You Took My Breath But I Survived

I woke up this morning bawling my eyes out. I literally woke up and I was crying with my whole body. I recognize that sometimes I do still get sad- I even know why. Either way, I also realize that it isn’t constructive. I had a dream, and in it I had the one hurt I think I may still be holding onto revealed to me. I know that it’s time for that hurt and myself to part ways. I am hoping now that I’ve realized it’s there, it will simply go away.

My dream was the confrontation with my ex that I never really got to have. He told me that he hadn’t loved me for over a year, and then I said the one thing I had never thought I’d felt hurt over: “Because of all the lies you told, and because you held onto me for so long even when you knew it was over, you wasted a year of my life that I had to spend missing any chance at pursuing real happiness.” Essentially, what I meant by it was that every time I was loving, every time I made a hard effort towards bettering our relationship, every time I gave myself, every time I sacrificed, every time I gave in, I was shooting blanks and essentially pissing into the wind. It was worthless.

I realize that ultimately this information isn’t conducive to anything positive in my life. But at least I know it’s there at all, so that now I can let it go. It’s non-constructive crap that I don’t need, although, I think that in some ways it may have helped me to appropriately place my anger, and in knowing where to place my blame, I may be able to put it behind me and be better prepared to welcome the next, wonderful thing into my life.

Today was beautiful. I hear it will be even better tomorrow, and Shay is lending me his bike. I’m going to tear up Harewood in the morning, I think. It’s a much-needed improvement over today. Mom and Victoria went off on one another this morning and started throwing shit out onto the lawn like we lived in a trailer-park drama. This happened 10 minutes before I had to be at work. I was supremely unimpressed and had to spend the next 8 hours thinking about it. It wasn’t much better when I got home. When I left, the house was just crowded because Mom and Tori own too much shit. Right now, our house is a damned sty. It’s a mess. I’m extremely fortunate not to be embarrassed in the presence of company. I got heartburn today for the first time in 6 years. Not good. I may have to stop drinking coffee again.

Anyhow, family-time beckons.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/03/2008.

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