Sufficient Caffeination Hath Occurred!

I just got home from coffee at the MGM. I was surprised at how fulfilling it was. Coffee is usually a casual gathering of people that are pleasant to spend time with, but I suppose it depends on the company. It was myself, Mom, Tori, Ian, John, Chris, Jeanelle and Kenn, crammed into a 6 person booth. But we were all really connecting as a group. The table was fairly split for discussion, but we swapped back and forth. I spent most of the time talking with John. He’s 34, and going through a crisis in his life. He had a relationship with the wrong woman and had a child he doesn’t see enough of. He readily admits that she wasn’t ‘the one’ for him at the time, and that he wishes now he’d had the strength to continue on and seek someone who was more his equal. We had a great, long conversation about where we both felt we were at in our lives. I love having conversations that are almost intimate in their admissions about onesself.

Tori says that I’ve been experiencing an identity crisis my whole life, since you-know-what… but that she can see in me that now I am a definite person, and that I appear genuinely happy and whole for the first time in my life. I’ve spent my last week or so admitting to myself that I am not the person I presumed to be 6 months ago. I allowed myself to be preoccupied by superficial and inconsequential things, that now I have no desire for whatsoever. This is the best week of my entire life thus far. I have gained something this week: an absolute knowledge and awareness of my true self that I didn’t know before. And I love it. We also shared a mutual fascination over how some people manage to mistake our intelligence, or articulate way of speaking with pompousness. That’s not the case. I don’t look down on people who don’t speak the way I do (that’s ridiculous!). I find also, that on occasion, I need to ask someone to clarify something they’ve said in terms I understand. In many ways, that’s how I’ve become so gifted with words (learning them from others). I expect that if someone doesn’t understand something I say, they’ll understand that it is just the manner in which I speak. It isn’t an intentional effort to be or sound smarter than anyone else, I just speak a certain way. Honestly, I speak this way because I say what I think. I’m rather forthright. I don’t feel the need to rework the way I think into a pattern of speech that is dumbed down, when what I’m actually thinking is correct, in terms of language and grammar.

On that note, if you are good with words, you should visit FreeRice. It’s a charity site that donates 20 grains of rice to starving people in the UN, for every word you define correctly. Go score some points!!


Apparently I’m being dragged out to TreeGo sometime (it’s an athletic obstacle course up in the trees) to have a blasty-blast. I plan to attempt being impressive.

We’re all going to The Vault for open mic night tomorrow. It’s great that we live so close, because then we can get in early and secure some prime performing spots. Mom is going to sing (probably something by Carly Simon) and I know I will. We both suffer from a modicum of stage fright, but hers is more than mine. I mellow out, and I’ve done small open mics before. We were talking this morning, over our sink of dishes and over some Janis Joplin music, that I don’t desire the career as much as I let on. She’s right. I do love music. My passion for it is great. But I have a passion for my family and friends that will always trump everything else. It’s strange… I am a modern woman. I think women are perfectly capable of pretty-well anything they set their minds to, and that women can function in most circumstances on the same playing field as men. I am aware that is an unusual quality in women– most think of themselves as less, or more. I don’t have to disparage men or disrespect them to make myself feel like I’m better. I’m not better. I’m not worse. I don’t presume to put myself above or below any category that is as vast as a gender. Sure, occasionally I will find myself feeling that I am superior or inferior in some way to an individual, but not to a group, especially not one of that proportion.

However, I had to point out to John that as capable as I feel I am, my ideals about family are traditional (to a certain extent anyhow) and extremely important to me. I would feel absolutely contented by having a family of my own and not persuing any hotshot, self-important career. If I could have both, hey great! But with how seldomly that occurs, I would be perfectly at peace with choosing family first. A lot of people think that being a modern woman means being the career-seeking yuppie. That is not so, and I believe that to be a more cosmopolitan point of view amongst women these days than certain people realize.

I’m a simple woman bred from a life of incalcuable complication. Nothing in my life has ever really come or gone easily and not much about my life could be reduced to lunchtime conversation. But no matter how complex my life is, has been, or becomes, I, myself, remain fairly simple. I find myself rather transparent. At 22 years old, and in the wake of much emotional devastation, all I want from my life is to be happy, and so far I have that covered. I’m not incomplete. I’m very much complete. The only way I feel I am lacking, is that I have a strong desire to share my time, and myself with someone, and to have that person share their time and themself with me. I want a companion to love with, who is understanding, patient and supportive in matters of emotion and decision (though concerned inquisition is welcome). I want to have my senses excited and I want to compliment (not supplement!) my being. He must challenge me to improve myself and to reach higher in my ambition (no matter what it portains to, or at least believe in me). He must be deserving of my trust, so that I may entrust it to him implicitly. I want someone who can be patient with me when I crumble under pressure. I want someone who is forgiving in moments when I am lacking in grace. I want someone who actually wants to marry me and have a family together. And above all else, this person absolutely can expect those things from me in return.

I am much like my Mother. She gave up any dream of pursuing music (her first love) to have us kids, and she has never experienced regret over it. I really like the person in myself I’ve gotten to know. I feel good about who I am. I wish I could share this feeling of completeness with others. It’s very peaceful. Though, any time I have the opportunity to make someone feel good, about anything, I find it incredibly rewarding.

Luvs. ♥Kassi


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/13/2008.

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