A Night At The Lab

Hey everyone,

This is a rare occasion, when Steve is at the Cap Editing Lab and I have time off work, so I get to come in and spew something that may or may not mean anything. I’ve dealt with a lot lately, and yesterday I kinda exploded. Steve wasn’t home, I wish he had been, and I finally came to terms with some stuff.

Work has been fine. Steve and I are alternating time with the Van to make the situation actually work, so there’s that. That is good. I was invited to my Grandparent’s house for dinner two days ago, since my Aunt Denise and Aunt Pam were in town and I haven’t seen either of them in about 12 years. I love my Aunt Denise. She’s like this incredible big sister, only with the respect and nurturing of a Mother. In some ways she reminds me of me, because of the decisions she made for herself and the things she went through in life. We get along like two peas in a pod. She told me that they found something. She went to the hospital and they found something. She said the tech said it was a mass on her ovaries. What he was supposed to say was cysts, but he didn’t. He said “mass.” Only a doctor is allowed to make that conclusion. So she’s scared. There’s a chance she might have cancer. We’re all praying for the best, but she cried, and I held her and rubbed her back and she fell apart. Nobody has been honest with me like that in a long time. And I forgot how sad pain is.

She told me some things I wish I just didn’t know. My Mom told me six years ago that I used to beat my little sister. She said I broke my sister’s nose, that I stabbed her with a pencil, that I tried to drown her. My Aunt told me that my Step-Dad, Norm, did it. That not only did he molest her when she was 9, and me when I was 6, but her the same year when she was just a year old. She said that he used to lose it and beat both of us up. I remember being hit, and her always being covered in bruises, but I never remember hitting her. Now I know why. After all these years, after having taken responsibility for it, (and she believes it was me), after having come to terms with the guilt and the remorse, after trying so hard to make up for it… it was all a lie.

And my Dad… my Dad was supposed to come here for my birthday, just for me. He called me yesterday and said he wasn’t coming. Why? Because my Mom will be on her period then, so since he won’t get laid there’s no point in coming. He really hurt my feelings, and the only thing he has done this last year is make me feel like I don’t matter. He takes my little sister out all the time, buys her stuff, spends time with her, calls her his daughter (even though she’s not) and the one time he came to see me, he bitched about having to drive to North Vancouver. We used to spend so much time together, and really talk. We used to be close. I feel really hurt and betrayed.

I don’t think I can think about this anymore right now. Anyway… until next time.

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 04/11/2005.

3 Responses to “A Night At The Lab”

  1. Aww sweetie! I’ll phone you soon and if you want we can talk about it. I think its time you phone(collect, he deserves to be charged long distance) your dad and talk it out. Even if you end up screaming at him it might help. *huggles*

  2. I know how you feel in regards to your aunt, my cousin was diagnosed with ovarian cancer a year ago. *hugs* I hope it turns out not to be something else.

    Your father – urgh, how can someone chose sex over their own child? That’s just revolting.

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