I’ll Be Fine, Just Need Some Time

Hello everybody. It seems I have quite the entry ahead of me. Forgive me, I’m not known for using msn as my blogging space. I’m addicted to blogging, but I’m such an attentive writer that I can usually only muster enough energy to do it in one place. I find it hugely taxing on my poor brain.

So here goes… my life for the last few months. Things are going to happen to everyone that they don’t see coming, even when they should. You put your full, undeviated trust in someone and you begin to ignore your instincts a little. You begin to drown out your gut feelings about things because somewhere along the way, you’ve convinced yourself that the gut feelings you have are the vacant, distant ramblings or your own unfailing paranoia.

I was cheated on by someone I considered to be the love of my life, was forced out of my relationship and my home, and ended up with Diabetic KetoAcidosis (I fell into a coma for two days and nearly died). It was a long, arduous recovery, but I left the hospital a type 1 diabetic. I was fortunate to have survived it, and it has really forced me to re-evaulate my life. I don’t know how I got so lost for all that time, but I didn’t have the life I thought I was living. It’s strange. I managed to convince myself somehow that my life was so wonderful and perfect and things were happening for me. I was teetering ontop of a house of cards just waiting for everything to fall apart.

For a long time I couldn’t find the will to be positive. I was deeply hurt, terrified of the adjustments that I was having to make in my life. I had to take several weeks of disability away from work to recover so I was worried about money, and everything just felt like I woke up one day and my life was not my life.

Looking back on it now, I have the clarity to understand that the person I was with is not the kind of person who deserves to have and hold me for the rest of my life, or for any of it. I can appreciate and am thankful for all of the wonderful things we shared and experienced together. Do I miss it? Sometimes. But I just remind myself that the person I fell in love with doesn’t exist anymore. I really learned who my real friends are, and they are amazing people to have as friends. I am endlessly fortunate to have them in my life, I don’t know how I would have fared without them. They let me be mopey and pathetic, and whine and cry. They let me be big-headed and stubborn on my angry days. They let me be carefree, simple-minded and frivoless on days when I’ve been a dilettanti, and gave me time and space to discover (or rediscover) my true self, however ungraceful I was as I did so. And quite a number of them opened up their lives and homes to me when I had nowhere to go.

To these people… the world owes a debt to you for being in it. You’ve provided me with faith in others, and an example to live by. I love you down to my core.

I also got time with my Niece and Nephew, whom I love without condition. They make me really want to have children someday. The love I have for them is profound, scary and limitless. Each smile, each hug, each new word and every new day fill my heart up with absolute, sublime joy. I live for them. (Aw, Auntie loves you… even when I make you have piggie nose).

Being a type 1 diabetic is something I’m still getting used to, but I have a supportive, nurturing, understanding environment to do so in. I inject insulin 3-4 times a day, unfortunately sometimes in very public places– I have no choice sometimes (public washrooms are way too dirty). The reaction I get from people who see me do it is sometimes the reaction I imagine heroin junkies receive when they shoot up. Other times, I think people just get nervous because it’s uncommon. Diabetes is an underestimated disease. It’s common, it is controllable, but it can control you. It’s terrifying, as things that can kill you lurk in every meal and beverage. Quitting vices and changing your diet and lifestyle aren’t just helpful anymore, they’re absolutely necessary. I’ve learned to prepare my own damned coffee, because NO SUGAR doesn’t seem to phase the determination of Tim Horton’s employees to just make you feel like you’re ordering coffee on the Audubon SuperHighway.

Anyhow, until next time…

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/05/2008.

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