Days Gone By

So… I’m not supposed to be here. Not on here anyway. So I have to make this quick. I’m updating tomorrow too because I have some important things to add.

Things are… they are. It’s hard to declare a state of being when I’m not being anything… I just am, just ever changing, not still, not waiting. Not sure.

I lost a lot of weight. I have pictures coming. I found a picture of myself from last year, possibly at the heaviest I’ve ever been and felt motivated. I felt motivated to be hungry, but to let that hunger continue. That day the empty pit inside my stomach PLEASED me. I’m not sure how I feel about that. It wasn’t until the gutwrenching pain in my chest kicked in that I decided to eat. I got a salad.

I realized that I feel guilty when I eat. I mean… EVERY SINGLE TIME I EAT. I feel badly for it. I think self-depricating thoughts, like “My God, I think that woman thinks I’m a pig.” It makes me really uncomfortable when people watch me eat, and even the smallest things. I feel like everyone thinks I eat all day long non-stop.

I don’t want to allow that kind of thinking to corrupt me into starving myself. I spent half my grocery budget on water-based vegetables (spinach, celery, tomatoes… etc) and sugar-free, fat-free jello. The fattiest thing I bought were a bag of lean chicken hot dogs. (I also bought like 4 liters of salsa… how sad).

I’m trying to be healthy and not stupid. I really am. I like that I’m thinner and that it’s getting attention, but I don’t want to starve myself.

In other news, my Dad is looking at having Victoria move in with him. I feel selfish when the idea makes me jealous. But he’s MY Dad. He never comes just to see me. He never comes to help when I need him. I know I’m grown up and I should be generous and be willing to share him with my sister, but I feel like he’s forgotten about me in a lot of ways. I feel like the only reason he comes to see me sometimes is because I’m “on the way” and he’s obligated to because I’ll be mad if he doesn’t.

My Sister didn’t deserve to grow up without a Father. But I know that no matter how old she gets mine will be there for her. It wasn’t fair for me to grow up with a Mother, and I shouldn’t have to give up my Father through adulthood should I?

I don’t want to hurt her, it just makes me feel like the “miracle” I used to be to my Dad was just a first. He’d never had another child, and now he has two. One of us needs to be taken care of more than the other.

I just want him to be there for me because he wants to. I want him to be there for me because I need him to be.

Anyway… nobody cares. Talk to you all tomorrow. It will be tres coolies.

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/05/2006.

3 Responses to “Days Gone By”

  1. what do you mean nobody cares?! I CARE!!!

    take it easy on the not eating thing… we don’t need you having hypoglycemic attacks on us now *luvs*

    • Oh poo.

      I know you care. What I meant mostly was that I make mountains out of molehills sometimes, and that my bitching falls on deaf ears, and it deserves to a lot. I vent here, even if nobody really responds to it. I’m glad that you care. Thank you.

      K

  2. Hon, those dont have all the nutrients your body needs. Buy more than just water-based veggies okay? and no one thinks your a pig… and if the odd one does then fuck em

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