Musings of Madness
So a lot of people I know are settling down. Maybe it’s a sign of the times, maybe not– I’m not sure. But I know I’m meant to have at least one baby in this life, and I so want that someday. I hear that someone else is having a baby and a huge peice of me is jealous.
It’s stupid. I have so much time. I have forever. But part of me feels like it’s just not enough time. I feel like something is missing… some answer or affirmation that will make me feel more secure. My parents think that the way I live is nothing but a dead end. I don’t agree. What I am living makes me happy, whether or not I’m rich or poor. The way I live brings me peace of mind and solace and joy. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still dream about the bigger picture of my music and the career I’ve imagined since childhood, because I certainly do. But more recently I ask myself more and more– is it what I really want or is it just a pipe dream? Doesn’t it pale in comparison to the absolute divine completeness of family? So many people take their family completely for granted and I just can’t see how.
I hold my baby neice Shai, and I well up inside. I feel like my insides could just explode from the happiness she fills me with. I’ve never known love for anyone the way I love her. I keep waiting for the affection to wane but it doesn’t. The things she does never get old, and I’m never left unamazed by her.
I feel so completely ready to move forward with my life and make a change. Not necessarily having babies, yet, but something. Something big. Something sensational. I think that desire in me scares other people, because I am so intensely emotional and intensely ambitious.
I don’t want to force my feelings on anyone… But how do I not do that without not getting anything I want out of life? Sometimes I feel like if I can’t achieve the things in my life that drive me in the situations that I am in than my only option is to start over and wipe the slate clean. But how can I? How could I make such a callous, selfish decision like that over my instinct that something needs to happen?