What Happens Next?

By an incredible stroke of luck, I was paid yesterday morning. Unfortunately, Tina’s Diner (where we had breakfast) did not have debit. It’s okay, because we’re all paid back. Tori, Ian, Mom and I went there and three of us had Benny Wraps, and Mom had a full Benny for breakfast. I was working on a coffee when the waitress came to retrieve the menus, and she dumped cream all over me. By the time I got home I was smelling pretty sour, but the jokes about getting creamed on certainly were abundant. After breakfast, Tori and Ian went home and Mom and I went for a walk along the seawall. She only got halfway across before she pooped out, although, in her defense, we went down along the docks and inspected more than half of the boats, so she had a significant advantage over simply taking the seawall from the beginning. This strep has really got a grip on her. She has asthma, so it has been really bad. She coughs like crazy. She’s bruised her ribs already just from coughing.

We rented a bunch of movies from Shaw On Demand and had a mom-and-daughter evening. We watched PS I Love You, which I have been really wanting to see for several months now. It was great. I cried. I won’t ruin it, but nevertheless, the movie pretty much made all three of us weep and giggle and squeal like little girls and ask ourselves the question: “Why don’t I have a love like that??” One with someone who is always themself in an unfailing fashion, who appreciates that in me, without the worry or pressure or stupidity of trying to change one another. I’m a die-hard romantic, though. I’d love to spend my life with a man that I can say is the first person I want to see in the morning and the last person I want to see at night each and every day for the rest of my life. I want to spend my life with a man who, no matter where we are and what we have, we’ll figure it out because we still have one another. We also watched Surf’s Up, Music & Lyrics and Mr. Brooks.

Every time I spend any significant time with my Mom, I learn something new about myself. It’s really strange. We were talking about her being sick and I said something about how surprised I was that I bounced back so quickly. She said she wasn’t surprised at all, because I always had a strong immune system, and that’s what made me the unlikely survivor. We talked a lot about my Dad.

I’ve been forced to remove emotions from anything involving my Dad. It’s the only way I can deal with it. I love my Dad, very much. But if he’s going to stop talking to me because I grew up, failing to be there for me if I need him because I grew up, breaking all of his promises because I grew up… I can’t be selfish in this. If he wants to leave, if he wants to take everything with him, if he wants to leave me behind because he’s convinced himself that I don’t want or need him in my life, then fine. I’ll allow my heart to let him go out into the world and seek his happiness. In the end, it’s all that should matter. I’m just sad for everything he’ll miss in my life when he goes.

…I’m holding out for a hero.





~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/12/2008.

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