Carpe Noctem/Superas Ad Auras
Okay, quick introduction… I was unpacking and found these. I have nothing to contribute on this day in terms of the goings on in my head. All I know is that I care too much (more than I have any right to) so I’m going to get distracted and get over it. Have fun.
Here in the quiet, here in the cold
Endless confoundedness has taken hold
Piercing quiet quaking my bones
I’m alive for the first time
I’m alive on the inside.
Through the door you come home
Words form to line a poem
Your fingers draw out my inner-most fears
Your reassurance is the music to my ears
But no words could ever say
What the heart really means
No tears could dare to cry
to show you how I feel.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2005Black Tears
I climb into the chamber– nothing but black
I’m branding words into my skin
That I can never take back
I’m sorry that I hurt you
I led you to the darkness in me
A dark you did not know.
Blackened, teary eyes
and bruised, cold hands
begging for forgiveness (help me please)
Blind retribution for my vain contributions
Crying tears of past abuses (forgive me).
Hopelessly aware of the blank within your stare
welled up oceans in your eyes
reflecting inside the tide
There are things I wish I’d never said
Damn me if they escape from me again
I’d give my life for you to smile
To wake up within and stay with me awhile.
I don’t deserve another chance
My heart put you first but my head put my heart last
There’s no daylight without you (forsake me).
Kassondra Staschuk ©2004These Lies
Out my window I see your face
In the shadow of this complacent place
Unfurling pages without promises
No breaking inside of me- no memories
No dreams or need to
Hold these lies inside of me
Up so high
No need to make believe if I tried
To open up and show you,
then I could know you
then I could make it through,.
These ragged bramble trees
have some unknown hold on me
I cannot for all I’ve tried
cannot turn, avert my eyes
There’s this knowing, haunting
there’s this impending helplessness
Hanging on for nothing
If I let go, I could.
Somewhere in my mind
Intuition going blind
Grabbing hold of this
and all I know of this
All I know is that I
Hold these lies.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2004Fire
Save me, please won’t somebody save me
‘Cause I’m giving up
I can’t stand, can’t fight, can’t go on alone
There’s a fire burning my insides
And no matter how I try
I just can’t put it out.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2008Love Hurts
When you sleep, you’re pristine
I don’t hate you while you’re dreaming
and by your side I will stay
until you wake and it all starts changing.
Your love hurts me
and this lullaby is for the tears I’ve cried.
Your love breaks me
this is my apology for being me
Your love is destroying
So let’s just say goodnight.
Every day I’m grateful for this hazing ritual
and I live in fear that you will wake up and leave
So I thank God for all of your anger
at least that binds you to me
At least I have you at all
though you’re a perfect stranger
It all comes falling apart.
I live in fear, but I’m still here
Standing after falling down
I’ve let you hate me
because you cannot change me
and I’m sorry that I couldn’t conform.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2007
An Exercise In Hate
I think of you telling her all about me
telling her everything you didn’t like-
all the flaws that you could see in me
‘Cause I remember
I remember how we used to do the same thing.
Now I’m on the other side of it all
backed into the corner and up against the wall
while you’re bringing me to my downfall
by painting me black in her eyes
into someone she can despise
into someone I don’t recognize.
You left me to die.
Heartbreak is like a paper headline
It’s always different every day
but somehow it still feels the same
and either way it fucks with my mind.
The pain in my chest, the thoughts in my head
don’t make any sense
They remember how I loved you
but now I’ve got no reasons left.
I hate you so much that I could never think to love you again.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2007Careless
I miss the days when you looked into my eyes
like seeing into me meant you’d make me your wife
But those days have gone and are past
and I question each moment like it’ll be our last.
Your eyes are hollow but they say a thousand uncertain words
I don’t know you and dear God does that hurt.
Should I trust you when you say “I love you”?
I want to and damn do I try
But inside when you hold me I feel your words are all a lie.
I try to give you space since it seems I weigh you down
without an anchor will I fade away?
If you don’t want me then why should I stay?
So I won’t accuse you and I’ll let you take your time
but I feel you pull away from me and it scares me ’til I cry.
I just want you forever and for always
(but you just want to spread my legs)
But I know absolutely that I’m just counting down my final days.
You’ve made it crystal clear that you could never want me that way.
Her inexperienced eyes cry to you so helpless, so in need
So lost without guidance and now she will never leave
She lacks what you could give her
–if you just didn’t have me
(You mistake your deception for generosity).
She asks you for your advice just to own some of your time
but all of her sadness– it is all a lie.
You like the way she looks at you
It’s another girl and it’s new
You think it’s okay to think about fucking her
as long as thinking is all you ever do.
She wants you to think it
she thinks about fucking you
Suddenly all this thinking becomes fucking
NOW IT IS TOO LATE.
If you’ve ever thought about her body
pressing up against your chest
DON”T EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN.
If you’ve wanted to be inside her
If you’ve thought that might be nice
PACK A GODDAMNED BAG AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE
If you’ve so much as looked at her just once
and it made you hard
I HATE YOU- I HATE YOU
FOR BEING CARELESS WITH MY HEART.
