I Lost Myself Inside Someone Else

It can be so hard to express yourself when trying to express a deep hurt, or emotional and mental trauma. Anything hard, and so incredibly painful, can be an experience that is near impossible to put into words. This is what the song "Castaway" has been to me. It was one of the last two songs that my ex and I were working on together, and he gave the full copyright to me, to use as my own song, as part of our separation agreement (among a few other songs). Anyhow, this song was never completed, and sat there waiting for me to finish it.
The lyrics were… so completely stuffed with foreshadowing about the outcome of our relationship at the time, that I sometimes couldn’t fathom how I wrote so many songs that were relevant to what was really going on, and it never dawned on me. At the time, I felt like I was writing fictional songs, imagining a situation and putting it to a song. In all honesty, my songs turned out to be things I was really going through, whether I realized it or not. Anyhow, Castaway was once a song wrought with agonizing sorrow over what I felt I was about to lose, and was pretty much a self-pitying song about me begging him to stay. I rewrote it, and I almost feel like what came out of it was absolutely inevitable, that if these words hadn’t been put to this music, it never would have been right.
You left me remembering
All the things we didn’t do
Every tear that
I cried over you
Yeah I’d wondered
what I was fighting for
I’m not your castaway
I’m not gonna be your last mistake
don’t wanna hear your reasons
Should have have asked me to stay
I’m not your castaway
I packed my things and walked away
don’t justify your actions
I’m gonna be okay
Too many nights
I have tried to
make sense of the hurt
that I have been through
Yet all that I learned
would not let me forget you.
Time to move on
Time to move on
The war wages on
The war wages on
I fight
I’m not your throwaway
I saved myself and ran away
I’m looking to tomorrow
I’m gonna be okay
I’m not your castaway
I packed my things and walked away
I’d wondered
what I was fighting for
Kassondra Staschuk (SOCAN/ASCAP) ChupaChica Entertainment©2008
So I’m feeling so excellent, because I performed 3 of my songs at open mic yesterday, and they got pretty positive reception. I performed late in the evening, though, so the place was fairly empty. I’m hoping next week I’ll get up earlier to perform. I’m making the official poster for Open Mic Nights so I’m supposed to be getting extra stage time as payment… hehehe.
Some of me has been sad, though. Mom and Kenn stopped seeing one another for awhile. It was supposed to be casual (which is something I would never be in) but my Mom isn’t like that. I don’t think it was ever really casual. Kenn had dropped hints for months that he was interested in her, and at the time, she wasn’t willing to go there. But she’s been through an incredible series of heart-stompings lately, and she felt that perhaps it was time to give casual a try. Unfortunately, they tried to build a casual relationship on substance. There were feelings between them both for one another that just began to inflate, until they both feared loving each-other so much that Kenn walked out on the whole thing. He has this determination to move to Europe and see the world, and perhaps never come back. He doesn’t want to fall in love with my Mom and decide not to go. I can appreciate that. The thing is, usually once you fear you might fall in love with someone, its already too late. And what if he goes and the big wonderful world just isn’t filling the void? It turns out that he didn’t know how to deal with his feelings at first, and was trying to make sense of the age difrence between them. They’ve made up and are once again a "thing." His travel plans, however, remain undeviated. Oh, I worry for my Mom’s heart so much, and in turn, it makes me fear for my own. I have this giant example of chronic, prolonged hurt in front of me every day and it makes me afraid to take necessary chances and risks in the name of love. What if I end up giving my heart to someone who won’t take it? What if I end up giving my heart to someone who doesn’t want it? What if I end up giving my heart to someone who won’t give theirs in return? Sometimes I fear love, and fear my capacity for it. I fear this fragile state of mind. I am a patient woman, with a heart pouring over with love. I don’t want to be the ocean men dip their toes into, you know? Reciprocation is outrageously sexy.
Anyhow, go to Youtube and type in "Wet Spots". They’re a Vancouver-based band that like to sing sexy music done in a mellow 50’s style. It’s truly hilarious. Especially the Christmas Carol one.

When she raises her eyelids it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.

Night and day, you are the one.

~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 06/17/2008.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: