Transitions and Phases

I find myself slipping back into that headspace now and then. It’s the space that is self-depricating and hurtful and oh so worrysome. It’s that space where all my fears seem far too possible, where I am nothing more than that voice inside me that inspires all of the bad things I could ever become.
I try to drive that person back into the darkness inside me. That black wound never heals. It’s with me. It never goes away. Sometimes it feels deeper and sometimes it feels like a scrape, but all the same I hold it with me wherever I am. It speaks to me in volumes that shake continents and move worlds.

Mostly I’m just me. Honestly I question who that person is regularly. How can anyone claim to know me when I’m not even sure who I am? I think it could be because the intimate details are so ever changing. I’m moldable. I can reshape and rethink and be renovated every moment. My heart is a whore. I feel too many things like they’re physical. I feel emotional pain as intensely as anyone would feel a burn, or a stab wound. I feel happiness as anyone would feel the motions of a carnival ride… the freedom and the fear.

I live very much within myself when I am alone. It’s safer to have so much warm blood and flesh surrounding me; to be just a mind within a body; To be nothing more than a small light within a suit of skin.

I constantly wish I could be so much more… accomplished and intelligent and interesting and talented. I wish I had so much more beneath me as a person. I wish I could be so much more for someone else, to be changing, to be an experience. Sometimes I feel like scenery… just another prop in an otherwise completely normal world. I feel so small. I wish I were prettier and I wish I could physically do more. I wish I were at least some semblance of an ideal but I’m so far away. I feel like that runt of an item that’s in a box somewhere in the top shelf of a closet in someone’s basement. I’m that oddity. I’m that last resort. I’m all alone sometimes.

I’ve had so much time to understand the organism and the mechanics of- EVERYTHING. But I still feel so effected. I still feel like everything I experience, every breath and touch and thought, every word and moment and hurt, fear… every last thing is my first time, and my last.

I could die tomorrow the most experienced virgin to life. I feel like I’ve just woken up from a long sleep and just gone to sleep after a long winding road of adventure. I feel those things all at once. I feel like I’m just opening my eyes and just closing them. This passion is stronger than all the will within me. This conviction and drive… it speaks to me. I sometimes wonder if somewhere there would be someone willing to have me as I am. To just exist and not change or evolve. I sometimes wonder if who I am is okay, or if I’m meant to be more than this.

Off I retreat into that darkness again, without a map or a flashlight, to pack my life into brown labelled boxes. I promise to find my way should I get lost.

See you soon.

4 Days

K

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~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/24/2004.

One Response to “Transitions and Phases”

  1. Days Left

    Sorry you are in the darkness. I hope the light has been shining through for you. Look for the light.

    Only 2 more days now I guess eh?

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