Riley Skye (My Honey-Bee)

I did my Numerology Chart today. It was disturbingly accurate. O.o But it got me thinking…

Sometimes in life, we have a strong intuition about something. I’ve found myself on occasion, experiencing that sixth sense, just suddenly imbued with an absolute knowledge about something. Sometimes it has been an ex boyfriend falling out of love, infidelity, someone getting too close who should be keeping their distance or a car I didn’t see turn a corner. Sometimes it’s though I can feel the future (Not see it, feel it).

When I was 17, I started having dreams about my daughter (I don’t actually have kids, so here goes). My first dream occurred shortly before my 17th birthday. I was laying in my bed, comfortable. I remember feeling warm, and safe. The room was dark, lit by a single candle. I wasn’t alone. There was someone in a chair by the bed watching me sleep. I knew what placement this person was supposed to have in my life, but not who he was. I never got to see his face. Of course, I shrugged off the dream, and moved on. But then the dreams progressed along a timeline with me, like the dreaming world in my mind continued on without me while I was awake. Some dreams as simple as me, pregnant as ever and sitting in a bay window, looking out into the world, would stay with me. I remember having my hand on my belly, and being filled with certain joy. I remember knowing absolutely that no matter what was coming next, I was okay. In all my life, I’ve never known absolution like that, pure unadulterated joy– like that. That dream stayed with me for a long time. I remember having a dream or two, in which there were people who weren’t happy for me. I know I’m capable of accomplishing a lot. I know I’ve wanted to accomplish a lot.

I’ve almost had the ability to have children taken from me twice now. Maybe just because I’m good at something, it shouldn’t mean that’s what I should want from my life. I love music and family because they make me happy, not because they have a 1 and 6 zeros stamped on them.

I dreamt about her again last night. My Riley. My beautiful baby Riley. Shortly after I turned 18, I had the most vivid, realistic dream I have ever had. I remember this intense, growing pain in my lower back, and in my body. By all rights, it should have woken me but it didn’t. The pain seared, and burned. I thought if it continued I might die. And then there she was. Tears of pain running down my face became tears of joy. Love like I had never known overcame me and everything else was inconsequential. How could you fall so completely in love with anyone, with anything, that had only just begun existing? I named her Riley Skye. It’s funny, until that dream, Riley was never a name I thought I would choose for a child of mine. Since then, there hasn’t been anything else. Riley, Riley… my sweet baby girl. She exists in my heart… or the idea of her exists. All I know, is that when I woke from that dream and she wasn’t there, I panicked. Even though I woke up in my bed, I was certain that what I had experienced was real. I tore apart my room, tore apart my house– and then it dawned on me. It had all been a dream. I was devastated. I cried in such a way that I had never cried before or since. The empty place the warm of her body in my arms had filled in my dream was the coldest most hollow place I had ever known.

I wondered for a long time if what happened was normal.  Was this a product of a waiting heart, or was this a memory of a time before this life?  I asked several women I know if dreams of this nature were normal, and most of them (especially parents) had stories of a similar nature. None of them could tell me what it meant. Is it just a strong female tuition? A strong maternal instinct? What does it signify? What message am I supposed to interpret? It has been said that dreams of childbirth signify a coming of something new. Well, even that can be literal. What does it mean? What does it mean?

I’ve never been the type to want to push too far ahead in terms of taking those steps. I’ve never forced a desire for children, in fact, never even broached the subject in previous relationships, other than to say that someday I wanted to have a family. So why the nagging, obvious dreams? Perhaps it was a preview to how I would feel about my Niece and Nephew, Shai-Ann and Nathaniel. When Shai-Ann was born, I was filled with that same, unconditional love. Each time she smiled at me, each time I held her… it was like my insides were flooding with light. When she would cry, I wanted to cry with her, to do anything to cure her sadness. Now, of course, she’s a little manipulator, so I don’t act on the impulse. And when Katrina got pregnant with Nathaniel I feared for months that I wouldn’t have the capacity in myself to have as much love for him as I have for Shai-Ann. And then I held him in my arms the day he was born, all day, and I never feared it again.

I was asked a severely unfair question by my ex once. I had one pregnancy scare in our relationship (only ever one) and he asked me if I would have an abortion if he asked me to. I’m prochoice… but I wouldn’t have an abortion. I simply told him that no matter the circumstances, I would (could) never do that, because just knowing it was there, and it was ours… would make me love it too much– even if he chose to leave me for not doing as he asked. So every day (even if not consciously) I will to forget my little Riley-Bee… forget the pink of her skin, the sweetness of her smell, the soft pudginess of her sweet little cheeks.

When I was in the hospital (both times, actually– for my Ovarian Laparoscopy and for my DKA) and I was being faced with the possibility of infertility or death, she was with me. I was holding her in my heart. If this is all just part of being a woman, I hate it. It almost irritates me that I find it really sexy when a man is good with children… because most of the ones I meet are your stereotypical, antiquated alpha male (the seed-planting sluts).

In other news, I now have two jobs. I’m feeling much better! I went out for a walk today, and for the first time since I injured my knees, I decided to go for a jog. This decision was unforced. I didn’t get far before my asthma caught up with me and my knees started to feel like I was grinding glass into them, but my podiatrist told me that exercising my knees could actually help compensate for the cartilage damage with muscle support. I’ve been running up and down stairs and speed walking, using the leg extension exercises and doing various muscle exercises on the leg press. It’s helped somewhat. But I’ve determined that I want to start running. I’ve avoided it for my whole life since I injured my knees and my reasoning is that runners are in peak physical condition. I’m determined to join the revolution! My favorite gym contraption? It’s a tie between the Hyper-Extension machine and the Outer/Inner Thigh machines. Or I could just join a rowing team.

Pero me acuerdo de ti, y se borra mi sunrisa.

Hasta mañana. ♥ Kassi


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/09/2008.

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