I don’t want to be the person you take to bed
while you’re imagining I’m someone else
I want you to want me only
for being just myself.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2007Heartless
And just when for 5 whole seconds I didn’t think of you
A smell, a taste, a touch and I’m a victim
A thing, a time, a place and I’m left wasted.
I wouldn’t be left loathing what you made me
if I deserved it– if you weren’t perfect
If I just hadn’t fucked it all up so bad
we might be happy.
If I wasn’t deserving even of a shithead like you
then what is left to live for- to even want to live for.
I close my eyes and wonder so deeply
whether dying or not would feel so different
And am I even really living
if living means never forgiving?
This is too much!
Step back– don’t rush
Betraying my love and trust for lust has left me crushed
Tossed our gravitational bond far into the great beyond.
And God– who is it that I loved for so long?
He’s not you!
Just a heartless coward who crushes souls
A heartless coward and once my home
A heartless coward who made me whole
A heartless coward that I used to know
A heartless coward I once called my own.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2008You
Crystalline tears frozen in time
My heart won’t forget but overridden by my mind
Empty hours, empty spaces
new vacant corners show on hanging faces.
But I forget the dark, cobwebbed cubby holes in my soul
when you smile at me.
Though it may not be much, it’s a new possibility
a brand new open door when so many others are closing.
Might not be much but enough to keep me hoping.
Half empty glasses begin to fill halfway
while away the hours and I’m wishing you could stay
Comfortable silence, comfortable in my skin
Lovely change from the cold bones I’ve been living in
Hopeless, helpless used-to-be’s
are all a distant memory.
Somewhere grieving for what’s gone
stick to my resolve that good went completely wrong
Yet here you are: gently, softly listening
Eyes patiently waiting.
No more holding myself back
No more regretting the past
There’s not one thing left that I lack
because this is who I am.
Kassondra Staschuk ©2008414 818 333 986 (a dream I had in January 2006)It was hot outside, one of your average mid-summer, Vancouver scorchers. I’d committed both my Brother and I to a day at my Aunt Lynne’s house, or rather, her new apartment. It was a whitewashed building with two unfinished floors. I pulled into the parking lot and parked right next to the entrance.Jordan and I got out of the car and headed to the entrance. Just as we were leaving the parking lot, an electric blue 1969 Camaro pulled up behind us. Behind the wheel was a white guy with a buzz cut, likely in his early twenties. He said something to me that I didn’t hear. I figured he was out looking to pimp it up, so I gave him the finger and continued on my way. I didn’t see it coming. I should have, I should have known better. When I looked back, there was a gun barrel staring us in the face. I leapt backwards so fast that I hadn’t even thought about it before doing it. My lungs felt like forty pounds of lead. I waved my hands out in surrender as Jordan took shelter behind me. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, JESUS, FUCK, I’m SORRY!” I shreiked, backing away from the car. It sped off and I took a moment to regain my composure. My relief was shattered. “They’re coming back!” Jordan yelled. I grabbed him and we ran into the bushes, The Camaro slowed down so that the passengers could survey the area. They missed us and parked across the street. When they weren’t looking, Jordan and I snuck around the back of the building and took the back entrance into the lobby. I had never been so scared. Jordan and I got into the elevator. It was rickety and had no doors, but we rode it to the second floor.Lynne answered the door and the both of us burst through in a ball of panic. I told Lynne what happened so quickly that I’m not even sure what came out made any sense. I grabbed her phone and dialed number that I was surprised to have even remembered. My Grandpa answered the phone. “It’s Kass.” I announced, then explained to him what had happened. Without having had the chance to say that I needed help, he was already turning me away: “There’s nothing I can do.” And he hung up. I tried to think. I needed someone to come and get my keys and take my car to a safer place to pick up Jordan and I. But who to call? “Call Dan.” Lynne said. I couldn’t even remember if Dan Inskip knew how to drive. I didn’t even know his number. Lynne pointed to a green button with “program” written on it. I pushed it. The phone started ringing, and I hummed the theme to Dark Shadows. The answering machine picked up, so I hung up the phone. I felt out of options. We were going to have to do it ourselves.Jordan and I went back down to the lobby and we snuck out back into the field behind the apartment building. Two old ladies got out of the nearby rear elevator and promptly scaled the fence, completely oblivious to the walk-through gate a mere few feet to their left. I peered my head out around the corner. I could still see the Camaro. We’d have to wait. We took the elevator back up but it stopped on an unfinished floor. It overshot the floor by a foot as well, so we had to jump down to get out. It looked like the beginnings of a Wal-Mart. At any moment I almost expected a big, yellow happy face to fly by and slash my price. I began to imagine colorfully stocked shelves and bustling crows of product-hungry consumers. All there was, was dust and debris. We made our way down to the second floor and back to Lynne’s apartment. We bided our time and tried to pretend like we didn’t think we were going to get killed.When Lynne’s friend arrived, we went back to the ground floor. We couldn’t wait forever. But the Camaro was still there… license plate 414 818 333 986…