My reply to Phil

First off, two things: To anyone reading, this is in regards to his entry this morning. Also, Phil, I expected this. I was waiting for you to grow a pair and say something, even though you don’t deserve to.

You have no right to talk about me with people who are completely uninvolved. You have no right to talk about me with people who don’t know me, and have never met me. I never did that to you. So right there, strike number one. I did say some nasty things. I was angry and you deserved to have someone be nasty to you for once. You got to be a massive asshole for a really long time with zero intervention and it was about time you got yours. I still said I was sorry. I did feel badly. And by the way, Amy is my friend too.

(BTW, I AM WELL AWARE THAT NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THIS, BUT THIS IS MY LJ AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT ON IT, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ IT, SKIP IT. THIS ISN’T A SITCOM).

You did lose me my job. Thank you, I appreciate it. I work for better people now and make a fuck of a lot more money. I’m not underachieving for people like THAT anymore. And by the way, they didn’t want to fire me because of you. I spoke with Roya. It wasn’t anything to do with you so shove your ego up your ass. She told me that she and Gord knew I wasn’t happy working for them, so they asked me to quit. I was never fired. I gave her my two weeks notice. Simple as that. She didn’t want me working there if I was going to be miserable all the time. And by the way, I got you your job. You should have at least thanked me for that. You didn’t even earn it. She didn’t even want to see you until I insisted on it.

Also, we’re not moving. A nice oriental family with a little daughter bought our house, and they have agreed to continue renting our suite to us for the same rent we were paying Tom and Leslie (who told us that they feel you took advantage of us by the way). What you own doesn’t own you. I could sell everything I own in a day. It has just that much value. That’s why I invested in it. It’s called net worth, my friend, and in the grown up world, you’re nothing without it. I moved 14 times when I was a kid. I went to 9 elementary schools. If I want to be tied down for the sake of feeling secure in my life, then so be it. That’s entirely my business isn’t it?

I can be a hypocrite. It’s human nature, and the fate of human err. I have been hypocritical. But I never erased your disk, and the things I said about you were only equalled in the things you’ve said about me. I have them, Phil, I can post them anytime I want. But I never erased your disk. I was actually wondering why you never posted anything. When you use names in your journal entries, don’t you dare try to then say it wasn’t about me. It was because my name was on it, and Steve’s name was on it. Don’t try to lie your way out of it. At that point I didn’t want to presume anything, because I still wanted to be your friend.

But I’m not sure I do anymore.

You had tincture, Phil. Tincture is a surgical numbing agent for small incisions. They use it in hospitals. What do you take me for? I never said you cut yourself to be cool. I said you cut yourself to feel important. A lot of people do. I never said you wanted to be Goth because of a book either. I said you wanted to be goth because you didn’t think that you were good enough the way you were. And you WERE trying too hard. I tried to tell you. I liked you for who you were, before you thought you had to change yourself to please people.

As for my 14 year old cousin, Hailey (you could at least remember her name), I warned you that she had recently been sexually abused, and that she was still very confused about sex, and guys, and then you spent the entire time talking to her about her breasts. That’s wrong, tactless and incredibly stupid of you. I talked to her after you moved out. She thought you wanted to fuck her, Phil, and so did everyone else. They’ve been in this world a lot longer then you, so they know a lot more about flirting than you do, considering you’ve only ever had two girlfriends. Maybe you don’t think it was but not everybody has been inside your head. A lot of the time with girls you come off as some creepy serial rapist. That’s what girls that you’ve spoken to have told me. Why not just give them some breathing room huh? Not everybody has your comfort level with perfect strangers.

And if you give a stripper a hundred bucks and she hugs you, it was the money. Don’t be naive. If another stripper hugs you after that, she wants money. These people only speak one language. I used to live with a stripper, she used to babysit me when I was a kid. I have no illusion about these people, really.

I didn’t get any joy out of hearing about you living on the street. What kind of person do you think I am? I said maybe you deserved it, because you leech off of people, and you never learned how to do anything for yourself. You always had a Mom or a friend or roommates to help you out. You’re alone, that’s scary, get over it. But quit stuffing words into my mouth because I never said those things.

