Let You Out, Into The World (SNOW?!?!)
Today was Lauren’s last day of work. She and Tim (her boyfriend, and a good friend of mine from high school) are moving to Penticton before the end of the month. He’s going to finish his practicum there for 8 months, as an X-Ray Technician. Their original plan was to go back to Terrace, because they need medical professionals up there, desperately, and that’s where their families are. There’s no word on that for sure, now, because the demand is also up in Vancouver, and they’ve fallen in love with the city. It’s strange, we’ve spent this time apart already, but our bond as friends is so strong, that it’s as though I can feel her moving farther away. I wish so much that I could be there for them right now, even just to help set the soundtrack to their box-packing and carpet-shampooing, and to keep track of the many rolls of packing tape. Lauren was such a support to me, in my time of need. She never flaked out on me, often dragging herself out of bed and out into the public when she had barely any sleep, just to distract me from my misery, or to listen wordlessly when I couldn’t let it go. Though, often, it was apparent that she had nothing to contribute in words, her heart was ever-present for me to lean upon whilst I was falling apart. And slowly, she was there with me as I stood back up and dusted myself off. Oh Laurenge, wonderful things are coming for us both. Daily I wish we were able to stand side by side as we have done so many times, and experience them together, to share in one another’s successes. You are a wonderful, talented, beautiful woman, and I changed when you came into my life. You made every moment brighter, and I am forever thankful for your friendship. I could never repay what you have given me, but I spend each day trying. Be bold. Let the world see you, because the world owes you a debt just for being. I love you, my best friend. Go amaze, as you have often done for me.Today was interesting. I still haven’t entirely decided how I feel about it. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t necessarily great either. It was sort-of ambiguous. I have never cooked before, for a living. Career-wise, food and I have been limited to preparing ingredients, and assembling deli sandwiches. Today, however, with very little instruction, I was put onto grill, on a Friday evening shift, for lunch and for dinner. It was outrageous. I’m the beginner! There is no reason, that I, with absolutely no experience doing what I was doing, should be the one holding the fort! I stepped away from grill when it got slow to do the dishes, and told him to come get me if it got busy and he needed help. For a solid hour he doesn’t ask for help, then suddenly Shaena runs back to dish pit and asks me to help, when there is a single order of 5 Teen Burgers on the screen. 5. This, is one of the simplest things to make. So I’m going to it, and the orders suddenly keep coming. This is a late dinner rush. So I open the CVAP to grab more burgers, and the damned thing is EMPTY. The cook, the one who is supposed to teach me how to do my job, has forgotten to make any burgers, or fries. So now, everyone is going to have to wait for us to cook them from frozen. I got on that so fast. I had burgers made in 5 minutes, extra burgers for later, and all of the orders out. I’d been warned about this, but I was just blown away. I’m the beginner! There’s no excuse! Oh well. No hard feelings. I think he could tell people were irritated, so I tried to lighten the mood, and come up with suggestions to make things flow easier and faster. Hopefully it will be a catching concept. I sometimes fear being perceived as an overacheiver. Apparently that’s a bad rap to have. Should I care? One more day of work, I say! One more day and I’m free!Regardless, my shift was good. On my way out I grabbed some old food, and took it home. I’d thought of poor Ian, who has been living off of toast for two weeks, and brought him home a few burgers and some chicken. It’s funny– it cost me nothing, and took so little effort, but he was so beyond happy. He was enjoying it so much you could hear his cries of delicious joy down the hallway. Though it was nothing more than a gesture, hearing him so happy (even momentarily) was so gratifying to me. I love it when people are happy. Speaking of which, I went over to Maggie’s place tonight. She needed friends… as things closer to moving day are difficult. We ate Chinese food and watched the first Lord Of The Rings movie. It was grand. We talked, we cuddled, we were goofballs. And Chris gave me a coin-like object with a sailboat on it that says “explore” on the back. I love it! A little piece of motivation goes a long way. I love how Maggie believes in me. I haven’t known her very long, but she’s opened herself to me and we’ve made fast friends.It was beautiful out today, and I was inside for all of it. As soon as I got off of work, it started raining, and then by the time I got into the shower, there was a huge thunderstorm a-brewin’. As I type this it is snowing golf balls. The flowers that April’s showers have helped to cultivate are most certainly perishing as I type this. At least Kiki is inside and warm, and snuggly. Tomorrow, that snow had best be gone. Where are you, spring?I’m truly looking forward to open mic on Monday. I’ve been thinking about it all week, in true excitement. I don’t know about the big time, big stages, thousands of screaming spectators… etc. The glamour isn’t why I love to sing. In fact, I almost worship my privacy and anonymity. But at open mic, there is much rocking to be had. Apparently someone who heard me there has been asking about me at the Co-Op, because a coworker there knows this person. It’s strange. Someone is supposed to be coming in tomorrow to see if I want to audition for something. I’m intrigued. This could be interesting. I have, in the meantime, been inviting people to come to open mic to watch or perform (hopefully even both!!).And last, but not least, I had an epiphany today, and it came out in the form of a poem:Memories Of Me
Sometimes I mourn the child I was
who went through all of that pain
So I then could begin to celebrate
the woman that she became.
–Kassondra Staschuk © 2008-My Mom thinks it’s simple, and average… but that’s what I like about it. It seems so straight forward… and yet, to me it was a striking realization. I had to drag myself out of the mire of my past, remember it and recall the hurt just so that I could laugh at it and love who I am, who it is that came out of that mess. It seems so easy. I’ve also taken a sabbatical from POF. Mom and I hid our profiles. Much needed downtime is in progress.India Arie – Ready For Love
Flyleaf – All Around Me (Acoustic)
Born Into Kaos – Night After Night
Ghost Of The Robot – Sounds Like A Personal Problem
Avril Lavigne – Naked
The Perishers – SwayAnyhow, I reached tired a little while ago. I feel like someone is polishing my eyeballs with a brillo pad. It is certainly time to go to sleep, and dream. Goodnight, smiling face. Dream sweet– whoever you are and no matter the circumstances. Dream sweet.I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion- I have shudder’d at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyr’d for my religion. Love is my religion and I could die for that.