Life Is Officially Shit

You ever reach a point in your life where you feel like all of the hard work and effort you are forced into just keeping yourself alive stops being worth it? I do. There are moments now when I seriously consider inducing an insulin coma just so I don’t have to deal with any of it or anyone anymore. I can’t believe I thought I had anything figured out. Nothing makes any fucking sense.

I’m really sick. I’m on watch right now because my diabetes has progressed. My doctor thinks I may have converted to type 1. I’m supposed to go in for tests today to find out. I may not be allowed to have kids if my doctors decide that having one might kill me (and in truth it probably will).

This weekend was supposed to be a good time. It was my Neice’s 2nd Birthday, and she is one of the best things in my life. It was all going really well and then her Dad decided to get piss drunk. He loses it when he gets drunk. He started a fight with some guy outside down the road and came back to get a weapon. Nobody was going to let me call the police. In hindsight I should have anyway, because I saw him grab the knife, and if he had killed someone (which is something he is entirely capable of) I could be held as an accessory to murder for not doing anything. He lost. He took a shot to the base of his skull and ended up with a broken nose, a broken jaw, two black eyes and a serious concussion. He’s lucky he lost. But he kept getting angry in his stupor and started trashing the apartment. When Steve got scared we decided to bail, and my brother in law started chasing Steve down. I thought he was gonna fucking hit him. He threatened to but I got there before he got the chance. If he had hit him I would never go back. We wanted to leave but then I have my sister begging me to stay. Steve was BEGGING me to leave and my sister was begging me to stay, crying that she’s afraid to be alone with her own husband. I never want to be put into that position ever again. Steve volunteered to stay if I kept Doug the fuck away from him. It was manageable because Doug eventually gave in to the pain. I was held hostage in a dangerous situation yesterday that could have gotten someone killed, because I took Steve there. I am never taking him there again, and I still don’t know if I will ever stay there again. I’ll go to get my Neice for a day or two, but I don’t know if for any other reason.

I was supposed to avoid stressful situations at all costs and all I’ve been doing all week is putting myself unwillingly into seriously fucking stressful situations. I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE HERE. I’m hot, I’m extremely fucking dehydrated, I’m in complete and total full body pain, I have a splitting migraine and a giant bottle of fucking pills so do not provoke me people. I am in a BAD FUCKING WAY and NOBODY FUCKING CARES. I feel like all week people have been trying their damnedest to stress me to death on PURPOSE and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do this alone with no support. I can’t do this being made to feel like I’m supported when it’s not true.

I NEED SOMEONE WITH ME WHO WILL RECOGNIZE THAT I’M NOT TRYING TO BE A BITCH, BUT I AM CLOSE TO SERIOUSLY NEEDING A HOSPITAL. I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE. I NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL CONSIDER ME FIRST EVEN WHEN THEY ARE BLIND WITH ANGER, BECAUSE I HAVEN’T EATEN IN TWELVE HOURS AND MY PANCREAS DOESN’T WORK TO METABOLIZE THE SUGAR MY LIVER IS SLOWLY KILLING ME WITH.

I NEED A FAMILY THAT WON’T PATRONIZE ME FOR THE THINGS I CAN’T CONTROL.

MY DAD WENT BANKRUPT ON HIS OWN. IT WAS HIS DECISIONS THAT HELPED HIM ALONG. I HAVE NOT TAKEN A CENT FROM HIM IN MORE THAN TWO YEARS.
FYI, people. Most kids are sent to college by their parents, and those who aren’t couldn’t even afford my medical treatment let alone college ontop of it. So get off my fucking case. I don’t see any of you trying to help.

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 10/04/2006.

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