Music Is My Hero

Hello hello.

Today was the highly anticipated first Friday of the month (aka Rock Jam night at The Blues Underground). I got to go up and jam with Rustbucket. We performed I Love Rock N Roll and we tried to hazard 500 Miles, but they didn’t know it. Next month, we’re going to aim for Bad Moon On The Rise and 3 Dog Night. I just have to remember the words. And apparently there is a standing request to hear Hotel California, so  have something to aim for. I was very nervous, but I’m told I did well. I fucked it up a few times before we got through it though. My nerves are not easy to push down when it comes to performing, but I must say, I’m getting better with that.

Nothing much else happened today, other than that a few co-workers said some very nice things. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I really can’t wait to start working full time at The Dub. The people there are so nice. I love working with people I enjoy being around, and who enjoy working with me. Working with Kris is a riot. We have good times. Kris, Wanda and I are the triple threat!! Also, Victoria tried to stage an intervention on my Mom. She got the impression that Mom is going crazy because the house reminds her of too many bad things (namely, my Dad). She was being overdramatic, and we all had to sit down and explain to her that as adults, if we were too over-burdened by the house, it would be our responsibility to fix. Mom has no plans to relocate in the next few years, which fills me with relief. I’ve been packing up and moving and changing my life for nearly all of it. There was that nice decade or so with my Dad that I got to live in one place, but I did live with a raging alcoholic, so I never truly got to enjoy it. All of this always on the road, always on the move crap is starting to get to me. It scares me that I’ve begun to feel like I can’t develop attachments to anyone or anything without being gripped by the fear that I’ll just end up leaving all of it behind. In recent years, I’ve noticed it has become harder and harder for me to develop relationships with people, and positive, optimistic feelings about the future. It has been hard living a life surrounded by people who don’t even know if tomorrow will be anything like today, people who could leave the country in a heartbeat and pack up their lives like they have no roots. I’m a grounded person who has never really been able to put roots down anywhere.

I could use some time to get some footing, to put my head on straight and to, for just once in my life, be allowed to care about something or someone or somewhere without being terrified of caring. My feelings, when I have them, scare me. I don’t care easily, at least not traditionally. And when I do, I have that mini panic attack because I know caring is usually a source of great pain for me later. Caring is potential for hurt. I’ve recently become worried that my fear of letting people get close to me, and my fear of becoming attached to people will eventually be such a hindrance that I will become completely unable to at all, even if I tried. As a person who is overflowing with love, recognizing that I could lose the ability to love at all is horrifying.

So I had to have Mom sit down and explain that concept to Tori, who had no qualms with the idea of uprooting my life, yet again, if she felt it was a good thing for her. I almost died. I know I keep saying it, but I think I need to because so few people have been through that experience, and therefore just don’t really understand. I was told that I was probably going to die, and I was being prepared for it, every single day I was in the hospital. When you believe you are going to die, suddenly the thought dawns on you that all you are going to be when you’re gone is a room full of shit and a resume. Are those things you’ve left behind the things that are supposed to matter in life? Because to be honest, in the end, when you’re sure today is your last… that room of shit and all of your credentials, seem like the most vapid, vacuous, worthless things. They don’t matter. They become inconsequential. I would say that had I died, I would have gone out in the one way I swore I never wnted to: Regretting. I would have died alone, regretting all of the most important things I never did with my life. It isn’t my face on a billboard or my music on the shelves or my name on the front of a book (although depending on what the book is, it may approach meaning). When you die, all you take with you is your love, or your lack of it. I realized in that span of 10 days that if I did nothing else with my life, being a Mother and having a family was truly the only thing that matters. The rest is just filler, pretending to matter. Chew on that.

Anyhow, I wanted to share a few albums with you. I’m still on the hunt for the K’s Choice discography. I’ve loved K’s Choice since Buffy: The Album came out, and I also love a song on the Underworld soundtrack by an artist named Sarah Bettens. Now, I didn’t know until I went looking that Sarah Bettens is the former lead singer of K’s Choice, so I’m all stoked. I did manage to track down her albums, and they’re very good. You’ll note one of her songs Feel Me Break is my spaces music. She’s quite terrific.

And TRUSTcompany is also an excellent band. I knew about them prior to Underworld, however, they did appear on the soundtrack as well. They’ve broken up (of course), but two of the original members formed a band called Amity Lane.

Sarah Bettens – Scream (2005)
1. Scream
2. Stay
3. Come Over Here
4. Not Insane
5. Turn Around
6. Go
7. Don’t Stop
8. Fine
9. One Second
10. Sister
11. She Says
12. Follow Me
13. Don’t Let Me Drag You Down
14. I’m Okay

Sarah Bettens – Shine (2007)(Part 1)(Part 2)
1. I Can’t Get Out
2. Shine
3. Put It Out for Good
4. Daddy’s Gun
5. Just Another Day
6. Feel Me Break
7. Pave the Way
8. Rescue Me
9. Driving Alone
10. It’s Alright
11. Coasting Speed
12. The Soldier Song

TRUSTcompany – The Lonely Position Of Neutral (2002)
1. Downfall
2. Falling Apart
3. Hover
4. Running From Me
5. Slipping Away
6. Figure 8
7. The Fear
8. Deeper Into You
9. Drop To Zero
10. Finally
11. Take It All

TRUSTcompany – True Parallels (2005)
1. Stronger
2. The War Is Over
3. Surfacing
4. Slave
5. Fold
6. The Reflection
7. Breaking Down
8. Someone Like You
9. Crossing The Line
10. Silently
11. Erased
12. Without A Trace
13. Retina

Amity Lane – The Sound Of Regret (2006)
1. Drown You Out
2. Shutting Eyes
3. Die for You
4. Waiting for Goodbye
5. Running Away
6. Edge of Your Heart
7. Million Miles Away
8. Broken Wings
9. Every Part of You
10. The Avenue
11. Say Goodnight




~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/02/2008.

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