When you sit smack right in the middle of our apartment and eat a jumbo bag of chips, four litres of pop and an entire tub of gummy candies every single day, and ask us to drive you so you can buy more, that’s hard to ignore, my friend. Sure, I own my part of that, I could have ignored you, I could have refused to help you out when you wanted a ride, but hear me out. It’s not illogical. We made you real food, full meals when you first stayed with us. But you wouldn’t eat them (don’t like mushrooms), (don’t like onions), grow up, what are you two years old? I eat stuff I don’t like all the time. Beggars can’t or shouldn’t be choosers. But after dumping $70 in food into the trash because you wouldn’t eat it, I started bringing home pizza, and because I was working late it was just easier to eat crap. You’re right. And down here, healthier food is not cheaper. The pizza I was bringing home was completely free. A bag of chips is $1.07. A bag of rice crackers is $3.79. A 2 litre of coke is 99 cents, a 2 litre of juice is $6. We kept trying to eat better. We would go grocery shopping, and then you wanted to go buy more junk food. After awhile we just gave up. You do have sway in this world, but it doesn’t rotate around you.

You knowingly spent the entire $700 you had in the first week you were here. I thought when I let you come here that that was meant to go towards your place, and food for you to eat when you got there. That’s why we charged you rent. We knew when you bought yourself a monitor that you had no intentions of leaving anytime soon.

In the end, as I said, I wasn’t going to be your friend. I’d been your friend for three months, still waiting for you to keep your promise and find a place to live. “But I’m always working.” Ask for a day off. You’re entitled to one. If they won’t give you a day off to do something as important as find a place to live, then find a new job (it’s not hard I got three) quit and then find an apartment. You weren’t going on your days off. “But I only have one day to do what I want.” Oh poor baby. More excuses. What else? I asked you not to use your dye at the house, or around it. I told you to take it and rinse it out at work. What did you do? You waited until I was at work, went behind my back and told Steve that I said it was okay. You dumped the dye into our landlord’s garden. You killed a bunch of their plants. I asked you not to take showers that are so long. What did you do instead? You took longer, and drained a hundred gallon hot water tank all by yourself so that three tenants have to shower in cold water. I asked you to do your laundry with mine. You didn’t want to, you wanted to do it by yourself. I don’t care! Our landlords were iffy about TWO people staying here, let alone three! They wanted to throw you out before we did! You’re not the one hearing about it so you don’t think it’s true. Well you can feel free to come here knock on their door and ASK, okay? They still live here too.

And I don’t need someone to blame my problems on. You know just as well as anyone the kind of life I’ve had. You think I need to blame anything on you? I’ve been dealing with my problems alone my whole life! I don’t need anything from you. If I needed to blame my problems on anybody it wouldn’t be you. That’s a laugh and a half.

If you want to let this petty piece of history control you then fine. But I’m above it. I’m still angry, I apologized and I am STILL waiting for an apology from you. But if you can’t, then don’t talk about me, I won’t talk about you, and I don’t want to see you again.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 03/16/2005.

4 Responses to “My reply to Phil”

  1. Aww Hun…

    I think I can speak for all of the ladies here that we are all on your side. Phil (although I don’t really know him), sounds kinda like a bit of a hypocritical asshole who SHOULD be living at Jackson’s NEVERLAND RANCH…lol. We love you, we know you’re beautiful inside and out, and we all KNOW the shit Phil put you through…be done with him Babe, he’s out, he’s gone….from your life.

    Love ya hun, and always mentally huggin ya!
    Michelle~

  2. Man, I wish I could write like you. You can form/organize you ideas and arguements quite well.

  3. Slightly off topic..

    Hey, sorry I couldn’t talk to you on msn (just read your messages on there) I would have, it’s just my girl friend just showed up at my house after you left them, and I forgot to set my status.

    Referring to a reply I got in my e-mail:

    You “overheard” several conversations that I’ve had with Steve on the phone about Phil? You must have one good memory because I rarely talk to Steve on the phone…and I’ve barely ever talked to Steve on the phone about Phil. The only thing I’ve ever talked to him about was our time at T-barz (which wasn’t in anyway “making fun” of Phil).

    I’m playing both “teams”? I’m not here to pick sides, that’s also uncool. I’m only playing both teams because I have to.

    You sound as if I totally hate you guys now or something just because I gave Phil a bit of support on his post. I was just happy for him because “the situation is over” and he’s not living there anymore, which is good for both teams, obviously.

    • Re: Slightly off topic..

      I agree that it’s better for everyone.

      You don’t have to play either side, If you want to be his friend, that’s up to you entirely, If you want to be ours, that’s fine to. You don’t have to play mediator like there’s two sides of a war going on…I mean, I appreciate the thought, but it honestly has nil to do with you.

      I’m not angry with you, and neither is Kassi. We totally don’t think you hate us. You probably just feel you’re caught up in the middle of something (trust me, you were in no way a catalyst, Phil’s decisions were his own).

      on a side, We did talk once about you and Phil at T-Barz….you were kind of laughing about him dropping cash and thinking the hug was for real…

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