] about today. Blah. I know it will go away. My head just sometimes feels like a liar when weighed against my heart. My God, I need to get a grip. I’m fully aware of the fact that my reaction to recent events is purely because, I was excited to be excited about something. The thing about being a smart person with lots of life experience, is that I’m so seldomly impressed by things, so seldomly surprised. There is a sense of almost perpetual disappointment in the world, because it always manages to be what I first expect it to be. This time, I think I was a little blown away, and I let it get to me. Fuck it. Life’s too short. Something I did learn about life today, however, is that you don’t change the world. The world changes you.
I closed a bunch of accounts, and cancelled some memberships to things. I’m going to be putting an ad in the paper soon looking for a band. It’s high bloody time I dove headfirst into the only thing I’m good at, with wreckless abandon. I tread carefully, far, far too carefully. Being careful is something that requires more effort than I’m willing to expend at this time. Music, music, music is my beginning and my end. Music, when I am with you, I never get burned. What I wouldn’t give to just be trapped in the busy euphoria of band practice, gigs and tours.
I made a personal declaration today. I feel I’ve spent too long being a person of substance, trying to find purpose and meaning in a superficial world inhabited by insipid people. From now on it’s just me. I plan to wish for nothing, want for nothing and hope for nothing. The past is over, and the future hasn’t happened yet. I’m living in this one moment while I’m in it, blind to the next and blind to the last. There is only now. There is only right now. I’ve always taken the high, hard road. It’s time I became as electricity and ran the path of least resistance. I am an island of stone in a sea of the civilization of man. I am a shift in the wind. I’m just tired of feeling like life is living me, and not the other way around. This round room of locked doors I keep ending up in is starting to piss me off. Soni says I need to open up the skylight. Aww, Soni… and Ian. You guys totally rocked today.
Life’s a show, indeed. Sometimes I feel like walking offstage.
Bif Naked – After Awhile
I want you to know I needed time to rest
And, I must confess to you // I am hardest on myself
All I ever wanted was to try to do my best
And I want tell the truth // now I am unwell

After awhile, I just lay down // After awhile, my chin ain’t up
Bare-knuckle fighter in the third round // After awhile, it’s all bad luck

Save me, Save me from myself // Drowning in the wishing well
I will try to rise above // I am never good enough

I want you to know that I needed time alone
Don’t you try to tell me that you really didn’t know
All I ever wanted was to never leave this bed
And I want to tell the truth – my smile is just pretend

After awhile, I got sleepy // After awhile, safety lasted
After awhile, disenchanted // After awhile, I just fasted

Save me, Save me from myself // Drowning in the wishing well
I will try to rise above // I am never good enough

After awhile, I just lay down // After awhile, my chin ain’t up
Bare-knuckle fighter in the third round // After awhile, it’s all bad luck

Save me, Save me from myself // Drowning in the wishing well
I will try to rise above // I am never good enough

I’m no good for you // I’m no good for you

I’ve been listening to Snake, Time & Settling by Megan McCauley quite a bit recently. I was never particularly fond of them, but they’ve grown on me. If you can find them, check ’em out. I desperately want to play these and Hey Aimee live. Anyhow… to Music Maxx for my sheet music!! I ordered "The Open Door" by Evanescence. Woot. Now I’m only missing "Anywhere But Home".
-"Does it ever get easy?"
-"You mean life?"
-"Yeah. Does it get easy?"
-"What do you want me to say?"
-"Lie to me."
-"Yes, it’s terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after."

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/19/2008.

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