A Lack Of Empathy = A Lack Of Me + You = You < SHIT
I’m really resentful right now that the people I love have no time to talk me through what’s happening to me. When I was young (or, well, always really) people felt that I was mature enough to carry their burdens, that they could come to me and discuss anything, despite my inexperience or age. All my life I have had people putting their worries and their expectations on me. But apparently that street does not go both ways.
I have been told outright that there are people I cannot discuss this with for fear of burdening their lives with excess worry. If I can’t fix what’s happening and it kills me will anyone care then that they weren’t there for me? Will anyone care that I had to be terrified and worried all alone in my head?
I want to go to school, but I have a short life expectancy and I don’t want to die when I’m forty having spent 85% of my life suffering for a future I never got to enjoy. The point of all of it is to just be happy. Money is not my cure. Money is not my solution. Money will not buy me solace, all it will do is buy me a nicer coffin when I get there. I want to be happy. I want to be married and have babies. Sure, I don’t want to spend my life scrounging for cash and cutting coupons and running around unable to keep up with my life, but I don’t want to have all the answers with nothing in my life to complicate my heart. I can’t live the way other people can.
People who can save the better part of $20,000 live off of instant food and share a one bedroom apartment with six people and have two outfits and work ALL THE TIME. If you knew anything about the things I’ve been told to do by my “team” of physicians, and if you knew anything about the way government funded student loans work, you would not be able to say that. I would LOVE to cut down my actual expenses, really, I would. I WOULD LOVE!!!! not to be bored to tears enough to not want to buy things for myself. I would love it if everyone I know wasn’t jumping up and down demanding every second of my free time, but they are. I am no different than other people, despite my ambitions and my talents. I am not SuperGirl. I am not midas. I cannot take nothing and turn it into something. Sometimes the long, cheap, hard knuckled high road is the only way to do things. Hard work and determination (and something called APPRENTICESHIPS) are seriously outwheighing a diploma right now. That doesn’t make me an underachiever, that just makes me realistic.
The people in my life have no right to expect things of me that they themselves are not capable of. So right now, since most of them have failed to do what I expected of them in one form or another… fuck em. I love them, but I seriously think it’s time for them to be put in their place. So FUCK them. I am ANGRY. I am HURT. And right now, despite how much I love them, for all intents and purposes I fucking HATE what they are doing. EAT ME. ALL OF “YOU”.
To everyone who cares, at least I can say that there are some decent people in the world who respect a person’s desire to just be fucking happy, and to accept that alone. What is the point of living for anything if everything makes you fucking miserable?