Coming Home

Well I’ve been home for two days now, sorry for staying disconnected for so long.

To Cherry:
I will definitely see you when I move down. We ended up only being in the Vancouver area for a few hours (just passing through) so I was mostly in Abbotsford most of my stay there.

A lot of stuff changed there. I think it was mostly just to do with family. I am still so in love with Vancouver. It’s just the routine I had is gone and it’s sad. My family is all ripped apart again and I’m still mouring for the memories we built.

I missed the people here at home so much while I was gone. The bonds have definitely been broken down in Vancouver, or at least the ones that mattered most to me. Katrina disconnected her phone for the duration of my stay so it was impossible to get ahold of her. We were going to visit but we just plain ran out of time.

I’m packing more boxes. I packed up dishes today. I’m going through my stuff and mostly for the moment trying to empty out the furnature I’m selling so that I can get Steve out here to help me move it into town. I still needt find someone who wants it. I should talk to Emily. Turns out Felecia fucked her over and now Emily has nothing. I might work a deal out with Toron and ask for $150 for the set. I want to plain out give them the shit but I need the money. We’ll see what we can work out anyway. At least she got her apartment back.

Anyway, I’m trying to get back into my routine but I’ve become very aware of my situation. I’ve been torn between two places my whole life. It’s a hard, empty feeling. I still feel so pulled in each direction. Part of me wants to be here and part of me wants to be there. I hate that feeling of complete, constant unrest.

I’m trying to stay away from stressing myself out again.

I’m eating more. Turns out that I wasn’t eating enough and it was fucking around with my metabolism. I was having a salad for dinner and a sandwich or an apple or orange for breakfast and something (it always changed… maybe a small omelette) for lunch.

Anyway, I’m stuck on the alternative version of the Atkins diet, which I’m wary about. I’m eating a lot of protein and very little carbs. I’m supposed to cut way way back on simple sugars like sodas and junk food sugars (I can substitute with aspertame replacements like diet sodas and diabetic sugar) and eat moderate amounts of complex carbs like pastas and potatoes. I get one day a week to eat whatever I want but it’s difficult to figure out my meals. I have to pretty much plan my life around them. Easiest days are night shifts because I just eat the chicken salad at work. It’s the day food I find difficult. I’m supposed to have a small meal of mostly protein every three hours. My largest meal is supposed to be breakfast and my smallest is supposed to be dinner.

ARGH! But I am losing wheight. I’ve been dropping between one and three pounds a week for the last few months, so what I’m doing is working.



~ by Kд§$ị (ИovΔ) on 05/20/2004.

10 Responses to “Coming Home”

  1. The atkins thing is difficult.. my mom’s been on it for the last while… she keeps lecturing me about my eating but I don’t care…

    if you’re making something that requires sugar try using Splenda… it tastes A LOT better and it’s not bad for unlike aspratame… it also measures out the same as sugar…

    • Atkins

      Yeah, I hate being constantly nagged about how I eat. It’s not like I sit there and pig out all day long and it’s not like I don’t eat anything. I’m a moderate eater and you’d think that it would be tolerable. Guess not.

      The upside to the Atkins diet: Shitloads of chicken. Yum.


  2. Crazy World

    Sounds like things are pretty crazy for you right now. My dad was just visiting and that was pretty stressful. I love my dad but his world and comfort zones have become so small and he just doesn’t seem to want to live life. I have to keep reminding myself not to take it personally but those good ol’ triggers from years ago never seem to go away. As long as it is just the two of us, it is good. Get too many other people around and he is difficult. Now I know how people can turn to drinking. God, if I had to be around his misery all day, I would just shoot myself. I don’t know how I did it as a youngster. I ensure my home is my haven and very peaceful. The opposite from my family home. I love being an adult and responsible for my own life and getting rid of unhealthy family influences – no matter how much I love them.

    When are you moving to Vancouver?

    • Enclosing Darkness

      I know how you feel. For me I don’t always know where I belong. I have a life in two places, neither of which ever really meshed until now and now that they’re blending together (and in many ways I wished I hadn’t lived to see) nowhere feels right. There’s one place in the world that feels like home to me and it’s not even a place, it’s a person.

      People always say just not to listen if the words hurt. But when words that should be warm and caring hurt you it doesn’t stop. When a person who should have been there to show you how great the world is shows you nothing but its darkness, it hurts, and nothing changes that.

      I’m moving to Vancouver in July.


      • Re: Enclosing Darkness

        I understand what you are saying. It is said that home is where the heart is so it makes sense if home is a person for you. I always remember that I have to love myself first anyway. Blended families are a definate challenge. My sister has one. I avoided children. Didn’t want to continue to cycle of unhealthy family behaviour. Darkness sucks. That’s why when I was 18 I couldn’t wait to leave home to find brighter shores in strange places where no one knew me and I could start fresh. One thing I did discover though, is that you still bring yourself with you so you have to be prepared to do an internal journey as well.

        I think the move to Vancouver will be a wonderful adventure for you as you are really at the age to embark on this world without the weight of family stuff. I move there in September.

      • Moving

        I want to have children, but I’ve steered clear of family tradition all my life. Everyone flocked around my grandparents and their totalitarian ways. (I’m a Jossist at heart). No matter where my life has taken me, Vancouver has always been my HOME… as far as places are concerned. I’m an army brat. I can survive wherever you plant me. But that city is just with me every day and nothing takes that away.

        Besides, I think that living independently with the riches of my OWN INDIVIDUAL DECISIONS will help me grow so much. I’ve been trapped by the pressures and expectations of my family all my life. Knowing that this is mine alone is such an amazing thing to behold. I feel so free.


      • Re: Moving

        Hate to sound ignorant – but what is a jossist?

      • Heehee

        Sorry. Pop culture reference. It’s extreme comedic sarcasm and/or independence.

        Joss Whedon often writes his TV characters that way.

      • Re: Heehee

        What t.v. characters has Monsieur Whedon written or created shall we say. Just goes to show, every day you learn something new.

      • Re: Heehee

        Firefly (Producer/Director/Writer/Creator)
        Buffy The Vampire Slayer TV and Movie(Producer/Director/Writer/Creator)
        Angel (Co-Producer/Director/Writer/Creator)
        Alien Resurrection (Writer)

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