Retraction

Look… I have only a few things to say. I have a roof over my head, and thank God for that. I cannot explain the favor that was done for me… you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Don’t for a moment think that I am ungrateful.

I expect that when people come here and read what they read here, it stays here. I have bad moods and I get frusterated and upset just like everyone does. I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in days. I’ve been up til God knows when every night trying to finish off things on this computer. Maybe they’re not a priority to other people, but they are to me. It’s something I’ve put more than two month’s hard work into, and I’m still working on it.

I say things that are bitchy and mean all the time. Everyone does. I don’t exactly have people to mouth off to. Nobody is ever interested. Still I mutter on and post when nobody wants to talk back. Nobody leaves me messages unless they’re REALLY bored or just pissed off.

I don’t have an honest negative thought towards Deb or Jen. I don’t. It’s one of those things where you get pissed or stressed or just anything and say a whole bunch of shit you don’t mean. I hate it when people turn and look at me like I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I’m not stupid, okay? I have a clue. I’m quite well educated and I am capable of piecing together some kind of informed advice.

I am a guest here. I don’t dispute that. As I’ve learned there is a mutual understanding between Guest and Host that a guest is humble and clean and does their part, and the host… well… hosts. As it has been explained to me, I do things their way, no other way and can only do things if THEY don’t want to do it first.

It’s aggravating when I’m painting something as a favor to someone else and in the middle of painting someone turns out the light and I can’t see what I’m doing. It’s aggravating when I have to go to work and I can’t have a shower because someone else wants one, or when someone turns off my laundry with my work uniform in it because they want a shower.

I don’t intend to be insulting, and I’m soooo sorry that it came off that way. In fact, I’d be surprised if it didn’t. So here is my retraction. I’m a retard, okay?

It’s also hard, to see someone who needs helping, who wants helping and won’t help themselves or accept help from anyone else. It’s hard to live with someone you never see. The distinction is that for the next two days, this is my home. I’m not visiting. I don’t come from my home, visit here and then go back to my home. I come here, I stay here, I sleep here.

Don’t make me feel like I have no rights. I do. And so do you.
I want your respect and consideration as much as you’ve expected to have mine.

But also, please, I was harsh. I know that. Fuck me for it. I was so wrong to be like that and I am so very sorry. I don’t have an excuse because there isn’t one that would mean anything. Just know that I was saying a whole bunch of shit that wasn’t how I really feel.

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 07/29/2004.

 
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