Barrage

There are some days where the time just seems to lag on. Like today. It’s been so long I feel like three days have passed, all with different climaxes and exciting events to tell.

But I feel like in writing this I haven’t been completely honest to everyone.

Steve and I have been fighting. A lot. I mean, perma-fighting, like the extra stupid strength kind. About anything under the sun. It could be about the colors of chewing gum for all I care, but they’re like that. And it’s only recently that we’ve been doing so. And there’s a good reason for it. Some people may see this as being dysfunctional, and I am. I talk about my life in great detail and none if it can really be seen as “functional” so let’s veto THAT notion. It’s hard to interact with someone positively if there is no open reperitoire going on, where you both can say what’s really and truly on your mind. So while we’re fighting about shit that is all surface, there is meaningful subtext behind it.

I give a middle finger and it means “Stop fucking interrupting me.” Steve blows up as a reply to “Leave me alone, I’m tired.” And there’s the big dramatic walkout, just so we can both cool off a moment and get back to the real issue instead of being caught up in all of this surface.

Phil was only supposed to be here a week. We only anticipated a week, and I feel that we’ve been mightily accommodating in allowing him to stay for two months, instead of seven days. That’s nearly 1000% of the original allotted time, ladies and gentlemen and in a 500 square foot apartment, being crammed in to that small a space with Phil (who’s major goal in life so far is to sit on his computer and wish the world away) and Steve (who’s major goal is to produce some incredibly amazing movie that wins a trillion academy awards — or is just truly appreciated and understood by few– for what it’s worth) while I’ve got (GASP) a yeast infection is like being forced to watch a marathon for the Apprentice. (STUPIDEST FUCKING SHOW EVER…)

Steve and I went for almost two years fight free. So if anyone out there with six months under their belt is getting all judgemental, fuck you and fuck all your pretenses: you are so full of shit. Fighting is a human reaction. It’s called passion. Two people who care very much for one another, especially passionately, are doomed to fight at least a few times, and no offense but there is no fire in a relationship like the “Hey let’s make up” kind. I love being contradicted. I hate it when I can’t speak my mind honestly. I hate having to pretend that what I’m really trying to say is something else completely, and that is the result of a third party in a small space.

We realize that some of it is completely and utterly stupid and meaningless, and are working on not letting it reach fight status, just letting the small stuff slide… because it really isn’t worth it. It’s just a show we put on to wave our angry colour flags and it’s totally unnecessary. We’re trying to make the effort not to allow ourselves to reach a boiling point any longer about things that just don’t matter, not to fight about things that are all surface. I mean, we do have a lot more in common than just Buffy and music. It’s not like we just pretend we’re good together. We are. The most mature people can see it and only the most immature would say different…

Steve and I love each other dearly. We talk about getting married and buying a kitty (HEEEHEEEHEEEEE!!!!!!! ***giggle***) (side note: kitty) (*giggle*) and what our children will be named and all of that gooey wonderfulness. We totally understand each other, even if we aren’t always there for each other. We have different things going on in our lives that are intended to at some point bring this chaotic picture into glorious focus. The journey there might not seem like it makes sense but we know where we’re going, and we trust each other more than anyone else in the world. Otherwise we wouldn’t brave it together. We know one another, and I can say that honestly and completely. There is nobody in the world I trust like I trust him. Four years of friendship and three years (or nearly three) of companionship should be enough to prove that. But I don’t owe you any proof. If you need to be judgemental then get the hell off my LJ.

We realize that the things we fight about are stupid. But hey, they’re OURS to fight about if we so choose. We can do whatever we want without other people putting a label on it and calling it dysfunction. Dysfunction this.

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/19/2004.

13 Responses to “Barrage”

  1. DYSFUNCTIONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

    Fighting in a relationship just brings it to a higher level when you can *gasp* sort it out.
    Im under six months so i dont know what im talking about. o-o
    tell shteeeb i say hi. as to yourself. look in the mirror and immitate my voice. It will make you feel much better.

    • Thank you for that. And just so you know I didn’t mean that if you haven’t been past the six month mark you haven’t got a clue. It just means that perhaps you shouldn’t be judgemental. (And I’m not even talking about you cuz let’s face it, you rock too much to be shitty like that.) *hug*

  2. I agree with you when you sa fighting is normal, the hell it is, because sometimes those small fights are the only thing that will let you truely get to know your partner… if everything were just perfect, it would mean something is wrong… cause there most be a lot of hypocrecy ( is that the correct word ?? …bad english )

    Disfunctional is to fake a relationship is perfect and 100% sweetness

    • Some of that was confusing but I think I understand what you mean, so I’m going to assume it was something like supernice and say THANK YOU!!! And the word you were looking for is “conflict” but I knew what you meant. *hug*

  3. I can’t say for sure because I haven’t seen you guys in a looooong while, but I feel that mine and Stewy’s relationship is going through a similar thing. It’s too the point where I think people must wonder what we’re doing together, and I feel I am being and look like The Bitch most of the time, but it’s still hard to make it stop no matter how much we realize what’s going on. But underneath you do kinda still know there’s something solid…maybe things just cycle, and I’m hoping we’ll come out of the cycle(as will you) cause it’s exhausting and not cool for me to always be annoyed with my partner and sometimes not even like the person I love…good luck, Kassi, but I know you don’t need it.

  4. functional is relative to what one considers it to be

  5. I expect to be a godmother.. of the cat… lol AND the kids! And no, I wouldnt be anything like my mum. gauuuhhhhh hehehe
    Jen

  6. Fighting sucks. And you guys have been together a long, long time, so it’s cool that you’re still together. Good luck with it all. I hope you get everything sorted out, and lose a wee bit of the stress, or shrink the monkey. Um… as in… never mind. *L* Merry Christmas!

    • It totally is stress, and it’s totally stupid, we both know it. Since I posted this we actually haven’t fought once. We’re both learning that we don’t have to act on our anger. 😀
      Thank you for the encouragement. I think of you often too. Merry Christmas!
      On the 23rd we are going for Little Christmas (Denmark Christmas) at Steve’s Aunt’s house, then on the 25th we’re going to my Grandparent’s house for Christmas. 😀 *hug* And you?

      • I’m in Terrace, so… yes. Christmas with the two sets of ‘rents. Hurrah, extra pressies. And my brother David is coming up with his fiancee/girlfriend Laura, so that’s cool.

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