My Whiny, Self-Pitying Emo Post

This next post is not pointed at any of you… at least not that I am aware of. It is, however, related to an LJ post I read that reminded me of a particular peeve I have about people. Again, this is not intended for any of you, so please do not message me back angry or defensive. I have to go to bed pretty quick, but I have something to say that is truly important to me.

I am not less than anyone. To say so in any form is insulting.

I didn’t choose what’s happened to me. I’ve had easier times in my life and easier decisions. I think I deserve a little credit for being a survivor. My whole life people have compounded their bullshit on me because I have always had the strength of person and the dignity to keep living my life no matter how much wheight I’m wearing. I look strong. I act strong. I am a weak, grovelling, fragile person. I’m sensitive and when you make me feel like shit, I ACTUALLY DO FEEL IT. When you hurt me, it actually hurts. I’m not unresponsive.

If anyone hadn’t noticed, I’m a smart person. I don’t need anyone to validate my intelligence or my ability to do anything. I will not allow anyone to make me feel like I am stupid or inconsequential because I have not earned a bachelor of something-the-fuck.

MY ONLY OPPORTUNITY TO GO TO COLLEGE WAS TAKEN FROM ME BY A DRUNK BRITISH BITCH WITH A VENDETTA. I did not choose the life I’m living. I did not ASK to have a chronic disease. This is something that happened to me beyond my control. YES! I’M FUCKING ANGRY THAT CHOOSING MEANS CHOOSING MY LIFE OR MY EDUCATION. But it’s pills or school. Pills or school. I cannot afford both. I do not qualify for a scholarship because I earn too much money, regardless of the fact that I do not have the luxury of CHOOSING my expenses or not.

FYI, people don’t take my health seriously enough.

I ALMOST DIED TWICE IN TWO YEARS. In 2004 I was put on a donor receipt list because one of my kidneys failed. They managed to save it. I had early stage septicemia when I went to my doctor. In December, a cyst the size of a softball on my right ovary hemmorraged and I bled into my abdomen for 48 hours.

My life is not simple and cannot be dissected and tidily attributed to laziness or lack of motivation. I am incredibly driven. It has everything to do with being absolutely dry of resources and absolutely without luck or opportunity. If I could have gone I would have. I would still LOVE to go. But I want to live. I actually kind of have to be alive to be able to GO to school.

So DO NOT think you know me. DO NOT think for a moment you can understand the extremeness of the disappointment, of the absolute feeling of FAILURE I have. I am treated regularly like I am destined to be scrubbing scum off the underside of toilet seats for the rest of my life because I haven’t had a higher education. To the people who think they have the right to do so: FUCK YOU. I hope the education you had is absolutely fucking useless. Was the couple grand you spent a sound investment or just an expensive way to postpone living?

To be honest… I’m not even surprised this happened to me. When Murphy wrote his fucking law it was made for me. All I do is wait for shitty things to happen to me. It’s the good things I find surprising. Call me a pessimist.

-When I was a kid, there were 7 people in my house living off of one welfare cheque
-I have moved 11 times and attended 8 schools
-I was sexually assaulted at 6 by my stepfather, who years later after escaping conviction, raped my little sister.
-My little sister was kidnapped when she was two.
-I was beaten severely by my Dad’s girlfriend, by my Dad’s girlfriend’s kids, by my mom’s husband and by my Mom as a kid.
-My brother’s Dad was a heavy alcoholic. He lived with us once.
-My sister went awol in her teens and got caught up in tons of drugs and drug dealers.
-I was certifiably insane before the age of 10. I’m “rehabilitated.”
-Everyone I have ever loved has abandoned me at least once.
-My Grandparents thought I was a musical prodigy, and when I didn’t go into Opera, they stopped talking to me.
-I’ve lost a lot of my family to dying.
-My Dad married an alcoholic to fill my need for a mother.
-My alcoholic stepmother psychologically tortured me for a decade.
-I was sexually assaulted regularly between the ages of 10 and 12 constantly. To this day I refuse to say by whom.
-I had my car broken into by some goddamn asshole for 50 cents in my ashtray.
-My Dad has not come to see me in 3 years. The only reason I have seen him at all is because he was passing through to see someone else.
-I’ve had more health problems recently than someone taking immunosuppressants would have.
-My Dad got divorced and the alimony payments were so much that he was forced to declare bankruptcy, losing my college tuition.
-My Dad, who is finally talking to me again, is going blind.

I have dealt with my share of shittiness, okay? SO BACK OFF! ALL I WANT IS A NORMAL GODDAMN LIFE TO DO NORMAL GODDAMN THINGS! But despite everything, I am not subservient. I will not crawl into a corner and go quietly.


~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/13/2007.

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