Life’s A Bitch
Okay, so today I’m a little emotional, because the goal was to have some backing tracks complete so that I could record at the local studio while I was in Terrace. (The prices for studio time here are about a quarter of the per hour prices in Vancouver– except at Creative Studios but you have to buy a minimum of 20hrs). Anyway, Steve didn’t finish anything, and of course I wasn’t allowed to do anything on my own because nothing I do is up to the par he can do things at. I hate that he thinks that too. Whenever I do something he’s so sure he can do it better.
I’ve been so discouraged I’ve almost quit music completely because I don’t love it when he helps me. When he helps me I feel like a complete incompetent, talentless moron.
Anyway, so I’m not going to get to record while I’m here. I did, however, finally find a studio mic that would be absolutely PERFECT for recording at home studio quality, which as-of-yet has been our largest setback in the process of recording. Maybe once I’ve bought it I can finally get Steven to stop bitching so much about nothing ever being good enough.
He won’t even let me play the songs I recorded myself (the ones I posted here on LJ) for friends or family because he doesn’t want me to “embarrass” myself.
I am really grieving over the fact that I have to rely on other people to help me in my music career, people that do not share my dedication and enthusiasm for what I do, my love for what I’ve created, my excitement for what is yet to come. I want to work with someone who believes, who has the faith enough in me to actually CARE enough to put in time, to make the effort to continue to work with me until something is DONE.
I keep telling Steve that people have an intense capacity for understanding when they know what you’ve had to work with. When you say you recorded a song on your PC in your city apartment during the day through a PC mic, they don’t expect the studio album experience and can still enjoy what you have regardless. Possibly even enjoy it enough to wish they were hearing it studio quality. If the person listening happens to be someone with the ability and/or authority to bring those dreams to life, that could be the motivation that launches your career. He believes entirely that if I don’t produce something that sounds like it doesn’t need help from a studio and producers then nobody will want me.
I’m feeling uber-resentful about it. He won’t let me post some of the music we’ve got waiting to be finished because he either wrote it or worked on it and is demanding artistic license over it, and doesn’t want me (as I said before) to embarrass myself by posting it until it’s perfect.
I don’t care who you are, what I do, by my standards, is not sub-par. The practicing I’ve done to improve my voice, the dedication and the patience I’ve had to learn to practice, when I HATED the way my voice sounded, when I had no hope left, when I was exhausted and wanted to just QUIT is extremely telling of the love I have for what I do and for what I hope to accomplish.
I just wished someone else believed that too.