Stuck

Hello Everyone
Sorry I haven’t been updating. Things are happening I haven’t counted on, things that have caused me to doubt everything. There’s something wrong with me. The preliminary diagnosis I got was hypoglyciemia. That is when your blood sugar level tends to drop too low quickly, and makes you ill. If your blood sugar gets too low it can kill you, but that’s… rare. But they gave me blood tests, which are in and I won’t get until Friday. I hope there’s nothing serious, but my doctor has insisted that he needs to see me. So I’m worried about that.

Phil is staying with us for the month now, we were only prepared for him for a week, but as a good friend of ours, we’ve been quite accommodating. But at the same time, the privacy is gone, which is a big thing when you live in an apartment the size of Oprah’s closet. But Phil asked me why I’m even here. Sometimes I wonder. Steve and I fight a lot, which hurts me to the core… even when we’re not fighting. When we are fighting, Steve treats me like I’m the one at fault, even if we started fighting because I was mad at HIM for things. Suddenly this invisible manipulation happens where I’m the one who is wrong. And we fight about the stupidest shit, like where to go for breakfast. *sigh* There are times when I look at him when he’s angry and I don’t feel anything. I go numb. I disappear. Probably because if I let myself feel what’s happening it will hurt too much.

I recently addressed Steve’s punctuality problem. He leaves very early for college, but when I need him to pick me up after work, during the day or at night, there are times when he is 45 minutes late. Last night he was 2 hours late coming home. I’m going to end up walking to work tonight. I just know it. Steve was supposed to be home an hour and a half ago. It hurts my feelings sometimes. He cares so much about what everyone else thinks of him that he just manages to forget. I forgive him. I love him and maybe what he’s doing is more important. I don’t know. He obviously thinks it is.

I’m so exhausted. It’s like everything I used to be is dying inside me. I wake up in the morning exhausted. I go to work to people who do nothing but make me feel like crap all day then I come home exhausted, I go back to work so tired I can barely keep my eyes open and then I wait. And wait. And wait. And then I go home, I go to bed, and the cycle repeats, with interrupting intervals of everyone else spending my heard earned money. What is any of this for? I don’t even know anymore. Where the fuck am I? I feel completely lost and isolated. I feel stuck in this drowning undertow.

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 12/08/2004.

5 Responses to “Stuck”

  1. Hey girl, dont let things get you down, we both know life is shitty sometimes…. i know we sometimes didnt get along too well,but this time i truely felt like cheering you up i guess because i know what is like to end up feeling guilty for something you didnt do…

    I think you should talk calmly with Steve about the way you feel, its not good to n the end be always submissive and let your boy lower you til the point you think things are truely your fault… maybe what you just need is to talk , not argue… just talk and look for solutions…

    You shouldnt be feeling so down… neither lonely…. specialy when you love someone, he should be there for you too, just like you are willing to be there for him, though space and freedom is needed, you should but try to get a bit closer… emotionaly close

    Maybe my opinion is stupid… but well, i dont know… i really didnt like to read you were so down, and i mean it, sincerely, time for me to pay you back all you tried to help me, though you were sometimes a bit too rude… *chuckles*

    Take care and dont give up

    • I appreciate the advice, and I honor it. I apologize for making you think that I dislike you. I don’t. I find it hard to relate to you in some ways because you won’t force yourself into emotional situations that may be uncomfortable for a time, but in the long run would benefit you. My advice giving wasn’t about easing you into anything. You needed to hear the truth, not what you wanted to hear. *hug*

      K

  2. Sorry to hear of the current difficulties…

    If it’s any consolation there was about a month were it was hard to resist breaking down into to tears each day. Everything seemed so fruitless. So much pressure, when I could never measure up.

    Perhaps tough things out and see if they get better? First semester of post secondary is supposed to be the hardest, and some people adjust to it in different ways than others. Perhaps Steve is just a little lost in it all?

    *hug*

  3. I really don’t mean to be a burden on you here… and I do want to move out as soon as I can.
    I knew that if I stayed for more than a week, I would start getting on both of your nerves, and it’s something that I didn’t want.

  4. When i become the next Fuhrer, and i start killing everyone.
    i will spare you and those whom you choose.

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