I Don’t Want To Feel Anything, But I Do

Why am I up this damned early? Why? Why? I fell asleep on the couch last night while everyone was watching the Special Features for Juno. I woke up at 6:30 with low blood sugar and edema something terrible in my face. I hate edema. I wake up feeling like my head is one of those carnival balloons. It goes away after a bit. I’ve had problems with it coming back since I moved here. It happened the last time I moved, too. I think my body needs time to adjust to its new environment. But hey– low blood sugar is a good sign. Tides they are a-changin’. Unfortunately, though, my sleeping on the couch (2 days in a row now) is a surefire sign of insomnia. I haven’t the faintest idea why, but the couch is the only place I can seem to get to sleep when I can’t sleep.

I’m so tired. I have reached the point in my insomnia where I can feel that near-sleepless night coming. It’s strange… I’ve actually been sleeping at least 6 hours a night, however, I still can’t seem to manage to get any rest out of it. There is certainly something wrecking my ability to rest, but who has any clue what that’s about? I know I don’t. In terms of stresses, I certainly have few these days. What I do know is that after having gotten my recommended (or near to my recommended) 8 hours of sleep a day, I can’t go back to bed and use restlessness as an excuse. So I drag myself out of bed to at least be conscious, even if I’m not functioning at a high and competitive level. I have noticed a continued shift in my body clock. I’m hoping that’s all it is. However, if I could get it to just go away, I would prefer to.

My patience is wearing thin. I cannot, for the life of me, find my damned sketchbook. It’s one of the few things I was hesitant to pack to begin with, and now I have no clue where it is. It’s driving me nuts, because it’s my portraits/socially-acceptable-art book. I have a completely separate one for my more risque work. However, I happen to believe that some of my best work is in the smaller and more absent of the two… and I really want to draw in it. *sigh* Where is my sign, Jeff Foxworthy?

I’m completely clueless as of late. I’ve spent such a long time around all of the same people and being able to pick up on how they’re feeling, that with a whole new life full of new people, I’m not reading them so well. It’s caused me some numbness, out of apprehension that I may misinterpret. I’ve essentially turned off my extra perception, because until I feel that I am competent enough to use it, it could be destructive. So, as a favor, laments terms will be greatly appreciated. Or you could simply club me over the head with it and hope that you’ve shocked a concept into me. (I’m tired, really, so if I’m being crass, I apologize). –Ian brought me home cold cherry pie (cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise). Awww. What a nice boy.

I miss dancing. I wish I could do it more often. There’s a certain sexual freedom and expression in dancing and I’ve been out of touch with it. I like to lose myself in music sometimes and just close my eyes and let it move me. It’s been awhile. I think the last time I got to do that was when I went clubbing with Barry. Yes. The night. The night of foul drunkenness. Dancing doesn’t require alcohol– that was a coincidence. Yesterday, I was considering going back to dancing, because that’s where a lot of my physical artistry began, in gymnastics and dance. I’m impressed that I’m still that flexible, but I could go back into it. There just aren’t enough hours in the day for all of the things I wish I could do with my time. In the meantime, I can’t wait until summer comes. Then we can all go back up to the dam in Harewood and go swimming…

OPEN MIC TONIGHT! WOOHOO! I’m concentrating on that. I have no idea what to sing now… because Mom isn’t going up this week. *sigh* I must return to the couch for my last 2 hours of sleep while my brain considers my options for me. (And for some reason I got pelted with a hailstorm of junk email this morning. *pout*)

David Bowie – Within You
Scary Kids Scaring Kids – Star-Crossed
City And Colour – As Much As I Ever Could
Black Lab – Keep Myself Awake
Damnhait Doyle – Tattooed
John Lennon (feat Yoko Ono) – Oh My Love
Polina Gagarina – Kolybel’naya
Peter Gabriel – I Grieve
30 Seconds To Mars – Savior
Four Star Mary – Dilate

They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/20/2008.

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